SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

1DumbHusband posted 10/24/2013 01:36 AM

Sorry I've been MIA. A little update of my last couple of weeks. My BW and I started IC/MC. We went to 4 sessions but are unhappy with the C and his approach. So we are searching again for another one. Lately I've been screwing up and continuing to add insult to injury. I haven't fallen back to old routines, but I have made mistakes in my attempt to help my BW heal.

So a couple of weeks ago, we were sitting in bed and reviewing phone records. We reviewed some of my pre DDay activity and ended up fighting. My BW told me to leave and never return. When I started to pack my work computer, she said she was keeping it. I went to get the iPad and charger. She said I had to leave those too and that I "couldn't have anything" electronic. So I complied and left. I drove about 15 min away and looked for a hotel for the night. Seeing as I didn't have a phone or iPad, I used the business center to check email and tell my bosses I was taking the next day off. I kept watching for an email from my BW asking me to come home but it never came. So I spent the night at a hotel. I didn't reach out to my BW to let her know where I was, I just went to the hotel and was in a dazed and depresses state that evening. I didn't fall asleep til 3am. The next morning, I figured I would run home and grab my work computer and phone after my BW had gone to take the kids to school. I got home and collected my phone but no work computer as my BW had taken it. I grabbed a few things and tried to leave quickly figuring she would be angry upon seeing me back. Well she actually had texted me saying she was sorry and for me to text her when I picked up my stuff. I guess I was still upset about how things went the night before and I did not respond right away. It took 15 min for me to finally respond after my BW had called me twice to check on me. I was still angry at being kicked out that I reacted poorly and did not help my BW at all or ease her fears.

This past weekend, we had a huge argument after our MC session on Friday. My BW was enraged at our C (and we are now searching for a new one). Admittedly he has only provided minimal help to me and has not helped us in MC at all. That's a whole mother story! Well Friday night was a fall festival at a local school, BW had mentioned it earlier but I didn't think she was in any mood to go seeing as she was so enraged. My step daughter had a sleepover at a friends house so I dropped her off. On the way back, I decided to get a peace offering of buffalo wings (our diet these days) for my BW. Well I was gone so long getting the wings that we were late for the festival and therefore my BW no longer wanted to go. On top of that, I got the wrong flavor wings! The next day, I was so tired from the previous nights argument that I failed to communicate a change in my SD's softball game schedule for that day. I responded to the coach's email half asleep in the morning and rolled back over and fell asleep only to wake up and make us rush to get to the game. Needless to say, my BW was pissed at me again.

Finally, yesterday I inadvertently broke NC with a coworker I had previously flirted with. I sent an NC letter, but she said hi to me In a break room while I had food in the microwave and asked how things were in my dept. I said I was swamped and was counting the seconds til my food was done so I could leave. She told me about her work and I promptly got my food and left. The whole exchange took less than 30 sec as that's how much time was on my food. I felt I had to respond to the question because there were people in the break room and the topic of the question was work related. Needless to say, I bolted as soon as I could. So I told my BW this event occurred today rather than keeping it a secret and TTing (as I have done so much in the past). I realize it was wrong of me to respond or even acknowledge the other person because my BW is uncomfortable that I still work with someone I flirted with. I thought i was ok in my response because it was work related and i left the situation as quickly as i could while not promoting further conversation. Well the best response would have been to never respond in the first place. Needless to say its been a tough evening.

Sorry for the rant, but I'm just having a rough couple of weeks. I realize I have issues with how I respond when I get angry/defensive. This is one thing I'm trying to address in IC. I also need to work on my communication with my BW. It's a long road ahead, but one I want and need to travel. Are setbacks like this normal? Have I just hit a streak of fuck ups and hopefully will get out of it. I hate myself for reinjuring my BW. She deserves better and I am trying to be better, but I guess there's a lot more work to be done!

nicjean83 posted 10/24/2013 09:13 AM

hi Husband.. I don't want to call you dumb btw I don't think we should be putting ourselves down here as we have made a big mistake but they do not define us. how we come out of this does.

anywho... it sounds like you a re a bit like me. perhaps having a hard time accepting the pain your BW is going through. My huaband last night had one of these rages. first one actually normally he his just sad. It definitely sounds like you guys need a new C because your old isn't teaching you new communication skills. It is Imerative you learn to do so. Since out D-day only 3 weeks ago we have already started communicating differently try these things in a heated discussion:

I FEEL: say how you feel
1.I feel like your insulting me. are you?
2. That makes me feel defensive can you please rephrase that?
3. I'm geting worried
etc just basically politely spit out however the arguement is making you BOTH FEEL honestly.

I APRRECIATE:
1. I know this isn't your fault
2.I see your Point
3.One thing I admire about you is ( our Betrayeds need confidance bulding this one is SO important)
4.I understand
5. I am thankful for.......
6.This is not your problem its OUR problem

Calmming down
1. Can we take a break things are getting too out of control
2.Can we talk about something else right now
3. Please listen and try to understand.
4. I need things to be calmer right now

These are just a couple out of a huge long list I have of ways to communicate in an arguement better. we are practicing them. They don't always happen but we are TRYING it takes constant diligent effort, so much so it's almost exhausting to change your ways but it can be done! Heads up Husband!!! If you both WANT this to work It will!!! but you BOTH have to practice new habits such as these or it will not work.

oh and on another note. don't fight back when she gets angry at you. let her be angry. she has to! It's part of her healing. Take it like a man so to speak. I had to last night. Then when it's your turn to speak speak gently. ALSO If you aren't doing so out Betrayeds NEED so BADLY to hear we love them, find them attractive, need them. even if its out of your norm create a new norm and SAY IT! "baby I am missing you right now" " honey I am thinking about you right now I wish I could hug you and hold you tight" etc. hope this helps until you find a new MC and get one FAST! <3 BEST WISHES

ps sorry for any bad typos i broke my glasses LOL

AML04 posted 10/24/2013 12:25 PM

1DH-gently I want to say some of your "f ups" seem to be of a more general nature rather than A related, however we BSs can see that as a lack of effort in the M if they are occurring frequently. You are bound to make these types of mistakes. Just make sure your BS knows it wasn't because you don't care about her and her needs. As for the other stuff, maybe try to stop and think of her before you rationalize things to yourself. Did you really have to talk to your coworker or did you just not want it to be awkward? Good for you for telling her right away though! And now you no truly what NC means to your W.
I saw your BS's post about your C and you both definitely need a new one. That was so bad I thought she had to be joking.

Best wishes to you both!!!

[This message edited by AML04 at 1:09 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]