hi Husband.. I don't want to call you dumb btw I don't think we should be putting ourselves down here as we have made a big mistake but they do not define us. how we come out of this does.
anywho... it sounds like you a re a bit like me. perhaps having a hard time accepting the pain your BW is going through. My huaband last night had one of these rages. first one actually normally he his just sad. It definitely sounds like you guys need a new C because your old isn't teaching you new communication skills. It is Imerative you learn to do so. Since out D-day only 3 weeks ago we have already started communicating differently try these things in a heated discussion:
I FEEL: say how you feel
1.I feel like your insulting me. are you?
2. That makes me feel defensive can you please rephrase that?
3. I'm geting worried
etc just basically politely spit out however the arguement is making you BOTH FEEL honestly.
I APRRECIATE:
1. I know this isn't your fault
2.I see your Point
3.One thing I admire about you is ( our Betrayeds need confidance bulding this one is SO important)
4.I understand
5. I am thankful for.......
6.This is not your problem its OUR problem
Calmming down
1. Can we take a break things are getting too out of control
2.Can we talk about something else right now
3. Please listen and try to understand.
4. I need things to be calmer right now
These are just a couple out of a huge long list I have of ways to communicate in an arguement better. we are practicing them. They don't always happen but we are TRYING it takes constant diligent effort, so much so it's almost exhausting to change your ways but it can be done! Heads up Husband!!! If you both WANT this to work It will!!! but you BOTH have to practice new habits such as these or it will not work.
oh and on another note. don't fight back when she gets angry at you. let her be angry. she has to! It's part of her healing. Take it like a man so to speak. I had to last night. Then when it's your turn to speak speak gently. ALSO If you aren't doing so out Betrayeds NEED so BADLY to hear we love them, find them attractive, need them. even if its out of your norm create a new norm and SAY IT! "baby I am missing you right now" " honey I am thinking about you right now I wish I could hug you and hold you tight" etc. hope this helps until you find a new MC and get one FAST! <3 BEST WISHES
ps sorry for any bad typos i broke my glasses LOL