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Contacting OW - views?

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MJane posted 10/24/2013 04:26 AM

Like all of us betrayed I've had lots of day-dreams of revenge that I would never act on but lately I have a feeling that isn't going away that I want OW to KNOW how much pain she caused. On Dday when she dropped the bomb on me in the small hours of the morning on my doorstep she gave me a package filled with 19 months works of love mails (note only his and not her incriminating replies!!) and a delightful lengthy note letting me know how she touched my son, entered my home and basically was after my life "because your H no longer loves you". I am thinking of sending the package back to her at her workplace with a short note - a one liner saying I don't know how she looks at herself in the mirror or just "pathetic". I have a strong desire to invade her space like she did my life and essentially be done with her letting her know she is despised. I expect you'll say she probably won't care if she was such a tramp to sleep with a man who has a heavily pregnant wife in the first place but I guess I'm saying this is about me...does any of that make sense? Would love views either way...I completely blame my H for breaking his vows so don't get me wrong that I think she is "responsible" but it feels so unfair she gets to go on living her life unaffected and my world is so broken

khaleesi posted 10/24/2013 05:03 AM

I did. Not so much to give her a piece of my mind, but to get the facts straight. (WH said they didn't have sex. They did )

I sent her a message over facebook, and tried to keep it chill. I really didn't want to have any contact with her, but my gut said there was more than he was telling me. She was incredibly rude, had no shame, and bragged about having sex with him in both of our vehicles?!?

I have no idea what is going to happen with my marriage, but if I could erase that brief conversation from my memory, I certainly would. I suppose I already knew a woman that would knowingly fool around with a married man, in a car no less, has no class, but she absolutely confirmed it for me.

Nutty1 posted 10/24/2013 05:04 AM


I would rise above it although I must admit I have the same dreams as well! She is trying desparately to get a reaction out of you & upset you.


Personally I would ignore her pathetic attempts to get a rise out of you & maintain your pride, strength & dignity

Nutty xxx

karmahappens posted 10/24/2013 05:12 AM

Do you think a woman that acted the way she did towards you on dday cares the least bit about your pain?

No, she cares about herself.

Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know she gets to you.

Slowly she will fade into the backgroud and be the nothing she already is.

Hold your head high, and your standards higer.

It hurts right now, but in the long run she will be the one hurting while you are the woman healing.


UKgirl posted 10/24/2013 07:36 AM

In my case the desperate and distraught MOW/ex-fiancee/HS flame turned up on my doorstep 10wks after d-day with a large envelope of “stuff” along with books, gifts, etc. In some ways, I wish I had read what was inside, but I ended up with more than enough written crap without her stuff, so I now know I’m better off having dumped everything from her into the bin. One thing that made me laugh was the address on the envelope was fWH’s from when they were at school. The fact that she kept stuff from way back then was an indication of her craziness.

It’s not unusual for the dumped OW to behave in this way. They are trying to prove that the WH is being noble by staying with his family and he is making the wrong decision. She wants to show that what they had was true love and a “relationship”. They are trying to deal with the rejection by focussing on the person they perceive prevented them being together – the BW. And she wants to hurt the BW because she knows that will hurt the WH far more than targeting him directly. She usually tries that first anyway. The pleading, begging, then the anger and then finally hitting out at what the WH truly values.

It’s sad and pathetic. The best thing to do is burn it all. Draw pictures of her on it, scrawl hateful things across it, rip it, shred it, burn it. Use it for toilet paper. Or muddy shoes. And ignore her. Having been the centre of attention (so they thought), the thing they hate most is indifference and being ignored.

dovetool posted 10/24/2013 11:12 AM

I would contact her. Be nice and get all the information out. Act like your not sure what you want to do with your marriage. She'll spill her guts. Then say or do whatever you want. I unfortunately vandalized her car and had the cops called so I wouldn't go that far. Lucky for me charges weren't filed. I'd tell her family and tell people in her life who she is. It's not a lie so she can't do anything about it.

painfulpast posted 10/24/2013 11:18 AM

With respect to Dovetool,

She won't spill her guts - she will lie to get you to think what she wants you to think. This is a woman that had a relationship with a married man. Let's not pretend she has any morals or ethics. She doesn't. She is selfish and has no problem being dishonest or helping others be dishonest.

If she feels bad for you, she will withhold the hardest information. If she wants your H, she will tell you they still talk. If she wants your H to suffer, she will embellish the relationship to make him seem much worse, and much more interested in her than reality would show.

No, you won't get a damned thing from a lying OW except a headache, and of course the fun knowledge that you gave her another ego boost by showing her that you still think about her, and that her intrusion into your life is still on your mind.

OW do not care if the attention is positive or negative. They want attention. Don't give her any.

OW lie. They offer nothing of value.

plainpain posted 10/24/2013 11:30 AM

If anything, I would not react to her with anger or attempts to shame her. It just won't work. Maybe send it all back to her with a little note attached... 'I know it hurts very badly to find out you've been lied to. While I do feel your pain, I don't think I'm really the person to help you with that. If and when I'm done with him, I'm happy to put you on the list with the other women who want to know. Have a great day!' *insert smiley face*

mainlyinpain posted 10/24/2013 11:30 AM

I kind of like the idea of sending it back to her at her work with just the word "pathetic". Maybe "return to sender" somewhere.
Only because I would not want her having the satisfaction of you having her tawdry attempts at hurting you in your possession. I would hate for her to be thinking that you are in continual pain poring over these things.
Or you could send a legally worded note saying that this is harassment and any further communication on her part will be reported as such to the police. This might be classier than the "pathetic" note. I will say that I have gone too far in the past (under the influence of a bottle of wine) and regret any contact I had with think hard before you make your decision.
Hugs to you. Just remember how much better you are than that piece of trash. And take satisfaction in knowing that her sending those things to you means she had anger and hurt herself that she has to deal with. Yes...just send back with the legal are one classy lady, do not resort to name calling or using hurtful words...only she does cuz that who SHE is. Don't let her goad you into sinking to her level.

painfulpast posted 10/24/2013 11:46 AM

What does your husband say about this?

NeverAgain2013 posted 10/24/2013 12:04 PM

I totally get where you're coming from.

She showed up at your door GLOATING, shoving a box of crap in your face and rubbing your nose in the fact that she STAINED every single part of your lie.

I completely get it.

I would assume this loser has no boyfriend/live in/husband to whom you can return the favor? I'll assume not as I didn't see mention of one.

I'd send the box back to her, alright. With everything still in it, just as she gave it to me. Except, I'd make sure to top it off with dogshit and plenty of it.

No note needed.

devasted30 posted 10/24/2013 12:09 PM

Don't do it. I found out months later that an email she sent me after my WS returned to me was all true. I got very drunk and contacted her. She called and then email me (I had her blocked, don't know how it came thru) In a weak moment, I emailed her and asked her to provide me with additional info about my WS she hinted to, but she had the last laugh and wouldn't answer my questions.....just another nasty email. So, I ate humble pie. But, I take solace in the fact that my WS now hates everything about her - is so ashamed of himself and her and everything that he has done. The little respect he did have for her??? is totally gone and we know that she will never be happy because of the kind of woman she is.
Living happy is the best revenge - trite, but true.
My WS and I are getting to a place that we haven't been to in years -and it's great. Not perfect yet, but getting there.

solus sto posted 10/24/2013 13:24 PM

She does not care how much she hurt you. You will not get satisfaction and may be further injured.

Trust me on this.

Ashland13 posted 10/24/2013 13:39 PM

I'm sorry, but I would be very surprised if OW cared.

Ow in the case of the XPervert, for instance, cared only that she "won" and to tell me what a horrible person I was and we had.

What I've known of OW's is that it's a contest for them when they feel feelings for our WH's and often times, there's nothing to be done and the only care is that they "win" the prize.

Maybe there are some OW who are different or realize later what they did but I haven't found this too often.

I don't mean to generalize but to speak from a few other instances I know of locally and the experience that XPervert gave us.

The one interaction I ever had, she initiated and only ended in pain for me, FWIW.

fourever posted 10/24/2013 13:45 PM

I didn't go back to catch up, but what is your WH doing?

This douche of a woman already put a knife in your back. Don't go near her.
Sounds like a bunny boiler. Of course, depending on your situation, and if your WH is not stepping up, her work, family, husband if she's got one, grown kids, garbage man, should all be made aware. It's only fair.
Just don't go near her!!

LMomof2 posted 10/24/2013 15:04 PM

I did....ONS was very apologetic, gave me information, didn't know he was married..etc. This after I heard the voice mail of her lambasting my WS about lying to her that he was single. Then days later, she leaves a message lambasting me with psychotic rants...You have to watch for rabbit boilers (Fatal Attraction) kinds of nutjobs. Most probably I will contact the police because of this phone call and the others to my WS before. She threatened him and his family with bodily harm. I can't take any chances with our safety.

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 3:06 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

jstbreathe posted 10/24/2013 19:04 PM

Why do you want to give her that kind of power? She will only be too happy to know that you still hurt and think about her. That was her intention to start with, don't give her the satisfaction!
Burn the box, and let it go. Believe me I know how you feel and I understand you want revenge, but you wont get it. You will be the one hurting, again, and she'll have the last laugh.

AML04 posted 10/24/2013 20:17 PM

I texted the OW about 2 mos after dday. I told myself I had to do it to make myself feel better. I wasn't rude, I just told her what I thought of what her and WH did. It absolutely made me feel better, for a minute. Her response back was ridiculous. She basically threatened me. I almost responded just so she would know I am in no way afraid of her but it's not worth it. She doesn't think she did anything wrong so why bother.

MJane posted 10/25/2013 04:58 AM

I had a good long think about it last night - thanks so much to everyone - i actually feel I'd love to do it but think that there is a real possibility this woman is unstable (I mean who turns up on your doorstep at 1am to tell you such news and offers to go for a coffee to sit down and chat the next day???) so it could back-fire on me. She has no H or BF to give her some of her own medicine - she just hung around ready for the next booty call in the shabby flat he rented for their get-togethers. I have a good job I love where people respect me and I have no doubt she is capable of turning up here and bringing my dirty laundry to the one safe place & escape to so I think that being a real possibility alone means I'll just fantasize. If I ever come across her in this small town I will say "pathetic" to her face but I think I won't seek her out to do that. I am so proud that I was classy that Dday and didn't shout or show her any response other than to tell her to be done with giving me the package and leave my front door....I am a very emotional person and I am very capable of losing it but then I probably was so shell-shocked that I came over as regally detached (so unlike me - ha!) That night showed her up for the low-life desperate trashy person she is. I have told my H in no uncertain terms that is what she is so what does that make him for escaping to her? Today I am reeling from TT - after promising me that while she was in my home they had never had sex in it he told me they had sex in our front room. My house was the one place I felt safe and now I don't want to go anywhere near it...I am thinking it is over today as I see no reason to continue trying with someone who is a complete stranger to the truth. I am worth more than this - let him have his piece of trash.

devasted30 posted 10/25/2013 11:07 AM

MJane - I am so sorry about the TT'ing but going from my experience and many, many others on SI, this is only the beginning.
They have so many reasons why they can't be honest with us.
Don't want to continue to hurt us, can't stand the look in our eyes, hate what they are doing to us etc., etc., etc.
I begged and pleaded with my WS to please give it all to me - no matter what. I think (not sure, but hope) that I finally know it all but he has sworn so many times that I know everything and then I'd find out, I didn't.
I know the pain and devastation this causes. Be prepared to hear more. They just don't have the "Guts" to tell it to us all at once. It takes a special kind to be able to do that and unfortunately, they are just not that special.
I am still in R and told my WS again today (for the 100th time, I'm sure) that if anything else comes out, I'm done. Don't know if he believes me - but I AM and I know it.
Give yourself time - I did and you will bounce back...but, it is so very hard. If only they'd tell us the truth. For me, the lies are way worse than the affairs.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:07 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

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