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I'm combative, how do i change that?

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idkam posted 10/24/2013 06:55 AM

Last night when i came from the gym my SO says, " i thought i was going to have to call the FBI" i responded "stop clocking me SO" then he says you always get so combative in a disgusted voice... Then i said im joking just like you are except now you are pouting..then he says im watching TV..we didnt talk much for the rest of the evening...

Background

During the wk if i do a class at the gym it usually starts @6 ends at 7 then i go to the sauna for 20 min...im usually home abt 7:30..on the weekends usually home by 10:30 or so... He works out abt 3 hrs Sat & Sun..

When he says things like "i thought was gonna have call 911 or the FBI" it puts me on the defense, i feel like i he wants me to explain why im late without really asking, does that make sense.... Late to me is 7:45-8, not 7:35 which i was actually at home by 7:30....why does he make comments like that?? It makes me feel like he's trying to be controlling... Grrr!!!

How would you handle this? How should i have responded? Should i talk to him abt it and ask him how would he have liked for me to respond to his comment??

\ / help!

summerain posted 10/24/2013 07:02 AM

my two cents is to discuss it when you aren't cranky.

I think maybe he is doing it in a way to say he misses you? Do you send him a text saying you're coming home and miss him?

Could be a possibility?

MovingUpward posted 10/24/2013 07:07 AM

it puts me on the defense,

I don't think that you'll be able to have any acceptable response for the issue is that his comments put you on the defensive. Then that defensiveness shows through.

I think it would be best to search for why you get defensive when you have to explain why you are late and let that answer guide you to how to go from here. Once you know why it may be as easy as disassociating your SO with a past person who used to say these things as ways to pry and control. It may be that you need your SO to be more direct in his feelings like instead of saying "I thought I was gonna have to call 911" that it would be better received if he said "I'm glad you're here. I missed you". On top of that try to be very clear as to when you will be home and try to hold firm to that time then he has no reason to make that silly comment.

idkam posted 10/24/2013 07:30 AM

Thanks MU and Lauren...
The thing is i wasnt late so i didnt understand why he made the comment... He knew i was working out bc when i left that morning he carried my gym bag outside for me.... I may mention the night before im taking the spin classe tomorrow.....

My defense stems from me feeling like hes acting like a protective daddy (hes 11 yrs older) he's also a retired Marine and i believe he doesnt really like change.... Two wks ago my wkout days were Tue-Thurs-Sat&Sun...Now they are Mon-Wed-Sat&Sun...

IDK...

For the record we very seldom have disagreements but i believe me being combative really affects him...

Newlease posted 10/24/2013 08:15 AM

If you recognize you're being combative, you can change it.

Instead of the first thing that pops into your head when he says something like that, stop and think. Maybe something along the lines of "Oh, what time is it? I didn't realize I was late."

That opens the dialog to understand where he is coming from. Maybe he was joking, maybe he was concerned. But you can't know which it is if you don't open the dialog.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

idkam posted 10/24/2013 10:52 AM

Thanks NL..

This is not the first time he's made that comment. My response is the same each time...

Sad in AZ posted 10/24/2013 11:40 AM

OK; I see this differently. Not so much that you are combative, but you are reacting to his irrational behavior--because if you're less than a half hour late coming home from the gym--or anyplace--WTF is he questioning you at all? It would piss me off too.

However, a pissed off response is not necessarily the way to go. If you can take a breath and then respond by asking why was he worried (or whatever the situation requires) it would work better to open up a dialog.

Better yet, as Lauren said, talk to him about this when you are both calm. He should not be confronting you like this; you're not his prisoner.

idkam posted 10/24/2013 14:22 PM

SAD u hit the nail on the head..

Update
SO texted me to see how my morning was going and i told him" i was thinking abt our spat last night then looked at my phone and saw his text"... He said what spat? i forgot all about that.. I told him i had not forgotten about it and i think we should chat abt it bc it made me uncomfortable... He said he was joking but he wont joke like that again.... he said he made dinner for 7
but i got home later than usual thats why he made that comment... I said really? I didnt realize what time it was, i asked him wht time was it exactly and he said 7:45pm... I dont believe that bc i did the same workout i usually do and left the gym at my reg time....

But i digress

I told him when he makes comments like that it makes me feel like he doesnt trust me.. He said of course i trust you we are bldg a house together....so he said i wont joke abt the time anymore and i said that i will remind him abt the wkout im doing and the approx time i will be home...i told him when i do not do any of the classes im home by 7:15 when i do the classes they start at 6 ends at 7 then i go to the sauna tor 20 mins.. Then im out, i live 7 mins from the gym...
End of convo....

Newlease posted 10/24/2013 15:47 PM

Yea - issue resolved!

NL

Kalleigh posted 10/24/2013 16:14 PM

if he would have said that to me I would have said GOOD go a head.

idkam posted 10/24/2013 16:23 PM

Thanks my friends...

Side note***

Of course he forgot abt the spat last night, he's horny as hell...we havent had sex since Sat morng and i know hes "ripe for the picking" mem forget everything when are horny..

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