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MC said I can ask three questions, what would you ask? BS/WS

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lostcovenants posted 10/24/2013 07:06 AM

Our MC got my WS to agree to answer 3 written questions. What should I ask? Please give specifics and if you asked that how did it work out? I'd also like to hear from WSs - what would be the most important or helpful. What should be avoided? Ty

jstbreathe posted 10/24/2013 08:05 AM

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to? Just a thought.

WhatsRight posted 10/24/2013 08:09 AM

I know you are wanting examples of specific questions to get specific information. But different people have different ideas on what is important to know.

My advice to you is to write a list of all the questions you would like to ask. Then go about reducing that by 1/2. Then reduce it by 1/2 again. (For example, is it more important to know how many women there were - or what type of sex they had? I think different people might answer these questions differently.)

At some point, you will be left with the 3 MOST important questions you want to ask. I would choose carefully - as if these were the only 3 you were ever going to get to ask.

My guess is that if your WH sees that answering these questions were a help to you - and it was a positive interaction, that you might be able to get more answered later.

Good luck with this!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:10 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

WhatsRight posted 10/24/2013 08:11 AM

Having said that...

I want to say that jstbreathe has an excellent question!

Dreamboat posted 10/24/2013 08:13 AM

1) why did you think it was ok to betray and disrespect me and the family by having an A and what to you plan to do to change that type thinking?

2) what are you willing to do to restore my faith in you so that I may trust you again?

3) why should I not kill you right here and right now (kidding...sorta )

annb posted 10/24/2013 08:14 AM

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to?

^^What jstbreathe said.

I understand my response is not answering your question, BUT you are entitled to ask anything you want, and if your WH truly wants to R, he will answer every single one of them. Your MC should be pressing this issue!

The ball needs to be in your court. All questions you have are important! You cannot rebuild a marriage on a bed of lies or in a garden of secrecy.

((((lostcovenants))))

Aubrie posted 10/24/2013 08:15 AM

FWW here.

Seriously only 3 questions? Wow. What in the world is the "logic" behind that?

So not only do we cheat, lie, destroy the marriage, break our spouses heart, but to add insult to injury, you only get 3 puny questions. Sounds like rugsweeping in the making.

Personally, I'd fire your MC. And would seriously wonder if your husband is still in the A.

I'm 2 years out. QS still asks me questions. I can't tell you how many he's asked me. And I've answered each one. Cause he has the right to know. If I want to stay married, if I want to heal this relationship, its in our best interest, embarrassing or otherwise, to talk about it. I shouldn't have put myself in this situation to begin with. I sure as heck ain't gonna fight my husband on any questions he has. Whether there are 3 or 3,000.

MrsDoubtfire posted 10/24/2013 08:15 AM

I guess my first question would have to be why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to? Just a thought.

This ^^^^ was exactly what my first thought was too.

My MC said we would stick with the why's and the where's and the wherefore's until I decided I was done... FWH agreed this had to be the case and did just that for over a year of our MC sessions.

3 questions? That's like the genie saying you can have only one wish when we ALL know the answer to that would be: "Ok, so I want unlimited wishes!"

rachelc posted 10/24/2013 08:16 AM

I understand my response is not answering your question, BUT you are entitled to ask anything you want, and if your WH truly wants to R, he will answer every single one of them. Your MC should be pressing this issue!

no kidding. WTH on the MC?

lostcovenants posted 10/24/2013 08:26 AM

Okay - I should have explained a little further. I think this is the mc way to get this started. My ws has answered some questions but after a few he withdrawls. The mc is trying to remove the emotion from this by distancing by writing the questions and specifically asked if my ws would answer 3 or 4 questions this way. I think this is just a starting point. But I do agree w all of you - he should answer every question I have!! But where to start... Thanks friends it's great to be so cared about...

tushnurse posted 10/24/2013 08:29 AM

Wow - That is a bizzare thing for an MC to do.
I guess if your H is feeling unsafe that you are going to bolt no matter what he does this will help him feel safer, and hopefully will allow you to open the door, and ask more questions.

The real important questions are going to be for you to decide, the things that made a difference to me, that I had to know were....

1. Why her, what did she give you that made it ok for you to take that step, and do what you did to us, to me, for months and months and month?

2. Are you commited to making this right, and if so how are you planning on rebuilding our M, and my trust?

3. Have you even begun to consider the level of pain, and betrayal you have caused/comitted, what can I do to help you understand how you have broken me?

atsenaotie posted 10/24/2013 08:33 AM

There would only be one question for me...

1. Why should I remain married to a person who is not willing/able to be open and honest with me?

ETA: I understand that this is a "get the ball rolling" exercise. Still, I suggest that IC for your WH is called for as opposed to MC until your WH can answer all of your questions without limitation.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:35 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

sad12008 posted 10/24/2013 09:09 AM

lostcovenants, I know you're looking for concrete questions...and I'll attempt to lay out some, but I have to chime in with everyone else, starting with jstbreathe, about this situation where your WS is agreeing to answer 3 questions.

You're trying to reconstruct this hidden life your WH created for himself over a period of...what?...years?...and you get three questions.

You know, there's a reason why the game "20 Questions" isn't "3 Questions", and that simple game is generally just trying to identify a single OBJECT.

My DDays were in '08, and if I had a question right now my fWH would answer it or try to remember whatever so he could. It's about helping you heal and doing what it takes to make that happen.

So, FWIW,

1. What is the full, expanded timeline of your infidelities, including who, what, where, when, and why? When on the calendar and clock; where on the map, in the building, on the furniture, on his body and the AP's body; what were you thinking, doing, saying, feeling, and hearing, and having done to you; who were you with and who else saw you or knew you were cheating; and why did you think you were entitled to break your vows not only to me but before God? (I add the "God" part because I saw LDS post.)

2. What is your detailed action plan for change to ensure you never venture down this devastating path ever again?

3. Other than vows and the marriage license (which you've ignored and therefore negated by your choices), what are top reasons why you want to reconcile this relationship and the top reasons why you think I should try to work together with you to reconcile this relationship?


I had a scorched-earth mentality, lostc; I was a great, loving, fun, understanding...blahblahblah...wife. I was never a "no, you can't go do something with friends" person. All it got me was a utterly decimated heart and sense of trust not only in the relationship and my spouse but in a far expanded sphere. So I really was at a point of, "f*ck it!". If it makes you uncomfortable, suck it up, buttercup...I'm not the one who brought us to this point. Where I'd previously done more to smooth the waters, I didn't.

Find your anger. YOU are the one who was wronged here, and HE is the one who needs to help you heal. If he is unwilling or unable to do that, you can't make him, any more than you can make the clock spin backwards and erase what he did. You are worthy of a spouse who treats you with respect.

p.s. - edited to add that I just saw your addendum...this was written while you were posting that (I'm sllllow!).

[This message edited by sad12008 at 9:11 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

sosorry5454rl posted 10/24/2013 09:46 AM

I second what Aubrie said!!

summerain posted 10/24/2013 09:59 AM

I actually disagree, based on an assumption

If your wh withdraws and there are three questions at a time, be he really thinks about them and answer honestly. That's better than 3000 half assed answers.

1. What did you say to yourself to justify what you were doing?

2. What are you going to achieve to ensure this does not happen again?

3. How come you did not end our relationship?

Good luck,

I know specifics are tempting but for me these type of questions provided me with much more information, heartbreak and hope for the future

cluless posted 10/24/2013 10:07 AM

You know what irritates me? It's when WS or other people get "tired" of the questions. These questions are part of the recovery process. I can see limiting questions on a poly-graph but NOT with your WS.

You will stop asking questions, when you feel satisfied with the answers your are getting. So I'm curious, WHY would the MC limit you to 3 questions? MC in a rush or something?

Okay now that I've read, when a BS is reluctant to talk, at least in the case of mine it was due to 1) didn't want to hurt my feelings; 2) Embarrassment; and 3) his greatest fear was to lose me. With that said, THAT is not your problem! First things first, if your WS wants to save the marriage, then READ! There is so many helpful comments in the healing library and under each category for the BS & WS. I kept sending one a day to my WH UNTIL he saw that FULL transparency is the ONLY way for ME to begin healing. If you get TT, then it starts over, each and every time you get more info. It's NOT fair to you, and since the WS is the one that committed the crime, they must do the time!

All the questions asked above was asked the FIRST time I talked to him about it. And I've asked each one again and again. It's a process, sometimes the WS doesn't even know the answer to some of these questions. But to answer your most dire question... it was because WS THOUGHT they could get away with it.....

[This message edited by cluless at 10:25 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

sisoon posted 10/24/2013 13:25 PM

I was hoping your MC was just starting with 3 questions. It may just work.

I like this from Dreamboat;

2) what are you willing to do to restore my faith in you so that I may trust you again?

You could reword it to something like

What specifically are you willing to do to R?

That could open up a good conversation and even give you opportunities to negotiate what he'll do. For one example, if he doesn't mention NC, you can ask him to include it.

I think you should also ask something like,

How will we know if you're doing the things you say you'll do?

If he commits to doing things you can't measure and observe, you'll have no way of knowing if he's meeting his commitments. If you can measure his progress, you'll always know where you are on the path to R.

The important thing is for you to get the answers to your Questions. Since he has the answers, IMO he's got a right to help shape the way the questions are asked and answered. If he won't answer, though, he's not a great candidate for R.

GabyBaby posted 10/24/2013 13:28 PM

why he thinks he should only have to answer 3 questions. Why are you not entitled to the whole truth and to ask as many questions as you need, for as long as you feel you need to?

I agree with this wholeheartedly!
YOU are the betrayed spouse, yet your WS and "MC" are dictating terms to you?
That seems backwards to me.

Ashland13 posted 10/24/2013 13:32 PM

I had an IC who said to ask one at a time, one in a day, or one in a fairly long period because everyone involved has to digest it.

I noticed when we did "talk", and if I asked many questions, he would get glassy eyed or defensive and tend to not reply. And, the lies came out more, but the trouble is sometimes when NC is broken, a flood of questions come out that a BS cannot help. That's my two cents.

So, my three would be...

1.) When you decided to not be with me anymore and then not be married anymore, why could you not have told me, instead of everyone else?

2.) Why could you not end our marriage with dignity when you were unhappy and before you solicited other women, so that the rest of our lives could be lived in dignity and our children without this over our heads forever?

3.) On the first day you met me 20 years ago, when we were kids, why did we not get the same thing, so that when you decided that you would live our life lying to me, I was deciding to live our life giving you the gift of truth?

ETA, this wreaks of compartmentalization!!!

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 1:33 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

notquiteoverit posted 10/24/2013 13:35 PM

For me, only being allowed 3 questions would be a deal breaker. It should be the whole truth, and ask many questions as you need to ask for as long as you need to ask them. It sounds like your WS is trying to call the shots. Please don't allow him to disrespect you like that. He should be working hard to help you heal, and doing what YOU need.

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