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PriorityNo1 posted 10/24/2013 08:21 AM

I might be posting in the wrong board, but this seemed like the place to start.

As the title says, it's 6 months later and I'm not doing too well so I'm trying to figure out what next steps might be. Or something.

Here's the story:
My wife told me about 1 year ago that she was moving out. I was only surprised at the timing since we have kids and she had told me before that she was only with me because of them. I knew our relationship had been in deep trouble for several years. She ended up moving out a bit after the new year (so 9 months ago as of October 2013).

Once she moved out, our relationship improved dramatically. We were talking again, even having sex again. Things were going pretty well, actually. In April, I asked her to move back in. It was then that she told me she had "fallen in love with someone else." I asked her if it was physical and she said yes.

I was shocked. Devastated. I'm sure I don't need to fully explain how I felt. I found out the details I felt I needed to know. I got tested. I cried. After a few days of thinking, I asked her to move back in still. I figured that I still loved her and that if a family member hurts you, you don't just throw them aside. I knew it would be hard; I was angry, hurt, trying not to think of the two of them together intimately, and also doing my best to make her happy.

To complicate matters, I finally came to grips with the fact that I've been depressed for several years. I started taking medication and seeing a counselor. I feel much better now, but I have a lot of personal issues to work out.

But now that I'm feeling better, or maybe it's just because I have some distance from the initial shock, I'm really struggling to remind myself why I should stay in this situation. We have been talking quite a bit and it's not optimistic talk. I moved into the guest bedroom.

I don't feel like she has ever really taken responsibility. She pretty clearly blames me for pushing her into another man's arms - saying that if I hadn't been so emotionless and cold then she wouldn't have had an affair. Now, I'm not quite sure she realizes that's what she's saying, but that's my interpretation. I realize I could be wrong, but I really don't think I am. I was emotionless and cold. I was severely depressed. We were having relationship issues. I took a huge chance on a new career that dramatically failed, to some lasting consequences. The kids were not doing well in school. There were a lot of issues and we weren't communication. I only felt disappointment from her and didn't feel like she wanted to hear my complaints. I just had to fix things.

I might be going a little long.

So now she just wants to be happy. She doesn't quite blame me for struggling. She knows I'm hurt and realizes she caused it. I know she feels bad that I'm so hurt. She wonders if I'm just choosing to be hurt as payback instead of just being happy. I've tried just being happy and just got more angry.

I don't regret having her move back in. I think I needed the support at that time. But now I'm not sure this is where I should be. I'm wondering if she's just a fundamentally selfish person and whether I want to be around that for the rest of my life.

I'll stop there. I don't know what information might be helpful in providing but I'm provide as much as I can.

Here's a few more details:
- The other man is her boss. She still works there. She's looking for another job but hasn't been successful and we can't afford to have her quit.
- She was seeing a counselor but stopped as her counselor has medical issues.
- The affair lasted 3 years or so - off and on, she says.

Thanks.

happyman64 posted 10/24/2013 08:55 AM

Wow Priority

I cannot believe how nice you are to your wife but I thought your post was well written.

You love her. SHe does not love you.

Did you cause her to lie, cheat, jump into another mans bed???

Hell no.

The long term affair she owns all on her own. That is a conscious decision she made all by herself.

Do you have issues? Yes. You recognize the depression and you are working on it. Good for you.

Did your depression hurt the marriage? Sure it did. So you own your fair share of the issues in the marriage.

But the problems in the marriage do not make people cheat. SHe had better options.

Counseling for you both of you. A divorce if the marriage could not be fixed.

But no. She chose to cheat. She let herslef fall in love with her boss.

That not only hurts you but your kids and the entire family.

And that is pure selfishness on her part.

So you two are together. What do you want?

Can she go No COntact with the OM?

Are both of you willing to fix the marriage and establish healthy boundaries in your relationship?

It takes two healthy, loving confident people to do this.

So tell us what you want?

How old are you two? Your kids? How long have you been together?

Have you spoken to an attorney just to know your rights?

Keep posting.

HM

Raven96 posted 10/24/2013 09:29 AM

You turn INTO a marriage when there is trouble...not outside. This is NOT on you. The only thing you should be taking responsibility for is 50% of the state of the marriage prior to the A. The rest is on her!!!!!

She doesn't sound remorseful, and saying that you drove her to an affair says that she's not even taking responsibility for her actions.

I would consult a lawyer (quietly) and find out what your options are. I'm not going to lie...you're the father and the laws are still very much in favor of custody of the children going to the mother. That is something you need to find out about, too. Maybe your WW doesn't even want custody, since she left once (although it isn't clear if she left with or without the kids).

Others will be along to give you better advice. I just wanted you to know that we are here for you!!!!

(((PriorityNo1)))

PriorityNo1 posted 10/24/2013 09:49 AM

I haven't spoken to an attorney. When she moved out, the kids stayed with me.

I definitely don't want to get screwed over, but I don't want to have a nasty custody battle or anything like that. I know she doesn't either. I am probably being naïve, but it's hard to believe she would want to ruin me or keep me from my kids. She would definitely want at least 50% custody. But I think we're both willing to have the kids' best interests come first if it comes down to separation or divorce. I have researched divorce law in my state and it seems to be extremely difficult to prove adultery. I don't have any hard evidence besides what she told me. She did a good job covering everything.

What do I want? That's a tough question.

Is she the person that I want to spend my life with? Well, I certainly thought so. But I must admit that I'm rethinking that as I come to grips with how selfish this was. I'm worried that if things ever go south in the relationship again, she would just split or something. She says she would never cheat again, but I never thought I'd ever have to worry about that in the first place.

We've been together for over 16 years. The kids are 15 and 12.

She couldn't go no contact with the OM at this point.

I must admit, I'm not at a point where I can completely put this all on her. I was a mess back when the affair started. She maybe talked to me about what was going on but I don't really remember. I don't think she suggested counseling. Another thing, she has said that she knew something was wrong with me but interpreted that to mean that I was done with the relationship. When I asked her why she didn't just leave, she said that it came down to: 1) kids 2) money 3) worried about my reaction because she knew I wasn't in a good place. She was also dealing with a major loss in her life (mother) and thinking that life was short and she better enjoy life and be happy. So I get that all this was not me, but it's hard to actually believe it. Further, if it wasn't my fault then that means it is her fault (or whatever you want to call it) and that means she is not the person I thought she was.

toomanyregrets posted 10/24/2013 15:25 PM

You need to talk to a lawyer, ASAP.
You don't need to file, just find out what your options are.