I might be posting in the wrong board, but this seemed like the place to start.
As the title says, it's 6 months later and I'm not doing too well so I'm trying to figure out what next steps might be. Or something.
Here's the story:
My wife told me about 1 year ago that she was moving out. I was only surprised at the timing since we have kids and she had told me before that she was only with me because of them. I knew our relationship had been in deep trouble for several years. She ended up moving out a bit after the new year (so 9 months ago as of October 2013).
Once she moved out, our relationship improved dramatically. We were talking again, even having sex again. Things were going pretty well, actually. In April, I asked her to move back in. It was then that she told me she had "fallen in love with someone else." I asked her if it was physical and she said yes.
I was shocked. Devastated. I'm sure I don't need to fully explain how I felt. I found out the details I felt I needed to know. I got tested. I cried. After a few days of thinking, I asked her to move back in still. I figured that I still loved her and that if a family member hurts you, you don't just throw them aside. I knew it would be hard; I was angry, hurt, trying not to think of the two of them together intimately, and also doing my best to make her happy.
To complicate matters, I finally came to grips with the fact that I've been depressed for several years. I started taking medication and seeing a counselor. I feel much better now, but I have a lot of personal issues to work out.
But now that I'm feeling better, or maybe it's just because I have some distance from the initial shock, I'm really struggling to remind myself why I should stay in this situation. We have been talking quite a bit and it's not optimistic talk. I moved into the guest bedroom.
I don't feel like she has ever really taken responsibility. She pretty clearly blames me for pushing her into another man's arms - saying that if I hadn't been so emotionless and cold then she wouldn't have had an affair. Now, I'm not quite sure she realizes that's what she's saying, but that's my interpretation. I realize I could be wrong, but I really don't think I am. I was emotionless and cold. I was severely depressed. We were having relationship issues. I took a huge chance on a new career that dramatically failed, to some lasting consequences. The kids were not doing well in school. There were a lot of issues and we weren't communication. I only felt disappointment from her and didn't feel like she wanted to hear my complaints. I just had to fix things.
I might be going a little long.
So now she just wants to be happy. She doesn't quite blame me for struggling. She knows I'm hurt and realizes she caused it. I know she feels bad that I'm so hurt. She wonders if I'm just choosing to be hurt as payback instead of just being happy. I've tried just being happy and just got more angry.
I don't regret having her move back in. I think I needed the support at that time. But now I'm not sure this is where I should be. I'm wondering if she's just a fundamentally selfish person and whether I want to be around that for the rest of my life.
I'll stop there. I don't know what information might be helpful in providing but I'm provide as much as I can.
Here's a few more details:
- The other man is her boss. She still works there. She's looking for another job but hasn't been successful and we can't afford to have her quit.
- She was seeing a counselor but stopped as her counselor has medical issues.
- The affair lasted 3 years or so - off and on, she says.