Since D-Day, I've gone through all sorts of moods. But I didn't feel anger for very long, but rather deep depression, crying fits, panic that our life together was over, etc.
Now that the WS says he wants to move out (and keeps trying to fool himself into thinking it's to 'help me think' when in reality it's because he doesn't want to deal with my pain and his guilt), I just feel anger. The whole, "I wish you would stay" has become an impatience for him to leave so that I can start processing all these feelings.
Last night, I wanted to go for a walk to clear my head. He insisted on going with me. He took my hand and wrapped my other arm around his waist as we walked and said, "It's nice to be with my friend." I didn't reply. So he said, "You are my friend, aren't you?"
I just felt like punching him. And for the rest of the walk, I told him I was angry and what was he going to do about it? And what if I had cervical cancer from the HPV he gave me? What would he do?
He got angry and said, "THIS is why I'm leaving!" (that is, having to listen to me express my anger -- which, BTW, I've BARELY done at all since D-Day).
Later on in the evening he apologized and said he'd stay with me if I were sick, but all I could think was, "I can't wait for you to leave, you filthy lying bastard."
I also have a very real urge to contact his last ONS. He's been with more than 20 whores (not prostitutes, just slutty women) but I don't know who any of them are except for two. One I'd never want to see again as long as I live because she was invited to my home and ate a meal under my roof, but the other was seen with my WS by friends, so they could tell me who she was and how to find her.
WS told me that after she had a pregnancy test last week and it was negative, she cried and begged him to stay with her. WTH?????????? When she was supposedly a ONS and KNEW he was married???????