Let’s pretend your affair wasn’t an affair, but actually a diagnosis of a life threatening disease that I caught from you? You were the carrier of this disease. A disease with a low survival rate, and for those that do, healing time is 2-5 years. The only chance of recovering is if you, as my caretaker, give me my medicine every day, every.single.day. Every day that I don’t receive my medicine my already low chance of survival goes down even more. Would you give me my medicine every day? What if I was so upset by this diagnosis that I sobbed night after night, would you still give it to me? What if I was so sick from this disease that I vomited night after night, what if I screamed that I couldn’t take it another minute, what if I told you I’d rather die instead of bear the pain of the disease? Would you still give me the medicine? What if I got mad at you for giving me the disease, what if I blamed you for giving it to me, what if I was so angry that I couldn’t even see straight? Would you still make me take my medicine? Or would you withhold the medicine because my attitude about the diagnosis was poor? Would you hide the medicine to “show” me how little you care? Would you not make time to get me the medicine I so desperately need because you’re too busy? Let’s say I have a couple of good days, would stop giving me the medicine because you think I don’t need it anymore? On really bad days when I’m not thinking clearly, would you lie to me and tell me you gave it to me anyway just to eff with my mind?
Let’s say you are in denial about being the carrier of this disease, you feel horrible and can’t face what you’ve done since it was *completely* avoidable, so you lie to me and to yourself about the situation to medicate yourself instead because you think if I don’t know the whole truth about the disease I’ll feel better. These lies are bacteria that kill my immunity system. Whether I find out the truth or not the lies are invisible toxins in the air entering my body making me weaker and weaker and chances of survival go down yet again. Would you keep on lying to save yourself at my expense?
The only “medicine” that can cure my “disease” is 100% truth, even if I would never find out, 100% transparency, and that means every single day, not just on the days you feel like it. It means being forthcoming with information regarding your interactions with her at work because every time you interact with her and don’t tell me it makes her stronger and me weaker. It means loving me through all of the vomiting and resentment and anger and gut wrenching sadness, all the feelings I feel about this “disease” that you gave me. It means putting your needs aside until I am well enough, it means carrying the burden because I am too sick to pitch in. It means doing the work to become an authentic person, it means earning back my trust, it means fixing yourself so you are no longer a carrier of this God awful disease. Would you do that? Would you give me my medicine every day? Or would you let me die a slow and painful death?