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Watching the life you built go down the drain

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lost4now posted 10/24/2013 09:03 AM

It is so damn sad, depressing and unbearable to watch the life I worked so hard to build for 22 years go down the drain. There is nothing I can do to stop it. I just sit here and shake my head.

We are forced to sell our home. When we bought it as we got married it was a small ranch style home. We paid extra on our mortgage for years and went without so we could one day make it into our dream home. Six years ago we did just that. Designed it ourselves and made it into a two story. It was hard work but we were happy with the results. This is right when he started is A. This same OW is now living with him in his apartment. Our home was on the market for 6 months and finally it sold. For far less than it should have. Now everything is going wrong. Contaminated soil from underground oil tank, radon test too high and needs repaired, termites, a three page list of items the buyer wants fixed. We have no money for this. We will need to get a loan just to sell.

My daughters have changed now that they know of their dads A. They will never be the same. So many people have been touched by his poor choices. It's sickening to watch really. I feel like I am watching someone elses life.....not my own.

I feel such anger, bitterness and disgust. It is eating away at me. I worked so hard to be the best wife and mother for 22 years. I lived with his secrets and lies for the five years trying to avoid this mess! I worked outside the home our entire marriage and took care of everything including the kids with very little help from him. I loved him and made due with what he gave me emotionally and this is what I end up with!

It is so very difficult to watch this happening. I hope to God it gets better fast!!!!!

Pass posted 10/24/2013 09:21 AM

That really sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this shit.

I know you already know this, but none of this is your fault. You acted in good faith, and were betrayed by a selfish arsehole.

It may take a while, but it will get better.

Williesmom posted 10/24/2013 09:25 AM


I does suck. Terribly.

NewMom0220 posted 10/24/2013 10:19 AM

You will have a better life in the end. The dream was just that, a dream. By the amount of DDays listed on your signature, you've survived a whole lot. We all have these moments where we watch the "dream" disappear, but you absolutely can do something about it. You can start to carve out your new life where the truth reigns supreme and family is a priority. You don't have to live in secrecy anymore. You can hold your head up and be proud of the wife you were, the mother you are, and the strong woman you continue to be.

I hope you start feeling better. I know it's a process and I can't predict myself where I'm going to be on the emotional spectrum from day to day. But stay strong....start living your new dreams. Sending you hugs.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:08 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

watwasIthinking posted 10/24/2013 10:32 AM

I feel your pain and I am sorry you have to deal with the mess.
I do not post often but I do read others' quite a bit. There is so much support here. So thankful for this forum. For me, I find comfort in knowing that after all this turmoil, it can only get better.

dmari posted 10/24/2013 10:54 AM

I hear your pain, lost4now. It's incredibly hard to accept all the consequences to our WS's actions.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get better fast but it does get better. Please be gentle to yourself today. Hugs to you!

Phoenix1 posted 10/24/2013 12:24 PM


Except for your incredible house issues I could have written your post! Worked outside the home the entire marriage, took care of everything, supported him in every way and kept his dirty little secrets from the kids for five years. The last D-Day was also the last straw as I knew I couldn't do it any longer.

However, I am looking forward to being liberated from all the lies, secrecy, and ongoing mind games. I wasn't raised to live like that and it made me sick. The secrets are all in the open for the kids now and they want nothing to do with their father. As I start to put the lies behind me, I am truly looking forward to living my authentic life! In the meantime, it is sad and depressing to know that almost 30 years was an absolute waste with the exception of giving birth to my kids. They are the ONLY good things about my marriage that I am happy to carry forward with me!

Merlin posted 10/24/2013 14:12 PM

In most marriages, there seems to be both a grasshopper and an ant.

The grasshopper lives with no thought of tomorrow, no obligations to anyone or anything to but their own immediate pleasure.

The ant thinks about and does things so that tomorrow will be better, more secure and that obligations to important others like children are taken care of over time.

It's no surprise that grasshoppers are the ones that, sooner or later, 'wander" with almost no thought to the utter destruction that they leave in their wake.

All the dreams, sweat, delayed gratification and the satisfaction that comes from knowing that ants have from thinking a little ahead, saving a little more and making sure that things won't go to hell because of an accident or unforeseen event.

Grasshoppers don't think about these things and care nothing about them except as a piggy bank to be shattered, emptied and spent right now, usually on nothing.

And so grasshoppers take everything down with them when they go - homes, kids, nest eggs, dreams and all the work that went into them.

Sometimes I feel the fool for having been the ant in my marriage and family. But, I thought it was part of the job I took on when I became husband and then father.

Maybe you can find some solace in the fact that your daughters have seen a great example in how you live and get some benefit from your efforts despite your ant's attempts to destroy It all.

[This message edited by Merlin at 7:58 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

lost4now posted 10/24/2013 15:16 PM

Phoenix....This is really the most painful time of my life. I wake up everyday with the thought that I will be putting another day behind me as I travel in the right direction and eventually on to my new life. Whatever that may be. I look forward to an authentic life empty of lies and secrets and full of love and hope.

This entire mess has changed me forever. I am not the same girl, daughter, sister, mother or woman I was before. And that is really scary. I feel just emotionally, physically and financially bankrupt. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on my worst enemy.

I know my future looks brighter. I just hope I can make it to the finish line.

Phoenix1 posted 10/24/2013 15:35 PM

I just hope I can make it to the finish line.

You will. WE will!! I think infidelity changes the BS forever, both good and bad. My eyes are more open, but I cannot trust anyone right now and I am very cynical. I have to watch that before commenting on choices my kids make that I don't necessarily agree with or see as a bad path. I have always been an optimistic person by nature (XPOS was a constant Debbie Downer pessimist) and I am hoping that will carry me through this hell.

Merlin, what a great analogy! Love it! XPOS is very much the grasshopper living for today with no thought of tomorrow and oblivious of the destruction left in his wake. I am also starting to think of him as a fungus in my life that just won't go away until I find the right antifungal to bring me relief, which is going to take a process of repeated applications rather than a single dosage of any one thing.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 3:36 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Thefly559 posted 10/24/2013 19:47 PM

I feel the same. I am sorry We will be fine in time. ( they say) !

Pippy posted 10/24/2013 21:11 PM

Your life is similar to mine. We were older than you and closer to retirement. We had the foundation in for the retirement home we wanted on a lake. The bunkie had been built for our grandkids to visit. And he very unexpectedly left it all for OW.

So I understand your pain. There is no shortcut, but there definitely are better days ahead, I promise. Some days are bad, especially near the full moon (I'm not kidding) but ever so gradually you find pleasure in the little things. The better days start outnumbering the bad ones.

You get stronger and the best part? You find YOU again. You live life the way you wanted to before it was defined as HIS wife, the housekeeper/cook/chauffer MOM. I wouldn't trade that but it is nice being able to be selfish and enjoy things just for me. KWIM? I tried so hard for 30 years and failed. Now I live in a low rent apartment that is just for me. I don't miss my dream home any more.

You WILL get through this. Be good to yourself and don't look back. You have better days coming.

tesla posted 10/25/2013 07:53 AM

It's not fair. But what Merlin said is spot on. We suffer because we have the capacity to become better. And we do become better.

bdnomore posted 10/26/2013 01:45 AM

I am feeling your pain, Lost. 23 years married, and he drops a bomb at the start of our daughter's senior year of high school. She will barely speak to him, and he doesn't seem to care.

bdnomore posted 10/26/2013 01:53 AM

Sorry, that post was my first, and I submitted it accidentally before getting anywhere near completion...

It isn't fair that some self-absorbed jerk gets to trash our babies and our lives. I begged him not to do this, but he just doesn't seem to care about anyone other than himself and the HW.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I just keep reading psalms. Evil may win the day, but I know who wins in the end.

Good luck to you and your precious daughters. God bless!

myperfectlife posted 10/26/2013 20:44 PM

Merlin this is so true:

In most marriages, there seems to be both a grasshopper and an ant.

I read that in marriages where there is an overworking partner (ant) and an underworking partner (grasshopper) it is almost always the underworking partner who cheats.

And this is where the word "cheater" comes in, because they are cheating the ant out of everything they have worked hard for, often giving up themselves in the process.

Divorce is not fair to anyone, however. I sincerely believe my WS had no idea of the ramifications when he made his decision to go outside the marriage. It was like he was totally and completely blind that his actions would affect anyone.

I could never live that way. I don't understand it at all.
But as the "ant" I am, I know that *I* have the strength to rebuilt and move on. I don't know that he has the strength to do that.
In the past 6 months I've separated my finances, put an offer in on a house, bought and revamped a motorcyle, and have continued my schooling.
Some day I will be fine.
I don't know if the same can be said for my STBX.
Maybe he's learned something from my antlike habits over the years to be able to survive. At some point it is no longer my problem.

Feeling Consumed posted 10/26/2013 21:48 PM

I still get a lump in my throat going into a home improvement store because ex and I spent so much time there when we were remodeling and adding on to our "dream home". But....the lump in my throat is more of an annoyance now than choking me AND I now have my very own dream home that I can fix up any way I want, but still, at times it's sad.

I know exactly what you are talking about. All the planning and building and working on retirement plans. I am still doing all of those things, but now they are just for me. Some days I'm happy that it is that way, and then for some reason or another, I'll have days that it bothers the hell out of me that I'm alone.

I don't think what happened to us will ever stop being sad, but hopefully we will all not be reminded of it that often and it kind of hides out of sight most of the time.

Gemini71 posted 10/27/2013 05:50 AM

I completely understand the feeling.

There is nothing I can do to stop it. I just sit here and shake my head.

I'm at the point where I'm calculating how long it'll take the bank to foreclose vs. how much longer we have in the school year. Then the kids and I will be moving in with my parents. Sometimes I feel like such a loser, but then I remind myself that this is the grasshopper's doing. (Thanks Merlin for the great analogy)

We are survivors. Success is not 'avoiding falling down', it is 'getting back up'.

Close your eyes and picture this with me: STBX's head on a grasshopper slowly circling the drain as we flush the toilet. He'll be stuck with his crap while we move on.

I feel better now, do you?

myperfectlife posted 10/27/2013 09:17 AM

He'll be stuck with his crap while we move on.

This is the thought I hold to.
Regardless of where I lay my head at night, I know I can sleep-knowing I took the high road and did nothing against my marriage throughout this catastrophe.
It is always a huge adjustment to realign our realities.
For me I had to do this when my dad died when I was 10, when I divorced young at 18, and when my sister died when I was 26. Reality has never been the same for me.
But I am still here, still kicking. A survivor, not a victim.
All of us are. We know we have the skills to live well, to live right.
Those are things are WS do not have and we cannot give them.
The best revenge is living well, and I plan to do it.

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