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TenaciousBW posted 10/24/2013 10:30 AM

My divorce from my sex addict husband was final in April. During our separation and pending divorce I met a man on an online dating web site I will call Ernie. From our first date eveyone commented on how happy we looked together. They all assumed we were married in fact and many people commented on how they wished they could find what we obviosuly appeared to have. We had so many coincidences that it seemed we were destined to find eachother. I had worked 4 years with his exwife, I had been one of his sons teachers in elementary school, his boss lived nextdoore to me, his exwife dated my neighbor across the street, his best freind was my friends husband and his divorce was the exact same day that my husband had left me. He always said "we were meant to be.
During our 10 month love affair he spoke of a woman who had been married to a guy he worked with in the military. He had seen her in 10 years and she had since had two additional divorces. She was also diagnosed with a type of bone cancer and he had reconncected w her on facebook and they texted eachother. This didnt concern me because Ernie had many friends both male and female that he texted. In August he seemed more and more involved with her and her mother. Texting seemed daily and he was more and more empathetic to her condition. He even had made a photo album of her in his phone. Since he didnt have one of me it upset me but he made me feel bad by saying she was dying. And he had made the album the day her mother told him she was dying. Meanwhile I am doing everything for this man. Helping him paint his house, driving whereever he was, Threw him a huge 50th surpise bday party and much more. Just before his bday he told me that his sick friend and mother were wanting him to fly to Louisiana to see her. We live in Connecticut. The mother said she would only listen to him and that her chemo was killing her, He said he had saved her life by talking her out of doing the chemo she was schedued for and postponed it. He also told me she had a boyfriend in the miliatary stationed in California. So I start to get supsicious about the relationsip because she is more and more on his mind and he is texting her and calling her a lot. He is also very protective of his phone and not wanting me to see. Just before his bday party in aug he told me he had decided to go to Louisiana for her bday for 4 days. Told me if I said no he wouldnt go. I said no. He got angry and called me uncaring and unsopportive. He said SHE IS DYING!! and this would be her last birthday. He made me feel so bad I even bought her a bday gift which he made me return. His trip was schedued for Sept 26. And just prior we have a fight about why he couldnt commit to an event to go to together on MY bday buy he was flying across the country to spend 4 days w a friend he hasnt seen in 10 years. So he broke up with me! We spent the next week reconciling, more fights, broke up again but just before he left he called and told me how he was miserable without me, missed everything about me, and wanted to see me when he got back from his trip. Then he texted me how wonderful I am. He did not contact me while he was away which i thought was weird. On his return flight he had a flirty text chat and then he go enraged and crazy jealous when I told him I had talked to a male friend of his at a bar. I had never seen him act jealous before. After that he said he coudlnt be with me, That he was sorry things didnt work out and he was going to devote his life to his 18 eyar old son in his last year of HS and that he was going to move back to SC or south at the end of the year. I was devestated!!! But sure he would come back. He texted me every couple of days giving me some hope we woould reconcile. Two weeks later I went to his sons school play becaue he goes to the school I teach And Ernie was there wtih the woman from louisiana!! He had flown her in on Wednesday and was staying at his house!!! I couildnt believe my eyes!! They were holding hands and cuddling. And all the lies he told me came crashing down around me. I was so distraught I confronted them both at intermission but you could tell that she knew nothing about me excetp that I was Ernies friend. I told her Ernie had asked me to marry him and that she was dying and he said he waas only going out of obligation. I confronted Ernie in the lobby because he leftt while I was talking to her. I told him he lied and asked how he could do that since he was alwYS PLAYING the role of hero against my cheating abusive ex. As he and she left the auditorium we ran into eachother . I asked Ernie again how he could do that to me and thats when he threatened to POUND ME in the face!! I left. He later texted me that I had cost him his relaionship which I dont know if it was true and that he was going to try and cost me my job at school. He did call my school but after I gave them the whole story I was not disciplined. I still cant beleive any of this happened!!! Everyone that knows Ernie loves him and cant believe he has done this either. My therapyist says I keep chosing the same kind of man. We were so inlove right before he left!! And he threw me away for a woman he has only texted for a year and never seen until two weeks ago. She is 15 years younger, has 2 younger kids and she is a doctor. I had warned him about emotional and internet affiars but in the end he got on that plane. I wonder if he will ever see what he threw away. My heaert is broken into a million pieces.

devasted30 posted 10/24/2013 10:36 AM

I am so sorry you find yourself here again. I can only imagine the pain and devastation you are in.
Just know that we are all here and sending you hugs and are here to talk to and commiserate with you. You are not alone.

happyman64 posted 10/24/2013 10:54 AM

Tenacious

Who cares if Ernie will ever see what he threw away.

Live up to your name and go find a man who is honest, has no password on his cell and only has one woman on his mind and in his heart.

You sound like a catch.

So get out there. Stop thinking of him and start thinking of yourself.

HM

painfulpast posted 10/24/2013 11:33 AM

OK, first please get a restraining order on crazy Ernie. He physically threatened you, sent you threatening messages and then tried to have you fired. He should be told that legally you are off limits.

Second, something sounds seriously wrong with Ernie. Even lying cheats don't try to get you fired because they lied and cheated. He seems very unstable. Again, please get that restraining order.

Third, please, the next time a man does something that doesn't sit right with you, don't let him get away with it. I am NOT blaming you, and I know what it's like to want to believe someone, but an online album for a woman he hasn't seen in a decade? Your inner voice was screaming. Please, learn to listen to it.

Fourth, you will meet a great guy. You will, and he will be all you ever wanted, and he won't be crazy. It will happen. You will be happy, in spite of these jerks that want to bring you down.

IrishGirlVA posted 10/24/2013 12:29 PM

Obviously, I am new to this board myself so take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

He got mad at you for expressing your feelings about going to visit her. He got mad at you for talking to one of his friends. He got mad at you when you called him on his lying. And he got mad at you for ruining his RELATIONSHIP with this "friend" of his.

When does he ever have your back? When does he ever take YOUR feelings into consideration?

I'm so sorry you are here. That ANY of us are here. You deserve so much more than what this man can give you because all I see is what others see -- A very unstable and unpredictable man. Don't waste one more minute on a man who threatens to pound your face. OMG --- that's just awful.

TenaciousBW posted 10/24/2013 19:46 PM

Well, since when does any wayward have your back? Isnt cheating all about being selfish? Arent the waywards always angry at the betrayed partner to justify the cheating? If they were sane, loyal and had the betrayed back then they wouldn't be a wayward in the first place. I was confused because he had my back up until two weeks before he went to see her. Then it was like he changed personality completely and acted out of character. Way out of character. Waywards are Always pissed when they are exposed as a cheater and a liar when they werent expecting to. E exposed before hopefully remorse sets in if ever. Ernie was a caring man who always helped everyone including me. But he is unrecognizsble to me now.

Chicky posted 10/24/2013 20:05 PM

And he threw me away for a woman he has only texted for a year and never seen until two weeks ago.

Gently, this is a huge lie. He has been in contact with this woman all along, and most likely he was involved with her before he met you. I don't believe for one minute that 10 years passed since he'd seen her nor do I believe that she's been married and divorced twice. Lies, lies, lies. Get the TRO and move on with your life. Find a real man that can love, respect, and appreciate the real woman you are.

TenaciousBW posted 10/24/2013 20:21 PM

Actually I do believe its been 10 years. I said he was in contact w her since a few months before I met him. He was married 22 years and his ex wife said he never cheated. his new gf was married and divorced several times. I saw her various wedding pics on her facebook page. People reconnect and fall in love and have emotional affairs all the time on facebook. There's ton of articles on it online. This is one of those stories. Im sure he must have been attracted to her from 10 years ago. But I was w him for 10 months almost every day and he never left the state And she never came here in all that time until September. It was an online emotional affair that they finally made physical.

TenaciousBW posted 10/24/2013 20:24 PM

Actually her last wedding was march 2012. It didnt last a year. I saw her wedding picture with the date. Ernie said he left her when she was diagnosed w cancer.

Tearsoflove posted 10/25/2013 03:31 AM

Tenacious,

What is important in all of this is that the man he presented to you for 10 months was a fake. People often have their best foot forward in new relationships but a man who threatens you physically and then tries to get you fired is showing his true, vindictive colors. This is the man he will always be when things don't go his way. Anyone can be charming when everything is roses and rainbows. I know it seems out of character to you but, really, in 10 months it's very difficult to know for sure what someone's true character is and he showed you his the minute the roses weren't so new.

Many a betrayed person on this site can attest to being duped by someone who was so unbelievably charming that his/her head was spinning when the true character came out. Being fooled by someone who can be very charming is proof that you have an open, loving heart. As much as it hurts that heart, it's in your best interest to let him go.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 3:32 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

Secrets Kept posted 10/25/2013 12:24 PM

Be glad he showed you his true colors while you can still get out so easily.

Coming from a past VERY abusive relationship myself, your post raised all kinds of red flags.

Any man who threatens to " pound you" would have ended up being physically violent to you somewhere in your future with him. Non-violent men may call names & such in arguments, but would not threaten to "pound you" because it just isn't in their thought process. But one who does......

Also the job issue.....another DV sign.

Move on with your life w/o Ernie & breathe a big sigh of relief this didn't happen after you were married.

Hugs to you cuz I know it still hurts like hell.