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There are things about what happened that haunt me. He wants to "move forward" but I thought about everything that is holding me back that I wanted to ask/tell him I'm struggling with. As I wrote these and read them I thought, Why am I still here?

1. Has there been any contact with these women that I don’t know about? Was there some sort of “closure” communication with either of them?

2. Have you told me the truth about everything I’ve asked about?

3. Have either of these women ever seen pictures of our children?

4. Have there been other women? I followed you one day. And look what I found.

5. Why did you go to work the day after I found out both times?

6. Why do you say that most men wouldn’t go to counseling and I should be thankful you at least do this?

7. When I called you out on telling OW#2 about my affair why did you say I would have done the same thing if you had your affairs first?

8. Why did I have to hear about your additional “date” from the OW and not you?

9. Why do you have anything to do with (name of friend who went out with he and OW#1)?

10. If I hadn’t had an affair would you be more willing to move?

11. Why do you say your personality changed? Did that mean you didn’t know right from wrong?

12. Why did you say that you didn’t know if we would work out so you started dating? We had had couples pictures taken the day before your affair started. We had just returned from a romantic vacation.

13. Why did you get so mad at me for putting spyware on your phone?

14. How could you say I caused my own trauma by spying on you myself? Didn’t YOUR ACTIONS cause my trauma?

15. Why did you say “you need to let these people go” when I looked at her LinkedIn page? I have a right to know if they are still employed around here… I have never said anything like this to you.

16. Please understand that EVERYWHERE WE GO I worry about running into them. I will NOT simply walk away. I will leave. I will not allow myself to be traumatized anymore and I cannot understand how you think putting myself in this situation would be ok.

17. Why would you even glance at another woman after two affairs? You’re lucky you still have your testicles.

18. Why did you say you wouldn’t pay for anymore peoplesearch stuff? Why do I feel like I have to defend myself for doing that? I shouldn’t.

19. Do you know that the leading researcher on affairs Shirley Glass, recommends the couple put aside some money in case the BS needs to hire a PI just to verify things are going ok?

20. Why twice?

Those are all certainly reasonable questions to ask. I don't think they are reasons you shouldn't still be there. We've all had to ask similar questions.

I agree these are really important topics. My reading is that some of these are important questions about info (1-4, 20, among others), but other Qs seem to have more to do with your feelings and or his not really hearing you. Some are both.

I recommend separating the topics into 'Qs' and 'conversations' and approach each type of topic differently. One way to start the conversations is to say something like, 'I'm uncomfortable about ______. Can we talk about it now?' If he says, 'No,' the followup is , 'OK. When?'

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:21 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]