The other night at 12:30 am, I heard knocking at my door and the door bell starting ringing, I woke up and my first thought was "Stbx is going to kill me". So I stayed in bed a few more minutes and realized that he wouldn't knock and ring the door bell if he was going to hurt me. Then I realized it was my DD18 best friend (who is in an abusive relationship and knows she can come here anytime) so I let her in. Of course she apologized profusely and said, "I was hoping you didn't think I was stbx".
Anyways, the next day while the kids and I are talking about whatevers, the subject of DD18 best friend showing up in the middle of the night comes up and I shared that I thought it was stbx coming to kill me. My DD18 cracks up but my DS14 says "See, you are still paranoid! Why would you think that?"
(quick back story: DS14 does not know about stbx's suicide attempt, behavior and threat to shoot himself in the head and have the kids find him. Earlier this years, stbx pushed DS14 out of the doorway and yelled at me for 30 minutes. THIS is the reason why DS14 always thinks I'm paranoid although I have reassured him consistently that I am not afraid of stbx)
I feel so horrible. I want to go back in time and keep my mouth shut. How do I reassure him? How should I apologize? I feel so guilty.
Since the incident that involved DS14, he has been carrying around the guilt of not protecting me and letting his dad in the house although he has been reassured time and time again that 1) it's not his job to protect me. I protect him. 2) None of us knew that stbx was going to do that. Since that incident, DS14 has cut all communication with stbx.
Shit! I feel so horrible. I just added one more issue he has to process when his poor psyche has so much to deal with already.