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I feel like a bad mom ...

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dmari posted 10/24/2013 11:20 AM

The other night at 12:30 am, I heard knocking at my door and the door bell starting ringing, I woke up and my first thought was "Stbx is going to kill me". So I stayed in bed a few more minutes and realized that he wouldn't knock and ring the door bell if he was going to hurt me. Then I realized it was my DD18 best friend (who is in an abusive relationship and knows she can come here anytime) so I let her in. Of course she apologized profusely and said, "I was hoping you didn't think I was stbx".

Anyways, the next day while the kids and I are talking about whatevers, the subject of DD18 best friend showing up in the middle of the night comes up and I shared that I thought it was stbx coming to kill me. My DD18 cracks up but my DS14 says "See, you are still paranoid! Why would you think that?"
(quick back story: DS14 does not know about stbx's suicide attempt, behavior and threat to shoot himself in the head and have the kids find him. Earlier this years, stbx pushed DS14 out of the doorway and yelled at me for 30 minutes. THIS is the reason why DS14 always thinks I'm paranoid although I have reassured him consistently that I am not afraid of stbx)

I feel so horrible. I want to go back in time and keep my mouth shut. How do I reassure him? How should I apologize? I feel so guilty.

Since the incident that involved DS14, he has been carrying around the guilt of not protecting me and letting his dad in the house although he has been reassured time and time again that 1) it's not his job to protect me. I protect him. 2) None of us knew that stbx was going to do that. Since that incident, DS14 has cut all communication with stbx.

Shit! I feel so horrible. I just added one more issue he has to process when his poor psyche has so much to deal with already.

debbysbaby posted 10/24/2013 12:14 PM

You might just tell him that everything seems a bit more sinister in the dark of night and since it woke you from sleep and you were already having some unsettling dreams it just popped into your mind...But in the light of day things look different.

nutmegkitty posted 10/24/2013 12:48 PM

You are not a bad mom at all honey. It's ok. Sometimes our mask that we wear in front of the kids slips off and they see what's underneath. I think it happens to all of us at one point or another.
I like debbysbaby's suggestion of saying that everything seems worse in the middle of the night, and saying that you are ok.

((hugs))

Pentup posted 10/24/2013 14:41 PM

I think if you are seriously afraid that your ex is capable of that, then you do not recant. Because sometime you may need them to call 911 for you.

tesla posted 10/25/2013 07:59 AM

((((dmari))))
It was an honest and authentic moment. You are not a bad mom.

dmari posted 10/25/2013 10:05 AM

Thank you so much. You don't know how much your response means to me. I wrote this post in the morning. At lunch time, I get a text from DS14 that he had a plan to commit suicide. Thankfully, we had his regularly scheduled appointment with his therapist right after school. He now has suicide prevention plan and will increase his therapy. The enormity of what he was going to do hit him last night. He stayed close to me all afternoon until he fell asleep. Within those hours, he brought up what I said the other night and I did apologize for scaring him and explained my mind was not clear at midnight.

Thank you again for your responses!

ruinedandbroken posted 10/25/2013 20:31 PM

((dmari))

You are a great mom.

PurpleRose posted 10/25/2013 20:56 PM

How scary dmari!! I'm glad your son felt safe enough to tell you of his plan and that you could get him the help he needs to get through this time.

:( I *hate* what our ex-Doooshes have done to our kids.

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