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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Almost a year out and having a hard time
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I first found out in Novermber 2012 up until April this year 2013 about ALL of the OW.

My dday anniverstary is coming up. According to our IC's and H, I should be ready with a decision to end it or continue. I've choosen to R because of our HB and children. We didn't think we would recover from his ifidelities. I finally forgave him, but. But. Yes, there's a but.

Every time I go to him with hurt feelings, the past, a question, he says I'm torturing myself and we should be moving forward, not taking two steps back. I try to tell him I have 3 years of my life to "process." I don't think he gets it. Or, maybe I don't.

Othewise, he hasn't broken NC for almost a year, doesn't go out, he proves he's 100% involved with the boys and I every day.

But, he leaves to buy fast food around midnight, every night. About a month ago, I caught him drinking in our garage. He's not supposed to be drinking. Now, every time he leaves, I'm worried he will be drinking. I tracked him on my phone last night and then called him. He was VERY upset that I don't trust him and it's almost been a year, so I need to trust him. I DON"T trust him. I'm not stupid.

What do you all think.

Yes, we're both in IC and I'm looking for a new one.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:15 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband also thinks I should trust him and doesn't understand why I don't. HELLO! It's going to take years!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5778 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't matter how far from DDay you are, in order to prove himself to you and your relationship he forfeits any "right" to privacy. Forever. Trust is easier to keep than to regain.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 342 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Missymomma
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Liberty - Your WH isn't even really sober if he drank last month. He isn't going to be able to hear your feelings or acknowledge them until he is well into recovery. You are not crazy but are obviously dealing with an addict, thus someone that has some narcissism to deal with. Are you going to S-Anon meetings? Is he going to AA and working with a sponsor? There is no way to really forgive someone that hasn't reached the stage of amends. That he reacted angrily over you not trusting him is a sign of his lack of recovery. This is not about you, he just isn't in a place to really help heal your marriage, yet.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, missymommy. I keep telling him he needs to start a recovery program and he won't. My IC told me if he doesn't, then there's nothing I can do to make him and well, that would be the end of the line for us. HE DOESN"T GET IT. He thinks I'm picking on him and if it's not recovery I want from him, it will be something else. I don't know how else to handle the situation. This is my whole point! Recovery/12step/AA. He won't go for a while, then will go to a meeting once in a while to shut me up.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:30 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
HFSSC
♀ 33338
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

liberty,
Have you ever been to Alanon? If not, I strongly encourage you to get involved and work an Alanon program for yourself. You are powerless over alcohol as it relates to your H. You are, in fact, powerless over everything that's not you. An Alanon program will allow you to reach a healthy level of detachment, find YOUR strength and will likely lead to a crisis which will either knock you off the fence as it regards to your M, or knock your H off the fence into recovery. Because when you get healthy, the system changes. And when the system changes, neither one of you can remain the same.


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 18 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2938 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Missymomma
♀ 36988
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Liberty, I feel for you. I was in the same situation over my SAWH's drug usage, I finally had to leave for him to get help. Are you going to Al-Anon? You are going to have to detach and I personally think that MC with an active addict is like pissing in the wind. There is no way to make progress if they aren't in recovery. So, I would suggest to you that you detach and stop going to him with your feelings. If you work the steps for yourself, there will be a change. I have always suspected that your WH was also a sex addict/all around addict, as my SAWH is. You might want to do some reading on our thread, there is a lot of good info from these women. At least look at the resources listed on the first page, we have a new thread. (((hugs))) Addiction is a heck of a beast to deal with. Don't let an MC put a deadline on you deciding whether to work on the marriage or get divorced, it really isn't up to them.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, HFSSC I've been to half a dozen differnt Al-anon meetings and even went as a child with my mom. You're all right, I need to immerse MYSELF in evolving, not searching for clues for him. It's my endless obsession. I check the phone records, track him, check the trash cans, his car. It's horrible. I'm a co-dependent slave to his addictions. Thank you everyone. Really. I need to do the 180 because, well, I do rock! lol. JK. I had to make myself laugh...

I suggested he was an SA, too and both our IC's said no, he would have slept with 100's. Well, dating 8 OW in 3 years while your married with two babies seems like SA behavior to me!!!!

I WILL check out your new thread, mm, thanks sweetie.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being SA does not mean sleeping with hundreds. Your therapists are flat out wrong. You need a CSAT.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey libertyrocks.

I am in a 12 step fellowship. I've been going for 8 years. Only in the past two have I really began to work with my sponsor and get into my recovery.
I spent 6 years going to meetings weekly, chatting with my sponsor, halfheartedly doing my step work.
I kept hurting my bs again and again.
It wasn't until I hit my bottom that I truly wanted to get better. For me. To stop hurting everyone around me. To live a genuine life.

I had to hit that bottom. I had to reach my lowest point. I had to want to recover. It didn't matter how much anyone else wanted it for me, I had to get to that point on my own.

Take care of yourself. That's all you can do.


FWS me 37 (recovering addict)
BS him 40 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1154 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, broevil, yeah my H always has an excuse. I honestly don't hink he's ready to fully recover. He thinks drinking once a month for the last year is an improvement. Which it is to an extent. But, it's not the nitty gritty hard work.

Sammy Baker, I agree with you 100%. Sometimes, I think MFT's have a focus of keeping the "family unit" in tact at any cost since we have children. Also, is your handle from the Breakfast Club?? I love that movie!!

SO, THAT"S WHY I DON"T SEE REMORSE FROM HIM!! He's not really sober....ugh, my heart just dropped in my stomach.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Close, 16 Candles :-) still a Molly Ringwald movie!!

Thing is, my husband is SA. He had 4 AP's but sex with only 2 of them (lack of opportunities with the other two) and one was a LTA. No prostitutes, no anonymous hook-ups. Huge porn habit. Not 100's of encounters with random women. If a therapist is not specialized in sex addiction they have no business discussing it with your husband. There are many SA's who never even have sex with someone else.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES!!! That's right. Sammy Davis Baker Junior!! haha. Love that one, too! That's what I meant.I picked my name from the British actress Liberty Ross, who also suffered from the ifidelity of her director husband with Twilight's Kristen Stewert.

Yes, porn was a HUGE problem for him as well. Yikes, I think I have a much bigger problem here. And thank you, you have helped me so much. Especially when I first joined.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:17 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband is white knuckling his recovery, both the alcohol and sex addiction. Its very common to have co-addictions too. He's not in recovery. Every time you post I see this very clearly.

My husband tried to white knuckle it for a long time. It didn't work. Then he got fired for sexual harassment and hit bottom. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to him.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I read your profile and went to your blog, I'm familiar with your story. You're an amazing woman!!

Wow, this new revelation explains so much! I kept wondering why I was harboring so much hate for him. I told him I love and forgive him, I just don't trust him. How can I when he's not actively recovering. Hmmm, glad to know I'm not going "emotionally crazy" like he tries to tell me. I KNOW he doesn't want to start a program. He's not ready....


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
AFrayedKnot
♂ 36622
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kind of bottom is it going to take for him to want to recover?

Are you willing to take that ride along with him?

Eta: just a guess but I bet he is getting high when he goes out every night to get food...ive played that game before.

[This message edited by Chicho at 1:40 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


BS 40
fWS 37 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2693 | Registered: Aug 2012
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Food for thought, Chico...You know, I was just thinking that. I'm going to give him until New Years and if it's not important to him, then I will not be with him. I call the shots, I'm the alpha (fe)male, and I don't really need him. I keep telling him I don't want a repeat of his A behavior and he needs to fix himself. He swears he will never do it again. I told him I've been advised not to trust an addict's promise...I'm finally learning tough love...We've been arguing so much. He won't do a program, I treat him mean, he isn't going to AA/IC, I say mean things or things he doesn't want to hear. Same thing in my book. It's a terrible cycle these days...I'm basically scared he's going to do it again if he doesn't get professional help and NOT IC sessions...Real deal, big boy help like a recovery program of some sort. God, I hope it works. I'm banking my entire M on a recovery program. I just enrolled in a significant other chemical dependency program...wish me luck, as I will need it.

Thank you, thank you everyone for taking the time to share your words of wisdom and experience.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haha, Chico. We don't smoke, but I swear I thought I smelled alcohol on his breath and he literally freaked out at my accusations! I mean, come on, how realistic is it for me to think he's drinking??? We argued from midnight until 3am, up at 4 am with baby, then I had to get up at 5am and I still have a 12 hour day ahead of me...I'm spent and it' not even noon.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Rebreather
♀ 30817
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You decided to reconcile because you were having sex? Srsly? Or am I misreading that?

You gave him an ultimatum months ago that if you caught him drinking, you'd be gone.

You've caught him many times. And nothing.

Liberty, this hinges on what you'll accept and not accept. The reason you continue to struggle is because he continues to cause you pain. He isn't remorseful. You also have a shitty counselor. He pushes back all your problems onto YOU. YOU aren't healing right. YOU aren't recovering from my shitty actions fast enough. YOU need to move forward. I'm sorry, when exactly did he become an expert on healing?

He is the epitome of a dry adulterer. And you can't.make.him.change.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6693 | Registered: Jan 2011
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, Rebreather, you spanked my little bottom blue. And, it's MUCH needed I will say. I did catch him two months ago to be exact and that was the last time. But, I have this gut feeling that tells me he's not worthy....

Yes, all you're saying is true. I plan on leaving him. I agree. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do it again. I also found out he kissed someone after we got married!! Lord knows what other events occured the whole 7 years we dated. Good God. I can't believe all the red flags were in front on me. He was afraid of commitment. That means having sex with one woman. It's becoming clearer and more obvious. Even when we were dating, he would stay out all night, not call, would drink to the wee hours of the night. Even left me hanging on Valentine's Day one year, early on in our almost 14 year relationship. This is deep shit...He was always so flirtatious with other women and when I would call him out on it, he would say I'm paranoid. Well, there you have it folks.

To be continued...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:38 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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