My dday anniverstary is coming up. According to our IC's and H, I should be ready with a decision to end it or continue. I've choosen to R because of our HB and children. We didn't think we would recover from his ifidelities. I finally forgave him, but. But. Yes, there's a but.
Every time I go to him with hurt feelings, the past, a question, he says I'm torturing myself and we should be moving forward, not taking two steps back. I try to tell him I have 3 years of my life to "process." I don't think he gets it. Or, maybe I don't.
Othewise, he hasn't broken NC for almost a year, doesn't go out, he proves he's 100% involved with the boys and I every day.
But, he leaves to buy fast food around midnight, every night. About a month ago, I caught him drinking in our garage. He's not supposed to be drinking. Now, every time he leaves, I'm worried he will be drinking. I tracked him on my phone last night and then called him. He was VERY upset that I don't trust him and it's almost been a year, so I need to trust him. I DON"T trust him. I'm not stupid.
What do you all think.
Yes, we're both in IC and I'm looking for a new one.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:15 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:30 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
I suggested he was an SA, too and both our IC's said no, he would have slept with 100's. Well, dating 8 OW in 3 years while your married with two babies seems like SA behavior to me!!!!
I WILL check out your new thread, mm, thanks sweetie.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
I am in a 12 step fellowship. I've been going for 8 years. Only in the past two have I really began to work with my sponsor and get into my recovery.
I spent 6 years going to meetings weekly, chatting with my sponsor, halfheartedly doing my step work.
I kept hurting my bs again and again.
It wasn't until I hit my bottom that I truly wanted to get better. For me. To stop hurting everyone around me. To live a genuine life.
I had to hit that bottom. I had to reach my lowest point. I had to want to recover. It didn't matter how much anyone else wanted it for me, I had to get to that point on my own.
Take care of yourself. That's all you can do.
"Your secrets keep you sick"
Sammy Baker, I agree with you 100%. Sometimes, I think MFT's have a focus of keeping the "family unit" in tact at any cost since we have children. Also, is your handle from the Breakfast Club?? I love that movie!!
SO, THAT"S WHY I DON"T SEE REMORSE FROM HIM!! He's not really sober....ugh, my heart just dropped in my stomach.
Thing is, my husband is SA. He had 4 AP's but sex with only 2 of them (lack of opportunities with the other two) and one was a LTA. No prostitutes, no anonymous hook-ups. Huge porn habit. Not 100's of encounters with random women. If a therapist is not specialized in sex addiction they have no business discussing it with your husband. There are many SA's who never even have sex with someone else.
Yes, porn was a HUGE problem for him as well. Yikes, I think I have a much bigger problem here. And thank you, you have helped me so much. Especially when I first joined.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:17 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
My husband tried to white knuckle it for a long time. It didn't work. Then he got fired for sexual harassment and hit bottom. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to him.
Wow, this new revelation explains so much! I kept wondering why I was harboring so much hate for him. I told him I love and forgive him, I just don't trust him. How can I when he's not actively recovering. Hmmm, glad to know I'm not going "emotionally crazy" like he tries to tell me. I KNOW he doesn't want to start a program. He's not ready....
Are you willing to take that ride along with him?
Eta: just a guess but I bet he is getting high when he goes out every night to get food...ive played that game before.
[This message edited by Chicho at 1:40 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Thank you, thank you everyone for taking the time to share your words of wisdom and experience.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 1:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
You gave him an ultimatum months ago that if you caught him drinking, you'd be gone.
You've caught him many times. And nothing.
Liberty, this hinges on what you'll accept and not accept. The reason you continue to struggle is because he continues to cause you pain. He isn't remorseful. You also have a shitty counselor. He pushes back all your problems onto YOU. YOU aren't healing right. YOU aren't recovering from my shitty actions fast enough. YOU need to move forward. I'm sorry, when exactly did he become an expert on healing?
He is the epitome of a dry adulterer. And you can't.make.him.change.
Yes, all you're saying is true. I plan on leaving him. I agree. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to do it again. I also found out he kissed someone after we got married!! Lord knows what other events occured the whole 7 years we dated. Good God. I can't believe all the red flags were in front on me. He was afraid of commitment. That means having sex with one woman. It's becoming clearer and more obvious. Even when we were dating, he would stay out all night, not call, would drink to the wee hours of the night. Even left me hanging on Valentine's Day one year, early on in our almost 14 year relationship. This is deep shit...He was always so flirtatious with other women and when I would call him out on it, he would say I'm paranoid. Well, there you have it folks.
To be continued...
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 3:38 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]