WHy can't I just forgive him Why can't I just let this all go? HOw te hell did my life get here? I feel like every day my emotions are just at the surface and I try to hide them with prayers or verses or a smile so everyone doesn't get sick of my "woes is me" bullshit.
I just want it all to stop.
I want to reconcile but I'm so afraid I'll never get over this. SOmeone tell me I can do this because right now I can barely function let alone repair my marriage. All I do is picture them together and I can't get it out of my head...ever....would it be easier to divorce him and find someone new or will I just always be haunted and miserable?
[This message edited by topperoff22 at 12:31 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Try to go back to the basics for a minute. Breathe, eat, sleep, journal, run, walk, read, do yoga--anything that brings you a moment of peace, even if it's only for one minute of each day.
As for feeling like you will never move beyond this...I walked hundreds of miles in those same miserable shoes. I never thought I could find peace, let alone happiness, trust, and normalcy. But I did--one painful day at a time. I had over a year long false R, so I think I was especially slow to process and heal, but who knows? I do know that it was easily a full year, if not 2, before I really felt things significantly shift for the better. Once that started, things began to quickly progress. So, topper, you can do this; and regardless of the outcome, you absolutely will find peace and happiness. It just seems too far to imagine, let alone see right now, but it's there and you are moving toward it everyday--even when you don't actively feel it. Make sure to take care of yourself, and that you are getting all that you need and should rightfully expect from you WH. You will get through this; promise.
Stop worrying about all the things that are out of your control. Whatever happens happens.
1. Dad is an Ass - He always has been, probably always will be, you certainly can't change him, he will say and do mean things. Don't take it personally, that is just Dad. Let it go.
2. WH- He had an A. It sucks, it hurts, and he is really starting to make headway with R. Great.
CP's in the ER - Hey it shows he is really starting to think about things, and that's good, even better is a negative stress test (My lovely H was kind enough to have a massive MI 2 weeks after his 40th birthday while in the city he was having his A at, and most likely because he was banging her) so things could be worse.
3. Your Pregnant. Congrats!!! Miracles happen to us in our darkest times, and sometimes we are so overwhelmed by life we fail to see them. Enjoy this little secret, you are very early on in this. Who knows what is going to happen, and your hormones are all out of whack, and probably contributing to your feeling of being overwhelmed. Acknowledge that, it helps..
4. Mom - That situation sucks, but you know all you can do is love and support her. So is she going to be blind? Totally or partially? Contact the hospitals Social Services dept, and ask for resources for assistance, and learning for blind people. They have them, or know how to get them for you. Tell Mom you are doing this for you (This also gets your mind off all the other shit that you have ZERO control over)
5. The Cat - Is the poor creature suffering? If so then is it time to compassionately let him cross the rainbow bridge? If not, make sure it knows you love it, and enjoy the time you have left.
6. Can you recover from this and forgive? This is your big issue right? Try not to put this pressure on yourself. You may not know this answer for days, weeks, months, or even years. Forgiveness is a lot to ask for in the short time that you have been working toward R. You really need to focus on the here and now, and see if the changes that he needs to make are being made, and try to focus on being happy and healthy for yourself.
Deep breaths, focus on a day at a time.
You DO have so much going on. Take some deep breaths and lean on us.
I was EXACTLY where you are yesterday wondering if I should just walk away. (Though NFW on the find someone new part!)
Due to work schedules, we're struggling to find the time to sort through this mess. In the meantime, my mind is in overdrive wondering if I can ever get past the lies, the deception and the knowledge that someone who I trusted completely could knowingly and willingly cause me this kind of pain.
I have decided to try to R because I do love him, and leaving him does not give me answers or bring me closure. I can run,(and a divorve would be very simple from a legal perspective since we have few joint assets and no joint children or minor children) but all the self-doubt and insecurities will come with me.
I am hoping that with time and some understanding of his thought process through this we'll be able to heal and build a better M.
BUT... I do wonder how long I'll be looking over my shoulder and at what point I will finally have made peace with his A and all the associated fallout.
You are still very early in this process AND you have so many other things that require your energy right now. Be gentle with yourself and try to take one day at a time. You do NOT need to forgive him yet, you're still processing a whole lot of stuff.
Maybe instead of working to repair your marriage today, you identify a few things that are good in your M? Things that make you hopeful? Maybe add a few tomorrow? As that list grows, the possibility of R may seem less daunting.
Hugs to you and comfort that you are not alone in your struggle with this question.
[This message edited by neverdidithink at 1:22 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
WHy can't I just forgive him
Forgiveness doesn't work like that. You can"try" to get to forgiveness, but it will only be real for you when you are good and ready
Why can't I just let this all go?
Because it is a trauma that will take longer than a few months to heal from it. But it will get easier.
I feel like every day my emotions are just at the surface and I try to hide them with prayers or verses or a smile so everyone doesn't get sick of my "woes is me" bullshit.
Because your emotions never ARE far from the surface. Nor would it be healthy to bury them. They are real. Because this all sucks.
Plus, you are newly pregnant which makes it suck even more.
SOmeone tell me I can do this because right now I can barely function let alone repair my marriage
You can do this. But you can't do it by yourself.
All I do is picture them together and I can't get it out of my head...ever...
I know the feeling. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
.would it be easier to divorce him and find someone new or will I just always be haunted and miserable?
It probably would be much easier to divorce him and find someone new. Do you want that?
Give it some more time. Wait a year.
Have your baby. Get organized. Get strong. Let him do the repair work. Make sure you are financially secure.
Heal yourself. Then decide what you really want. And take it.