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BS's I need a view from your side

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nicjean83 posted 10/24/2013 12:32 PM

As my husband and I talk. I still cannot believe after my cheating he would stay! If the roles were reversed i feel I would leave. "I'm not going to take that kind of crap" is basically my thought. So.... as a BS... why are you staying? can your love really be that strong. and how is it after being stabbed in the heart? I feel ( keep word I FEEL. i am not attacking any of you BS's out there by any means) i feel like staying is being weak?? I just don't understand the psychology of a BS staying please help me shed some light so I may understand my BH better.. thank you

Deeply Scared posted 10/24/2013 12:32 PM

I'm moving this to the WS Forum, BS's can still reply in there

Eudaimonia posted 10/24/2013 12:35 PM

Maybe try looking at his staying not as a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength? Superhero strength.

Truly posted 10/24/2013 12:36 PM

Oh. Love isn't enough to stay.

...and then I wrote some stuff... and now I don't know.

Why do I stay? I thought I knew.

painfulpast posted 10/24/2013 12:39 PM

I feel ( keep word I FEEL. i am not attacking any of you BS's out there by any means) i feel like staying is being weak??

Well, you are attacking. Just because it's your opinion doesn't mean it isn't an attack.

We BSs feel like cheating is weak. It is easy, and takes no effort. It feels good, despite being a truly awful display of selfishness.

Staying takes tremendous strength. It means realizing that you love someone, and that someone can make a mistake and that sometimes people do bad things but they aren't a bad person. It means looking in yourself and deciding if, in years, you can move past this betrayal and try to rebuild your life with this person.

You don't stop loving someone just because they betrayed you. That's what makes the betrayal that much more difficult to accept - the person you count on for support is the attacker.

Quite honestly, I don't think you 'get it'. I think you should maybe be discussing this with your BH.

I know that I used to think that if I were betrayed, I would leave. I also know that if my H ever said staying was weak, to me or to anyone else, I would leave him, because he didn't have a clue what he did or how I felt about it.

That's one BSs thoughts on your comments and questions. Hope that helps.

nicjean83 posted 10/24/2013 12:40 PM

OK deeply scared. thanks! this is my second day using the site i wasn't sure what to do or where to put this post.

SisterMilkshake posted 10/24/2013 12:41 PM

as a BS... why are you staying?
Good question. My FWH said he would leave me if I had an affair and he is amazed and happy that I would give him a chance. Before finding out that FWH cheated on me I felt for sure if it was anything more than an ONS that I would definitely leave, too. I didn't.

On d-day, FWH said he would do anything and everything it would take to save our marriage. In our situation, too, the affair had been over for 6 years. He was deeply remorseful. For me, I don't just stop loving someone instantly. I loved my FWH on d-day. I gave him a "chance" because I loved him and we still had a child at home who I didn't want to go through some heartbreaking emotional crap if there was chance our marriage could be repaired. I figured I had nothing to else to lose, except for some time, by giving FWH a chance to prove that he could and would change.

I am very glad I gave FWH a chance.

eta: Something frigidfire posted made me remember this. I, too, can be extremely stubborn about certain things. I refused to let OW destroy our marriage. If our marriage was going to end, it was going to end because we choose to end it, not because some third party came uninvited, on my part, into MY marriage and wanted to destroy our marriage. OW wasn't going to win. By win, I don't mean FWH, who was no prize at the time of d-day, but win by destroying our marriage.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:54 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Truly posted 10/24/2013 12:41 PM

Total sign of strength. (Thank you, truth)

I see his choice to cheat as a sign of weakness and quite pathetic.
I am strong, my word can be trusted by all. I live with, and by, my own truth and values. I do not need validation from broken people to live an amazingly productive and beautiful life. I care about my WS enough to wish that for him too.

notquiteoverit posted 10/24/2013 12:41 PM

Trust me when I say this. It takes far more strength to stay than it does to go. How to see this from your BH's point of view? He obviously loves you enough to go through the work and pain that comes with reconciliation. This is true strength. He deserves a lot of credit for this, and I hope that you are bending over backwards to help him heal.

Unagie posted 10/24/2013 12:43 PM

Wow so your husband loves you enough to stay and work it out but that's weak? He has to look at the woman who stabbed him in the back and come to terms with the fact thag he loves the one who fucked him over and that's weak? Perhaps being grateful for his grace and faith that you can heal from this and taking a hard look at you is in order. So he's weak for staying? What does that make you for doing what you did? I thought I would leave if it was done to me, then I did it and realized I wasn't sure but never that he was weak. Then guess what he did it back to me and I stayed, fought for us. What ended us wasn't the affairs it was the callous treatment after, his non remorse and the fact that we had changed to much to be together. I will never think him staying is weak. Your taking his gift and throwing it back in his face. Easier to do that then to examine yourself.

nicjean83 posted 10/24/2013 12:44 PM

I think the problem is I don't know how to word things It really isn't an attack to say that. I am confused and this is how I WOULD FEEL if put in his shoes. With the way I was raised always ready for a fight and raised to be completely emotionally shut down That if I was hurt this way my first instinct is to be done! SO with that said. I am here trying to find a new point of view. As well as working with out C on this. I do talk to him but he doesn't have an answer for me.

frigidfire86 posted 10/24/2013 12:44 PM

Staying takes strength. It's far from weak. Some stay for financial reasons, others out of fear. There are endless reasons specific to each BS. I stayed because I love my H and I am ridiculously stubborn, among other reasons. I refuse to give up on our M until I KNOW it is hopeless. I still have hope, not a lot, but its there. I stay because I still see a good man, the man I married, inside him. It's hard to see that side of him sometimes, but he's there.

HFSSC posted 10/24/2013 12:45 PM

I'm glad staying doesn't mean I'm weak. Because staying with my H has been the hardest thing I've ever been through. And I've been through some shit in my life.

I've loved my husband for almost 18 years. And I would have told you at the beginning that I stayed because I loved him. After false R and then finding out continued contact for months after our vow renewal and supposed NC, that wasn't enough any more. Now I stay because he made it worthwhile. He stepped up, worked his ass off and changed almost everything about himself to show me that I mattered more to him than anything else in the world. He has become a true leader in our home. He is my rock and I can lean on him and know he won't let me down.

And don't be so sure you know what you would do if the roles were reversed. My 1st H cheated on me and absolutely destroyed me. I had said that any cheating from another partner or spouse would be an immediate dealbreaker and I truly felt it would be. Until it wasn't.

Kelany posted 10/24/2013 12:47 PM

Wow...choosing to try and reconcile shows that a BS is weak? Ouch. I'm really glad my husband does not see me that way, really really glad.

He's said to me that he was the weak one for having affairs, not me. He is shocked by my strength to give him the opportunity to reconcile. He's told me it would have been easier for me to walk away and he has mad respect for me for not tossing him to the curb. He's grateful.

Weak??? Hardly. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I hope you can learn yo respect your husband instead of viewing him as weak.

LA44 posted 10/24/2013 12:49 PM

Staying as weakness? Far far from it! I too thought I would live if H cheated. Then it happened. What you think you are going to do and what you actually do are so different.

My H broke our vows. I am not going to do the same by calling it quits. When he broke off the A he did so bc he wanted "us" (not sure how there could have been an us if I never found out)...since D-Day he has to fight for us (which he has been doing). None of this is easy.

Was I honestly honouring my vows in terms of cherishing, respecting my H? Ahhhh, no! We were being foolish with one another even before the A began. The A woke us up. Slapped us silly and made us realize what we almost lost.

So now, instead of simply being good together. We are working on being great together.

Would I do this again if he cheated a second time? No way.

Oh. And you can ask my H if he thinks I am weak for staying. He thinks I am the most incredible woman. He has no words for what I have endured.

Does this help?

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

lhhell posted 10/24/2013 12:52 PM

I too used to say that if my spouse cheated on me, I would leave. I too used to think that staying was weak.

Then it happened to me and I was faced with a choice - leave or stay. And right now, I choose to stay.

Staying isn't weak. You cannot imagine the strength that is required to get up every day and face the person who ripped your heart out. You cannot imagine the courage it takes to look at your spouse, realizing that they are not the person you thought you married, and choose to find a way to look past the pain. You cannot imagine the extraordinary effort it takes to go to MC and face things about your marriage, your husband and yourself that are gut wrenching.

Does that sound weak to you?

I have deliberately used the word "choose". WS made a choice when they cheated. We BS can make a choice too - remember that when you start thinking that a BS who stays is weak. No - they are CHOOSING to take the hard path - and think about that choice in the light of what a WS has done. Not weak, no sirree.

You should be thankful that your husband has the strength to stay. Advice? Go home and tell your husband how amazingly courageous he is, instead of thinking in your head that he's weak. I can't imagine that it would be easy working through R if you have that thought in your head (assuming you are trying to R).

As I write this, I see that many have said the same things. There are some very wise people on this forum - listen to what they say.

Camalus posted 10/24/2013 12:52 PM

Leaving...running away from the problem...would be much easier than staying and attempting 'R'. It requires true strength of character to stay.

My WW is clueless as to how easy it would be to run away from the problems we have. Especially the main problem caused by her betrayal and cover-up of the betrayal.

A WW or WH that thinks their partner is 'weak' is sadly mistaken.

Tred posted 10/24/2013 12:53 PM

I just don't understand the psychology of a BS staying

I take it you expected him to leave you when he found out, and that wasn't a deterrent for your affair? What did you expect the outcome to be, or did you believe you would never get caught?

I honestly don't know why I stayed - it's a kitchen sink of reasons when it comes down to it. Investment in the marriage, our family, my own inner compass and beliefs, my stubbornness, and I have to be honest and say that I can't handle the thought of my wife with another man. Before or after I found out about her affair - if I was to walk away and end the marriage, then I must be ready for that to happen. And every day is a different reason.

You aren't that far out from DDay from what I gather - reconciliation is hard. Very hard. It's not for the weak. And both D and R have their own difficulties - I don't see either path as being easy for the BS who was happy in their marriage prior to DDay. At times I just exist, at times I'm happy, at times I'm sad, and then another minute ticks by. I was someone who swore that if my wife cheated, I would leave. It wasn't an idle threat - ask my first wife. And some people don't choose to stay, they choose not to leave. So it's complex, and there isn't a cookie cutter answer in my opinion.

I just hope you are strong, because the next 2-5 years may be very trying for both of you.

LA44 posted 10/24/2013 12:56 PM

ps: Our MC said to H: You had an A. You took the easy way out when things got touch. Staying and working it that requires strength.

plainpain posted 10/24/2013 12:57 PM

I do understand what you are saying, and I do think that in the beginning my H also had some contempt for me that I was willing to forgive him. He didn't respect it, because he came from an abusive home where his mom stayed and let herself and her children be abused. He thought I was so afraid of being alone and not being 'provided for' that I was willing to put up with the abuse. He felt that way, because he knew that he was abusing me.

At the same time, OW had filled his head with crap suggesting I was only with him for his money, I didn't respect him, I didn't appreciate him, etc., etc.

So, in the beginning, he did think of me as weak. That was until he began to finally, finally be fully honest with me about everything.. about the last 18 years of our lives together, not just the A. About who he really was inside.

I came very close to leaving, and there will be no more gas-lighting taking place in our home. If he ever disrespects my feelings by making me feel like I am crazy, by blame-shifting, or if he ever lies to me again, I will leave. I refuse to be married to that man for one more day of my life.

I stay because he is not that man anymore. He's not the man I married, and I am realizing now that that is a very good thing. I thought I knew him, and I thought he was the most amazing man alive. I realize now that I never knew him, and that I had been living in a fantasy world of my own creation. He never truly believed I loved him, because he knew I did not truly know who he was. I know who he is now. He's not a superhero. But he is brave enough now to tell the truth, even if it costs him everything. He is strong enough now to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. He has enough respect for me to realize that my love for him is not based on anything he can provide for me. He is aware of what he did to the point that it wrecks him every day. He gave up everything to save this marriage. He gave away his business where they had sex, he gave away his vehicle where they had sex, he threw away all his clothes that he bought to impress her, he threw away everything that had any connection to her or to the state of mind that he was in leading up to the A.

What more could I ask? He was broken inside, and that's why he had the A. I ask myself what I would want, if I had sabotaged my life because I was in an emotional pit... It was not only me that he betrayed. It was also our children, it was also his faith in God, it was also his own moral convictions and everything that he had spent his life building that he betrayed. If I were that kind of broken, I would want to be forgiven. I would want my best friend,the person who loved me most in the world, to stay beside me and give me the chance to heal and to try to repair the damage I had done. That's what I would want, and so that is what I am giving him.

But he knows that each and every day that I stay, I only stay because I choose to stay.

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