"Just as night is followed by day,so to your dark times will be followed by brighter days"
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
...and then I wrote some stuff... and now I don't know.
Why do I stay? I thought I knew.
I feel ( keep word I FEEL. i am not attacking any of you BS's out there by any means) i feel like staying is being weak??
Well, you are attacking. Just because it's your opinion doesn't mean it isn't an attack.
We BSs feel like cheating is weak. It is easy, and takes no effort. It feels good, despite being a truly awful display of selfishness.
Staying takes tremendous strength. It means realizing that you love someone, and that someone can make a mistake and that sometimes people do bad things but they aren't a bad person. It means looking in yourself and deciding if, in years, you can move past this betrayal and try to rebuild your life with this person.
You don't stop loving someone just because they betrayed you. That's what makes the betrayal that much more difficult to accept - the person you count on for support is the attacker.
Quite honestly, I don't think you 'get it'. I think you should maybe be discussing this with your BH.
I know that I used to think that if I were betrayed, I would leave. I also know that if my H ever said staying was weak, to me or to anyone else, I would leave him, because he didn't have a clue what he did or how I felt about it.
That's one BSs thoughts on your comments and questions. Hope that helps.
as a BS... why are you staying?
On d-day, FWH said he would do anything and everything it would take to save our marriage. In our situation, too, the affair had been over for 6 years. He was deeply remorseful. For me, I don't just stop loving someone instantly. I loved my FWH on d-day. I gave him a "chance" because I loved him and we still had a child at home who I didn't want to go through some heartbreaking emotional crap if there was chance our marriage could be repaired. I figured I had nothing to else to lose, except for some time, by giving FWH a chance to prove that he could and would change.
I am very glad I gave FWH a chance.
eta: Something frigidfire posted made me remember this. I, too, can be extremely stubborn about certain things. I refused to let OW destroy our marriage. If our marriage was going to end, it was going to end because we choose to end it, not because some third party came uninvited, on my part, into MY marriage and wanted to destroy our marriage. OW wasn't going to win. By win, I don't mean FWH, who was no prize at the time of d-day, but win by destroying our marriage.
[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:54 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I see his choice to cheat as a sign of weakness and quite pathetic.
I am strong, my word can be trusted by all. I live with, and by, my own truth and values. I do not need validation from broken people to live an amazingly productive and beautiful life. I care about my WS enough to wish that for him too.
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
I've loved my husband for almost 18 years. And I would have told you at the beginning that I stayed because I loved him. After false R and then finding out continued contact for months after our vow renewal and supposed NC, that wasn't enough any more. Now I stay because he made it worthwhile. He stepped up, worked his ass off and changed almost everything about himself to show me that I mattered more to him than anything else in the world. He has become a true leader in our home. He is my rock and I can lean on him and know he won't let me down.
And don't be so sure you know what you would do if the roles were reversed. My 1st H cheated on me and absolutely destroyed me. I had said that any cheating from another partner or spouse would be an immediate dealbreaker and I truly felt it would be. Until it wasn't.
He's said to me that he was the weak one for having affairs, not me. He is shocked by my strength to give him the opportunity to reconcile. He's told me it would have been easier for me to walk away and he has mad respect for me for not tossing him to the curb. He's grateful.
Weak??? Hardly. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I hope you can learn yo respect your husband instead of viewing him as weak.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
My H broke our vows. I am not going to do the same by calling it quits. When he broke off the A he did so bc he wanted "us" (not sure how there could have been an us if I never found out)...since D-Day he has to fight for us (which he has been doing). None of this is easy.
Was I honestly honouring my vows in terms of cherishing, respecting my H? Ahhhh, no! We were being foolish with one another even before the A began. The A woke us up. Slapped us silly and made us realize what we almost lost.
So now, instead of simply being good together. We are working on being great together.
Would I do this again if he cheated a second time? No way.
Oh. And you can ask my H if he thinks I am weak for staying. He thinks I am the most incredible woman. He has no words for what I have endured.
Does this help?
[This message edited by LA44 at 12:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Then it happened to me and I was faced with a choice - leave or stay. And right now, I choose to stay.
Staying isn't weak. You cannot imagine the strength that is required to get up every day and face the person who ripped your heart out. You cannot imagine the courage it takes to look at your spouse, realizing that they are not the person you thought you married, and choose to find a way to look past the pain. You cannot imagine the extraordinary effort it takes to go to MC and face things about your marriage, your husband and yourself that are gut wrenching.
Does that sound weak to you?
I have deliberately used the word "choose". WS made a choice when they cheated. We BS can make a choice too - remember that when you start thinking that a BS who stays is weak. No - they are CHOOSING to take the hard path - and think about that choice in the light of what a WS has done. Not weak, no sirree.
You should be thankful that your husband has the strength to stay. Advice? Go home and tell your husband how amazingly courageous he is, instead of thinking in your head that he's weak. I can't imagine that it would be easy working through R if you have that thought in your head (assuming you are trying to R).
As I write this, I see that many have said the same things. There are some very wise people on this forum - listen to what they say.
My WW is clueless as to how easy it would be to run away from the problems we have. Especially the main problem caused by her betrayal and cover-up of the betrayal.
A WW or WH that thinks their partner is 'weak' is sadly mistaken.
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.
I just don't understand the psychology of a BS staying
I honestly don't know why I stayed - it's a kitchen sink of reasons when it comes down to it. Investment in the marriage, our family, my own inner compass and beliefs, my stubbornness, and I have to be honest and say that I can't handle the thought of my wife with another man. Before or after I found out about her affair - if I was to walk away and end the marriage, then I must be ready for that to happen. And every day is a different reason.
You aren't that far out from DDay from what I gather - reconciliation is hard. Very hard. It's not for the weak. And both D and R have their own difficulties - I don't see either path as being easy for the BS who was happy in their marriage prior to DDay. At times I just exist, at times I'm happy, at times I'm sad, and then another minute ticks by. I was someone who swore that if my wife cheated, I would leave. It wasn't an idle threat - ask my first wife. And some people don't choose to stay, they choose not to leave. So it's complex, and there isn't a cookie cutter answer in my opinion.
I just hope you are strong, because the next 2-5 years may be very trying for both of you.
At the same time, OW had filled his head with crap suggesting I was only with him for his money, I didn't respect him, I didn't appreciate him, etc., etc.
So, in the beginning, he did think of me as weak. That was until he began to finally, finally be fully honest with me about everything.. about the last 18 years of our lives together, not just the A. About who he really was inside.
I came very close to leaving, and there will be no more gas-lighting taking place in our home. If he ever disrespects my feelings by making me feel like I am crazy, by blame-shifting, or if he ever lies to me again, I will leave. I refuse to be married to that man for one more day of my life.
I stay because he is not that man anymore. He's not the man I married, and I am realizing now that that is a very good thing. I thought I knew him, and I thought he was the most amazing man alive. I realize now that I never knew him, and that I had been living in a fantasy world of my own creation. He never truly believed I loved him, because he knew I did not truly know who he was. I know who he is now. He's not a superhero. But he is brave enough now to tell the truth, even if it costs him everything. He is strong enough now to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions. He has enough respect for me to realize that my love for him is not based on anything he can provide for me. He is aware of what he did to the point that it wrecks him every day. He gave up everything to save this marriage. He gave away his business where they had sex, he gave away his vehicle where they had sex, he threw away all his clothes that he bought to impress her, he threw away everything that had any connection to her or to the state of mind that he was in leading up to the A.
What more could I ask? He was broken inside, and that's why he had the A. I ask myself what I would want, if I had sabotaged my life because I was in an emotional pit... It was not only me that he betrayed. It was also our children, it was also his faith in God, it was also his own moral convictions and everything that he had spent his life building that he betrayed. If I were that kind of broken, I would want to be forgiven. I would want my best friend,the person who loved me most in the world, to stay beside me and give me the chance to heal and to try to repair the damage I had done. That's what I would want, and so that is what I am giving him.
But he knows that each and every day that I stay, I only stay because I choose to stay.