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Xws needing your approval of ap?

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newlysingle posted 10/24/2013 13:16 PM

This is a weird question and I'm not sure where to post it. The Gnat has been living with OW since last Spring (immediately after we separated). For some reason, he desperately wants me to approve of her and admit that she's "wonderful". He's actually been downright badgering me about it lately.

I never talk about her or ask about her at all. I basically pretend she doesn't exist. In the past when I did say anything about her I referred to her as the whore or slutface. Even though I never talk about her anymore, he insists that I use her real name all the time and is constantly telling me how wonderful she is and how great she is with the kids. I respond saying that wonderful people don't screw married men.

Yesterday, I sent him an email asking him if he'd pay half of a large landscaping bill I received (I'm still in the marital home and we agreed in the divorce to split maintenance costs on the home). He responded saying that he would pay the entire bill if I only used the whore's real name in correspondence because she is "wonderful". I told him that I will not be blackmailed and I will refer to her how I wish. I added that I would never, ever, ever accept her or think she is wonderful and the sooner he realized that and stopped badgering me about it, the better.

Why on earth does he even care what I think of her? His opinion will mean nothing me when I start to date. Has anyone else dealt with this? It's so bizarre that it leaves my head spinning.

BTW, he still agreed to pay the entire bill.

Vulcanized posted 10/24/2013 13:28 PM

Perhaps it's tough to realize that you imploded your life for a garden-variety whore??? Hence, the need to convince the BS how fucking fantastic OP is. JMO.

Dreamboat posted 10/24/2013 13:47 PM

If you accept her and think she is wonderful that it justifies what he did, in his mind anyway.

I told my X that HE should never say the whore's name to me, ever. The few times he has talked about her he has started to say her name and then stopped and said "her" or "she". I call her that whore unless a child is around and then I refer to her as that woman.

newlysingle posted 10/24/2013 15:17 PM

I think you're both right. Thanks for the insight. I realize how transparent it all is now. Of course he is once again looking for ways to validate his horrible choices.

miadianna posted 10/24/2013 15:28 PM

I haven't spoken to my XH in almost nine years but there was a time he called me during divorce proceedings and tried to get me to accept OW. I referred to her as his "mistress" and he flipped out. He yelled, "Don't you ever use that word again! "She's a nice girl!" I wish you could like her. I said "Nice girls don't screw married men." Then he really got mad and started yelling again. I could have called her a lot worse, I think "mistress" was mild.

I'm lucky I guess because I've never seen her and probably never will.

I really think they are all delusional.

Exit Wounds posted 10/24/2013 16:13 PM

Well, NS,
why not refer to her by her "real name?" If that means he will pay the entire bill, then by all means let him.

Before I forget! When you send the "thank you" card to the lovely couple for paying it in full, make sure you adress it
To: Mr. Gnat & Mrs. Whore

I'm sure the mailman will get a kick out of it.

Also, I just love your name for him. Since I read that about the Gnat, I now call my ex "sperm" LOL

Thanks babe!

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 4:15 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Softcentre posted 10/24/2013 16:15 PM

Crickets may be a better response? Just disengage, refuse to speak about her at all. Ignoring her in every way refuses to feed the drama llama AND drives them crazy!

But as to why? I agree that he's trying to convince himself that he did the right thing (protesting too much?) which means that he knows he didn't but wants you to collude with him. But when you don't and are vocal about it, you just live up to his'horrible wife who made me do it' fantasy.

Crickets will drive him crazy. He agreed to pay as part of the divorce. You don't need to mention her, just the decree.

welcome14 posted 10/24/2013 17:14 PM

Yeah, agree that he's wanting to look better to cover his guilt and save his rep. See, my ex likes her and think's she's the bestest ever! yeah. barf.

Snapdragon posted 10/24/2013 18:46 PM

Ex-fucking-cuse me?

His wishes are irrelevant.

Laugh in his face.

Never give in.

Fuck him. Fuck her.

hoya96 posted 10/25/2013 17:23 PM

I agree with others that it is about validating his choice to be with her and easing his guilt.

I have, on more than one occasion, had ex remind me that clearly I should remember how wonderful she (OW, now his wife) is since I was best friends with her for years.

There's really no talking to someone with that level of delusion. I refuse to engage in any discussions about her (since we only communicate via letter/e-mail, I just don't respond).

I wouldn't even get into it with your ex. Even getting into an argument about him trying to blackmail you is reinforcing his behavior since it's words spent on her. I would just completely ignore whatever he says about her and solely focus on finances or whatever you need to discuss.

miadianna posted 10/25/2013 17:47 PM

My kids call the OW "Voldemort" and have never referred to her by name. Her kids are "Voldemort's daughter, or Voldemort's son." I had to ask what this meant at the time, but now I know. If XH knew this, he would flip out.

StillLivin posted 10/25/2013 22:42 PM

Just Laugh At Him. He Is A Stupid Clown!

IrishLass518 posted 10/27/2013 11:10 AM

I am wondering why he needs your approval now? shouldn't he have asked for it before he slept with her while you were married? Just sayin'

forlornheart posted 10/28/2013 05:41 AM

The gnat needs to continue moving forward, not worrying about what you are calling the his bitch:)

I do this too...I never refer to her by name. Some of her names: whore, troglodyte, bitch, blob fish. I know I'm missing a few. My stbx always gives me this pained expression when I'm derogatory towards her. I always say if the shoe fits.....

I need to find a new one but it's really quite impossible to try and think them up, it's best when they just come to me at the time.


Helen of Troy posted 10/30/2013 07:53 AM

In my case it's most likely a matter of his testicles in a jar held by ow/nw. She tells him to tell our kids and me how we should act toward her. As if I am going to listen to that crap?! Yeah right. She can keep jumping his case about it that doesn't mean I will take the garbage he TRIES to dump on me.
I don't use derogatory names just ones that make her very inconsequential, for an added zinger. She will not be allowed to throw her weight around in regards to my kids. Unfortunately he and I are the legal parents, in the eyes of the law she is nothing to them, just like she is nothing to me.
My opinion of her is gutter whore, barely literate, ignorant, opiate addicted, trailer fabulous, power issued, dysfunctionally enmeshed, religious hypocrite who is not worthy of my attention or energy.

ButterflyGirl posted 10/31/2013 09:29 AM

OW in my case also hated when I called her "mistress." She said, "I'm not a mistress!"

Um, okay, whoreface, whatever you say so

That's awesome he still agreed to pay the entire bill

7yrsflushed posted 10/31/2013 11:13 AM

If you accept her and think she is wonderful that it justifies what he did, in his mind anyway.
^^^This and is it possible that he is receiving shit from OW since OW knows you don't and never will respect her or give her the time of day?

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