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shithead posted 10/24/2013 15:48 PM

Hi all,

I'm new to this site, but have found it invaluable so far. I had a 3-4 month A and my BH found out 6 weeks ago, we are trying R.

Throughout the course of the last few weeks we have been talking a lot about the why, which is quite straightforward. But we have been stuck on the "how could I do this?". I'm one of those people that everyone thought would be the last person to have an A, so it's been a bit of a shock to everyone, most of all to myself.

The truth of the matter is that I obviously have a lot of underlying issues in terms of seeking external validation from other people. I like to make people happy, which makes me come across as a good person. However I believe now that even my doing things for other people was actually selfish as I wanted to get a positive reaction so I could feel good about myself.

I bury my head in the sand when things get difficult, rather than face up to the challenge.

I'm a friendly person, but I obviously have boundary issues, which I want to understand so that I know what is/isn't a healthy boundary.

I seem to be able to disassociate myself from things easily in order to cope when things are tough. And that ability to disassociate was definitely a factor in me allowing myself to have an A.

Also, I struggle to argue properly and quite often freak out and go mad, which is not healthy when trying to R. I'm really placid most of the time, but when I flip, I properly flip.

So, I need to get some IC, which I can get through my workplace, however our MC doesn't recommend going through different types of counselling at the same time. Can anyone recommend any books I could use to start with while we continue MC as I really want to work on my issues sooner rather than later as I think this is vital in order for us to R properly.

And if anyone else has some experience similar to mine, please feel free to share.

My BH keeps saying he just wants me to be myself. But I don't want to be myself anymore!!! That person was capable of having an affair, so I really really really want to change and be the person he deserves to be married to. I don't feel (and am not) worthy of him at the moment, and I want to do everything it takes to become a good person - not just someone that appears to be good on the outside.

[This message edited by shithead at 3:49 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

HUFI-PUFI posted 10/24/2013 16:01 PM

I bumped a thread for you which is self-explanatory. A lot of these books have nuggets of wisdom in them that can help you address the issues of why, guilt, shame, FOO etc that you may find helpful.


Wisdom from Gamine - Make a decision and discipline yourself not to waver. Don't be someone who stands for nothing. Stand for what you decide and back it with the full force of your character and conviction. DECIDE. CHOOSE. COMMIT. PERIOD.

sosorry5454rl posted 10/24/2013 16:20 PM

Boy I could have written that exact post.... not just friends is a great book to start with as well as five love languages. I have yet to read boundaries but understand it is very good. Good for you for being focused on wanting to fix you. I have much to do on working on myself also. Can't afford the counseling so we are trying without it. Thanks for this post, it really resonated with me.

sosorry5454rl posted 10/24/2013 16:22 PM

And your last statement I think is most well said!

shithead posted 10/24/2013 16:41 PM

Thanks HUFI.

SoSorry - it's been a real eye-opener for me getting to understand myself a bit more. Not a pretty sight at the moment, but I don't plan on staying like it. Good luck working through your issues

breakingpoint posted 10/24/2013 20:00 PM

What you are describing sounds like codependent care-taking to me. Pleasing others, taking care of their needs, not out of a giving spirit but out of an emotional need of your own. There are a lot of great books on this topic. You could put it amazon, and look at the ratings, I am not sure of the best title to recommend.

1DumbHusband posted 10/24/2013 23:48 PM

I too could have written your post. It sounds very similar to me except I don't flip when I fail to argue or fight. I agree with the 5 love languages recommendation as well as "how to help your partner heal from your affair". Both are good easy reads.

Silentthoughts posted 10/28/2013 09:04 AM

SH, I could have written your post myself, we sound very similar. I have read soooooo many self help books but I have a few that were very helpful. For the arguing and communication: the high conflict couple by fruzzetti and nonviolent communication by Rosenberg are the best IMHO. My problem is in implementing the techniques from the books. It's one thing to KNOW what to do (or not to do), and another to actually DO. For me, it's still a work in progress, but I most likely have a personality disorder (appeasing hpd and some bpd traits) that have complicated our r. Working on how you communicate and work out conflict is a great 1st step IMHO. Good luck.

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