I'm new to this site, but have found it invaluable so far. I had a 3-4 month A and my BH found out 6 weeks ago, we are trying R.
Throughout the course of the last few weeks we have been talking a lot about the why, which is quite straightforward. But we have been stuck on the "how could I do this?". I'm one of those people that everyone thought would be the last person to have an A, so it's been a bit of a shock to everyone, most of all to myself.
The truth of the matter is that I obviously have a lot of underlying issues in terms of seeking external validation from other people. I like to make people happy, which makes me come across as a good person. However I believe now that even my doing things for other people was actually selfish as I wanted to get a positive reaction so I could feel good about myself.
I bury my head in the sand when things get difficult, rather than face up to the challenge.
I'm a friendly person, but I obviously have boundary issues, which I want to understand so that I know what is/isn't a healthy boundary.
I seem to be able to disassociate myself from things easily in order to cope when things are tough. And that ability to disassociate was definitely a factor in me allowing myself to have an A.
Also, I struggle to argue properly and quite often freak out and go mad, which is not healthy when trying to R. I'm really placid most of the time, but when I flip, I properly flip.
So, I need to get some IC, which I can get through my workplace, however our MC doesn't recommend going through different types of counselling at the same time. Can anyone recommend any books I could use to start with while we continue MC as I really want to work on my issues sooner rather than later as I think this is vital in order for us to R properly.
And if anyone else has some experience similar to mine, please feel free to share.
My BH keeps saying he just wants me to be myself. But I don't want to be myself anymore!!! That person was capable of having an affair, so I really really really want to change and be the person he deserves to be married to. I don't feel (and am not) worthy of him at the moment, and I want to do everything it takes to become a good person - not just someone that appears to be good on the outside.
[This message edited by shithead at 3:49 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]