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When they don't want D, but they won't R...yet

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Spelljean posted 10/24/2013 16:25 PM

Divorce in process but WH is against the whole idea. Yet he never did any of the work to R, never fully committed, never begged, pleaded or demanded I return home after I moved out. Never a sign that me and our daughter meant more to him than anything.

And still he says he doesn't want the D to go through. Yet he's not fully "in" either.

To me, this means one thing. On the fence still.

None of the bull about "Well, I wanted to be free of all feelings for OW before I committed to the marriage again" or, "If we got back together I'm just so afraid we won't get past it and you'd always hate me.."

To me, those words now are just stalling mechanisms. He's trying to use them again and I have turned a deaf ear to all of it. Divorce moving forward.

I guess it hasn't been all that long, but to me it feels like years since dday. 1 year and 3 months of his attempting to fence sit and eat cake probably isn't all that long compared to others here. It just feels like its been going on since the dawn of man.

jackie89 posted 10/24/2013 16:46 PM

Wow - I could have written your post, even a year ago.

I am now fully committed to following through with the divorce. My STBXH, was also sitting on the fence. But he was sitting there because I would ALLOW him to.

Like you, he didn't fight for me, he didn't go to counseling as I requested, he didn't any necessary work, to show TRUE remorse.

And Like you, he would also say the same thing, about how he was afraid, that he had damaged our relationship forever! But yet would do nothing to fix it.

I filed for divorce in the beginning and I kept letting him back into my life - to the same exact results every time.

To this day, he has not taken one step in responding to my filing of divorce, "because he was always thinking that we would get back together" but still would not doing any of the R work.

I would say, go NC and move on, don't make the same mistake, hoping that he'll change, hoping that this time.. this time, things will be different. All it got me was an even more broken heart every time.

Your WH, has had plenty of time to show you in actions that he doesn't want the divorce. And he hasn't!

I read in another site this - something like this; "if he in fact does love you, he doesn't love you ENOUGH" and we deserve to be loved.

devistatedmom posted 10/24/2013 16:51 PM

When they don't want D, but won't R, you continue with the D, and actually, push the D through. He's keeping you as a plan B, and remember, he can also screw you up financially at any time. Take out a huge loan, that you will be half responsible for. Overdraft the accounts. Pay for someone else's rent. Run up the credit cards.

You will be responsible for half, as marital debt. Put your emotions aside, and get that D through, to protect yourself. This is a business deal now. He won't get off the fence....push him.

If it does wake him up, and he suddenly does do your R requirements, AND you decide you do want him back, you can always stop it, or date him after divorce. Right now, it's business. Protect yourself.

Spelljean posted 10/24/2013 17:22 PM

thanks for the responses. Much appreciated and great advice.

welcome14 posted 10/24/2013 17:30 PM

Yes, I agree with protecting your finances. This may sound jaded, but I think that's what these fence sitters are doing, protecting their finances. Against SS and CS and division of assets. If it was truly about helping you heal and you wanted a divorce, he should be helping you get one. Not worrying about what he wants. ((hugs))

SBB posted 10/24/2013 19:31 PM

There's a name for it - cake eating.

Two tag lines here come to mind:

Don't make someone a priority when they have you as an option. (something like that!)

And

Pack up your things, I've made up your mind.

Easy for me to say - I waited until he forced my hand before I was D.O.N.E. I waited right up until I reached the point where had i continued I may not have survived this with my sanity intact. Lots of us do, unfortunately.

ATM I'm waiting for him to file D papers. I consider myself divorced - I'm leaving the running around to him given he seems like 'running around' so much! See what I did there?

18m ago I never would have believed I would one day be laughing about this shit. It does happen.

((Spelljean))

ButterflyGirl posted 10/24/2013 20:01 PM

Seen on my Facebook today: There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for someone who won't jump puddles for you. Man is that true..

He is completely disrespecting you with this attitude. FTG.

"If we got back together I'm just so afraid we won't get past it and you'd always hate me.."

Geez, they really do have a handbook. STBX said the exact same thing to me. Well yeah, douchebag, I'm not gonna get past it when you're still fucking the bitch! Just another lame excuse for not facing himself and dealing with his issues. Yeah they affair down, cause a real woman doesn't share her man.

Mine said he didn't want D either. Cause the best he can think of is keeping me and his girlfriend, and the gall of me to not give him his wish.

Why do these motherfuckers think we are going to wait around while they "figure out" what they want? Fuck you asshole!!

Abbondad posted 10/24/2013 20:11 PM

"If we got back together I'm just so afraid we won't get past it and you'd always hate me.."
Geez, they really do have a handbook. STBX said the exact same thing to me.

As my STBXWW said to me as well. Verbatim. As well as "Wanting to be completely over the POS so I can return to you as the wife you need me to be."

What vile rot. What audacity and disrespect. Thank god I came to my senses before, like you, SBB, I felt my very sanity was at stake and I filed.

Be done with these people. Just... Done. Leave them behind in their sick, cruel selfishness and find our happiness.

Strength to all!

Pippy posted 10/24/2013 20:21 PM

I think he is avoiding CS and SS too. He also may be stalling so he can hide assets. Don't stop with the D. Long after he is gone, you need to pay rent.

beachbunny posted 10/24/2013 21:08 PM

"If it was truly about helping you heal and you wanted a divorce, he should be helping you get one. Not worrying about what he wants."

That's why we are here, huh?

Because all they do is worry about what THEY want.

I agree, time for business. Because they only think of themselves, it's time for you to think about you. I'll do the same.

Heal&Deal posted 10/24/2013 21:21 PM

XH did not want D either. He wanted 24/7, no notice, access to DS without child support. He wanted to say he was married for appearances and have a girlfriend on the side to keep things lively. He wanted to continue to have access to the family home.

He never wanted to R. He just wanted to talk about it enough to keep me interested, so he could continue with the double life.

He never responded to D and I ultimately got a default D, which is a beautiful thing, because, as it turns out courts don't like being ignored. I got every thing I asked for.

hummingbird8 posted 10/24/2013 21:24 PM

I would go by actions and not words. He is saying he doesn't want a divorce but hasn't taken any steps to not divorce. To me that says he wants to divorce no matter what he may be saying. I agree, protect yourself.

Gr8Lady posted 10/24/2013 23:55 PM

Not that I particularly advocate it...but I just bet he would leap off the fence if he thought you were dating or someone was interested in you. My WH was all about his new life until he realized I could do the same. He woke right up...and I didn't even do anything.

Funny thing what's good for the goose is good for the gander. ( my Mom's old southern saying)

Blackhair posted 10/25/2013 05:30 AM

It is exactly what happened to me, WH mentioned once about divorce but never mention it again, as it seems too much to lose for him.

But I pushed him to get our SA drafted up by a lawyer, but two days before the final signing appointment, he took off and visiting OW again.
Finally I filed and he was served, he was not happy as he always wants an amicable one without huge lawyer bills, but do I care at the point??

Anyway he begged me for forgiveness but again not sincere enough, not truly remorseful, so I pushed again to either final sign the SA we had before or to reponds to the my lawyer.

So we did finally sign the SA, it is OVER! It is not easy but glad I filed!

jjct posted 10/25/2013 06:02 AM

"Kick over the damn fence." - Ser

7yrsflushed posted 10/25/2013 07:21 AM

"Kick over the damn fence." - Ser
^^^This...along with piss all over the cake then step in it for good measure. Remove yourself as an option and the real him will come out. Actually the real him has been out the entire time. The fact that he hasn't done anything shows you exactly who he is.

I was you. It took me 2 years to finally realize that filing was the ony way to free myself and protect myself financially. My STBX said she wanted out but took ZERO steps towards doing it. I had to file. I wish I had done it sooner since I gave up an additional 2 years and a 3rd waiting on this dumbass 1 year waiting period to go by. He isn't remorseful so your only option really is to file. I wish you the best but he will continue to string you along for as long as you allow him too.

Williesmom posted 10/25/2013 07:46 AM

Just more passive-aggressive bullshit from people that can't ever live an authentic life.

Dreamboat posted 10/25/2013 09:08 AM

Many years ago I was almost exactly where you are now. X said he did not want D but did nothing to R. He was supposedly NC. 1 year after dday I discovered he had a secret cell phone and I filed for D. He said to me "Aren't you being hasty?" Umn, no. A year of limbo is more than enough, thank you very much. Now, 7 years after the D, he still does not get it. He does not understand why I won't be his friend. At one point several years after the D, he broke up with OW and wanted to live in my basement

I can tell you what your stbx wants. He wants life to go back to the time before dday when you did not know he was betraying you and he had you at home and OW on the side. For him, life was sweet then and he longs to return to it. And he could if only he can get you to cooperate damnit!


(((hugs)))

sodamnlost posted 10/25/2013 11:42 AM

There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for someone who won't jump puddles for you.

^^^^^^THIS. *SO* very much THIS!

If they won't R at this point, they want a D - you have given him long enough to make up his mind. his indecision *IS* in fact a decision.

(((JEAN))))

beachbunny posted 10/25/2013 12:14 PM

I can tell you what your stbx wants. He wants life to go back to the time before dday when you did not know he was betraying you and he had you at home and OW on the side. For him, life was sweet then and he longs to return to it. And he could if only he can get you to cooperate damnit!

Hilariously true.

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