Topic: Vote on my straw poll
Member # 12288
| Posted: 6:32 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013|
Vote on my straw poll.
I've been divorced many months now. It still hurts when I think about it. I have a SO who adores me and we've been together 2 years. He is so kind to me and is a good man. He's was widowed 2 years before we met. We get on fine, there's just one problem....... I feel no chemistry. I'm 51. My heart tells me that this isn't enough to last on for the rest of my days. My head tells me that I should be counting my lucky stars and be thankful for what I have and that there aren't many second chances around at my age. What do others think?
Sorry for the typo!
[This message edited by hester at 6:35 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2006
Member # 24518
| Posted: 6:47 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013|
I was almost 46 when I met my SO, and I'm 49 now. I knew coming from my marriage that I wasn't going to settle for a lackluster sex life ever again. I'd rather be in no relationship than in one where there's no chemistry. If SO and I hadn't been compatible in the bedroom, I wouldn't have kept seeing him. Life's too short.
I know that I am a truly lucky woman. My SO adores me, I adore him, and we have chemistry galore. Life is good.
Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do. ~ Brené Brown
Posts: 12530 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartofTexas
Member # 19595
| Posted: 6:52 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013|
If after 2 yrs, if it doesn't feel right or enough then time to move on. There is still some personal healing to do.
I'm 57 and no way do I want to settle and certainly not because it might be my last chance.
Do you think your "hurt feelings" of your marriage are holding you back from loving someone else ?
I personally don't think I could be in a new relationship with any strong negative or positive feelings toward FT or our marriage/divorce.
I don't like what he did to me, our family, and that I'm not finacially ok because of his actions but he's part of my past and the rest of my life is mine. Maybe I will be alone or be blessed with the person that deserves to be in my life. I don't know.
Right now my plate is full and I'm struggling to make up for years I didn't work so maybe I can retire.
Just don't settle.
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.
Posts: 20458 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Closer to where I want to be..
Member # 16024
| Posted: 6:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013|
Fixed your typo for you
Suppressing your feelings only locks them in place.
Posts: 48690 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 32554
| Posted: 7:18 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013|
I will never, ever, ever again settle for a relationship in which I don't feel that deep-seated chemistry.
Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 10552
| Posted: 8:00 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013|
I think chemistry can develop to a degree but if it isn't there by the two year mark, it's probably not going to show up.
Like the other posters, it's something I wont compromise on again (I'm almost 46). It's important for me to have.
Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan
Posts: 15674 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Member # 27148
| Posted: 9:16 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013|
I am 53 and am long distance platonic friend with a man that is a widow of 1 year and 62. He is a great person. All the character qualities one would want in a friend or lover.
But, I feel NO chemistry. N.O.N.E. Then I think of the 1800's when you partnered with someone so you would not die, and love grew over time? Was that fake back then?
Or is all this chemistry overblown?
I am ready to be a nun!!
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Posts: 3589 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 21925
| Posted: 6:58 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
Just rule out safety as the basis for your relationship.
First m was physically abusive. Second I always said hes a nice man, productive member of society but I had to teach him everything he knows. I went 180 in H choices, but it was just a bad.
BS 43 (me)
Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo
Posts: 1034 | Registered: Dec 2008
Member # 24210
| Posted: 8:07 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
I had this conversation with an OLD guy.
I was saying that I still believe the best is yet to come, etc.
He said "Not me....I would be happy just to be with some who I was content with, that I could co-exist with and not get on each other's nerves." He said he long ago gave up on finding soul mate sorta relationship and would he happy just to settle with someone compatible.
I thought that was very sad. He has never been married so I am not sure he ever really experienced that type of magic at all.
However - I know many people who are like this. They opted to be in a safe, stable relationship with someone they do not feel any real deep, rip-off-their-clothes type of passion, etc.
So back to your real question/vote; I am not at the point of giving up the dream of Mr Ideal for Mr Safe just yet.
Broken crayons still color...
Posts: 3715 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Member # 20150
| Posted: 8:35 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
I'm 60 and would rather spend the rest of my life in my own very pleasing company than be stuck with a "meh" relationship.
But I'm beginning to realize I'm an oddball that way. Most people need and want to partner up with others.
I seem to have other priorities, and I'm fine with not having to shove those aside in order to cater to someone else.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Posts: 19373 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 29289
| Posted: 8:41 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
After my marriage of 25 years ... I could and wouldn't settle.
I need and what I want for myself out weighs being in a poor relationship. With that being said I would rather be alone and live life to my fullest then to settle for something that doesn't give me great pleasure.
Posts: 403 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Back Home ... And feeling Great!!
Member # 30742
| Posted: 9:37 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
I am 44 and after having experienced what true chemistry can do, I also would rather be alone than settle for a relationship without it.
Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
Member # 17460
| Posted: 10:17 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
Safety smacks of codependency to me.
I'll never settle again.
Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!
Posts: 21288 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 30346
| Posted: 10:55 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
If I wanted a friend for a partner, with no sexual sparks...I would have simply stayed with my ex. That was on the table, just stay married since we were good in many ways, and have outside sexual relationship.
I believe I can find the whole package...that is what I want. I don't want to settle for companionship, I want fireworks AND companionship.
Otherwise, I'll be fine alone. At least I don't have to worry or compromise and can pretty much lead my life they way I want to.
me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Posts: 4608 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 20849
| Posted: 11:16 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
My heart tells me that this isn't enough to last on for the rest of my days.
Listen to your heart. It IS really nice to have someone you can trust and talk to and feel comfy with, but that is a bff's job. The ONE thing your mate can do for you that no one else is "supposed" to do is to provide the intimate connection that can only come from a physical connection.
If you don't get it from him, where will you get it from? Do you really want to go without for the next 50 years of your life?
Sex isn't everything, but it is an important part of a serious, intimate, satisfying relationship. I couldn't do without some type of physical connection.
Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.
Posts: 16178 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 8923
| Posted: 12:57 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
I couldn't settle for a lukewarm love relationship with
my best (male) friend again....had that with my dear late husband for all but the first year of marriage.
Thank God I have all the fireworks I could have ever asked for with my SO now AND a best friend connection too!
But.....my SO is a rotten kisser, so if I had tried to predict our chemistry based upon his closed mouth pecks on my lips, I would have not gotten it right! And he turned out to be the best lover I ever had.
In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
--------67 now. Dday was 11/11/05
***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Widowed, then VERY happily remarried 2/14/14
Posts: 2415 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Member # 12288
| Posted: 6:02 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013|
Thank you all for the responses. That's a pretty consensus view from all of you.... I think so far I have my answer. Now to pluck up the courage and pick the time.
[This message edited by hester at 6:02 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
Posts: 370 | Registered: Oct 2006
|Topic Posts: 17|