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Newest Member: js01 (45726)

User Topic: I don't miss sex...
Whalers11
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My NB has not included much sex.

And I don't really miss it. That concerns me. I am in my early 30s and I am not sure it's normal to feel this way. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's not normal.

I do miss physical intimacy - I miss having someone to hold hands with, I miss cuddling on the couch watching tv, I miss sharing a bed with someone... but the actual act of sex? I really feel like I could live without it...

Maybe it's just been long enough that I've convinced myself I don't miss it.

I don't know. But I don't like feeling this way. I feel like it doesn't bode well for future relationships.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2010
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah, you're normal.

For over a year after I stopped seeing my wxh, I was what I called "sexually hibernating". I just wasn't ready to open myself up for that.

I've had small periods of that same feeling since then, but none of them lasted as long.

Like you, the thing that I missed the most was simple physical touch.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7816 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
JessicaFL127
♀ 26864
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do. Dangit.


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
JessicaFL127
♀ 26864
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
suckstobeme
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way.

I would much rather have a nice hug or a slow kiss that includes touching my face or the back of my head. Even to have someone really look at me like he can't wait to hear what I'm going to say. I really miss those small acts of intimacy.

Maybe it's the last memories of sex that have tainted me. In some ways, I think the act is a big trigger. Toward the end, I know exWH had nothing to give me. His eyes were dead. It was just an act. I was just a hole.

One day, I hope to find someone who treats me with much more love and respect and who can give me so much more of himself. Until then, I can live without feeling like somebody's blow up doll.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2879 | Registered: Jan 2011
Whalers11
♀ 27544
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm... maybe you are on to something, suckstobeme. The last sex with WxSO was very unfulfilling and I think he was already gone mentally by that point.

I don't think I can do sex as just a physical release. I wish I could, but I need more than that.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2010
clralb
♀ 17185
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(raising hand)

Yep, I feel the same way. Could be the antidepressants, but I really do not crave sex.

Cuddling and having someone here to watch a movie with I do miss and someone who has my back and is not stabbing me in it, that's what I crave.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 682 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read my post about the C word. I've got some years on you and my hormones are completely settled down, so I'm fine going without.

I get the blowup doll reference too. I should have known we didn't have true intimacy because he would never look me in the eyes.

Meh.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17699 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
inconnu
♀ 24518
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did the "sexually hibernating" thing too, until I met my SO. Turns out I did it a lot during my marriage as well, so it wasn't just a reaction to finding out about the cheating and then getting a divorce. What I figured out is that if my primary love language (quality time) isn't being spoken to me, then I don't want the secondary one (physical touch). And that's when I don't miss sex.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12170 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I call it "hibernating" too. Like my body goes into hibernation.

When I'm in a relationship, I crave sex. When I'm not in a serious relationship, I go into hibernation mode, thank goodness.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4220 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been "hibernating" so long I'm a popsicle.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10014 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
wildbananas
♀ 10552
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hibernated for a couple years. I think it's totally normal at certain stages of healing. I thought maybe I could do a fwb thing but it turns out I'm not wired for it.

The good news is I did come out of hibernation and it was all the better because it wasn't bad emotionally like it was with ex-asshat and xso. It's so much better with someone who cares and treats me right.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15435 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think I can do sex as just a physical release. I wish I could, but I need more than that.
There's nothing wrong with that. I love sex but I am not interested at all unless I am mentally and emotionally attracted to someone. Has to be more than just physical....I have to like the person and feel SAFE!!!!

.

I should have known we didn't have true intimacy because he would never look me in the eyes.
FF, my WS was like that too. You know, one time he actually stuck a pillow over his head while I was taking care of him...that was the last time I had sex with him because at that point I realized he wasn't really having sex with me.... Yuck, great memories.

It is the physical closeness and touch that is important and you will want that and more when you find someone that you are attracted to and is good to you. My love language seems to be someone that can treat me like a priority and make me feel safe and at that point....yeah....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15401 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't tend to have sexual feelings without having someone to direct it towards. In other words, if I meet a man and like him, then hmmm, I start thinking things. But absent that? It really doesn't enter my mind.

I keep BOB by my bed lol, and use it. But again, it's not because ooh tension is building and just gotta ... it's more because sometimes I can't fall asleep and it feels good and is relaxing.

I will also say that in my M, I thought it was that I didn't like sex. Now having experienced a post-D relationship I can tell you that it's not true at all. Apparently I love sex! In my M, the object (my xWH) was apparently not something I liked as in my gut telling me years before my head and facts caught up with me.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3150 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what you are experiencing is normal. I also remember thinking "If I never had $ex again, that is FINE with me...."

However, I do find that when I get interested in someone, my body will react accordingly. So I don't really think we "lose" it, it is just we are not in scenarios that bring it out?

Now having experienced a post-D relationship I can tell you that it's not true at all.

I was very nervious about my first time after D. I did not set expectations high, etc. But OMG - it was the best time EVER (think trashed bed and dehydrated for 2 days)

I am no longer in that relationship; but I learned a lot about my body. I know that me not feeling anything now is ok because my body will "step-up" if ever get into another relationship.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2246 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
fraeuken
♀ 30742
Member # 30742
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whalers, after separation from my xh I was not intimate with anybody for about 15 months and I felt very much like you - did not really want sex, more the hand holding, a stroke on my back, a kiss.

I then met xSO and things changed in a heartbeat. While our relationship did not last, the time we were together was very passionate and I never enjoyed sex as much as with this man. And initially I had some concerns because of him being so much older than me. All those things - hand holding, kissing, cuddling and sex came wonderfully together for some time.

I know now that intimacy with XH was very unfulfilling, and no, he would never look me in the eyes either. Totally different with xSO.

You will get there, with the right person at the right time. Good luck!


Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think those feelings go dormant when there's no "opportunity", but then can easily get stirred up, should the opportunity present itself.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3479 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Confused1829
♀ 32729
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I feel that way to sometimes. I too haven't had a lot of sex in my NB and feel that as a 31 year old woman, this should be different.

HOWEVER.. when I DO sleep with someone - it's like waking a beast!

I believe this is the wave that most women have.

Right after sleeping with someone, it's like we NEED it, then after 30+ days or so without getting any, the beast slowly slips into a slumber and forgets it's hungry. Then, uh-oh, once you awaken the beast, either by mistake or on purpose, it's like look out world! This is why I try to avoid 'flings' because I don't want to wake the beast up if she can't have regular feedings.

It's normal, enjoy this time to make good decisions. Once you need her, she'll be there - be careful what you wish for!


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
Confused1829
♀ 32729
Member # 32729
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd also like to add that yes, intimacy is something I miss as well and is a big part of feeling sexually awake. However, I was talking just about sex, by itself.


Me: fBW 31
DDays: May 31 2011 & Aug 6 2011. Divorced November 14, 2011 (No Kids)

Posts: 282 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New York City
FaithFool
♀ 20150
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he actually stuck a pillow over his head

*snork*

Well he never did go quite *that* far, wow....

But the one time we got jiggy on an overnight tour bus run on one of his rock and roll outings, he put his hand over my mouth so the lads wouldn't hear anything, and that was an 'aha' moment, as in 'aha, he's done this before and not with me".

I remember feeling quite violated by that as it also brought back some old stuff from a childhood molestation event.

He never 'got it'.

Whatevs. Onward!


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17699 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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