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I don't miss sex...

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Whalers11 posted 10/24/2013 19:28 PM

My NB has not included much sex.

And I don't really miss it. That concerns me. I am in my early 30s and I am not sure it's normal to feel this way. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's not normal.

I do miss physical intimacy - I miss having someone to hold hands with, I miss cuddling on the couch watching tv, I miss sharing a bed with someone... but the actual act of sex? I really feel like I could live without it...

Maybe it's just been long enough that I've convinced myself I don't miss it.

I don't know. But I don't like feeling this way. I feel like it doesn't bode well for future relationships.

Williesmom posted 10/24/2013 20:14 PM

Nah, you're normal.

For over a year after I stopped seeing my wxh, I was what I called "sexually hibernating". I just wasn't ready to open myself up for that.

I've had small periods of that same feeling since then, but none of them lasted as long.

Like you, the thing that I missed the most was simple physical touch.

JessicaFL127 posted 10/24/2013 20:28 PM

I do. Dangit.

JessicaFL127 posted 10/24/2013 20:29 PM

suckstobeme posted 10/24/2013 20:38 PM

I feel the same way.

I would much rather have a nice hug or a slow kiss that includes touching my face or the back of my head. Even to have someone really look at me like he can't wait to hear what I'm going to say. I really miss those small acts of intimacy.

Maybe it's the last memories of sex that have tainted me. In some ways, I think the act is a big trigger. Toward the end, I know exWH had nothing to give me. His eyes were dead. It was just an act. I was just a hole.

One day, I hope to find someone who treats me with much more love and respect and who can give me so much more of himself. Until then, I can live without feeling like somebody's blow up doll.

Whalers11 posted 10/24/2013 21:11 PM

Hmmm... maybe you are on to something, suckstobeme. The last sex with WxSO was very unfulfilling and I think he was already gone mentally by that point.

I don't think I can do sex as just a physical release. I wish I could, but I need more than that.

clralb posted 10/24/2013 21:28 PM

(raising hand)

Yep, I feel the same way. Could be the antidepressants, but I really do not crave sex.

Cuddling and having someone here to watch a movie with I do miss and someone who has my back and is not stabbing me in it, that's what I crave.

FaithFool posted 10/24/2013 21:32 PM

Read my post about the C word. I've got some years on you and my hormones are completely settled down, so I'm fine going without.

I get the blowup doll reference too. I should have known we didn't have true intimacy because he would never look me in the eyes.


inconnu posted 10/24/2013 21:40 PM

I did the "sexually hibernating" thing too, until I met my SO. Turns out I did it a lot during my marriage as well, so it wasn't just a reaction to finding out about the cheating and then getting a divorce. What I figured out is that if my primary love language (quality time) isn't being spoken to me, then I don't want the secondary one (physical touch). And that's when I don't miss sex.

cmego posted 10/24/2013 21:44 PM

I call it "hibernating" too. Like my body goes into hibernation.

When I'm in a relationship, I crave sex. When I'm not in a serious relationship, I go into hibernation mode, thank goodness.

Nature_Girl posted 10/24/2013 22:03 PM

I've been "hibernating" so long I'm a popsicle.

wildbananas posted 10/24/2013 22:25 PM

I hibernated for a couple years. I think it's totally normal at certain stages of healing. I thought maybe I could do a fwb thing but it turns out I'm not wired for it.

The good news is I did come out of hibernation and it was all the better because it wasn't bad emotionally like it was with ex-asshat and xso. It's so much better with someone who cares and treats me right.

NaiveAgain posted 10/25/2013 05:57 AM

I don't think I can do sex as just a physical release. I wish I could, but I need more than that.
There's nothing wrong with that. I love sex but I am not interested at all unless I am mentally and emotionally attracted to someone. Has to be more than just physical....I have to like the person and feel SAFE!!!!


I should have known we didn't have true intimacy because he would never look me in the eyes.
FF, my WS was like that too. You know, one time he actually stuck a pillow over his head while I was taking care of him...that was the last time I had sex with him because at that point I realized he wasn't really having sex with me.... Yuck, great memories.

It is the physical closeness and touch that is important and you will want that and more when you find someone that you are attracted to and is good to you. My love language seems to be someone that can treat me like a priority and make me feel safe and at that point....yeah....

cayc posted 10/25/2013 07:01 AM

I don't tend to have sexual feelings without having someone to direct it towards. In other words, if I meet a man and like him, then hmmm, I start thinking things. But absent that? It really doesn't enter my mind.

I keep BOB by my bed lol, and use it. But again, it's not because ooh tension is building and just gotta ... it's more because sometimes I can't fall asleep and it feels good and is relaxing.

I will also say that in my M, I thought it was that I didn't like sex. Now having experienced a post-D relationship I can tell you that it's not true at all. Apparently I love sex! In my M, the object (my xWH) was apparently not something I liked as in my gut telling me years before my head and facts caught up with me.

EvenKeel posted 10/25/2013 07:58 AM

I think what you are experiencing is normal. I also remember thinking "If I never had $ex again, that is FINE with me...."

However, I do find that when I get interested in someone, my body will react accordingly. So I don't really think we "lose" it, it is just we are not in scenarios that bring it out?

Now having experienced a post-D relationship I can tell you that it's not true at all.

I was very nervious about my first time after D. I did not set expectations high, etc. But OMG - it was the best time EVER (think trashed bed and dehydrated for 2 days)

I am no longer in that relationship; but I learned a lot about my body. I know that me not feeling anything now is ok because my body will "step-up" if ever get into another relationship.

fraeuken posted 10/25/2013 09:01 AM

Whalers, after separation from my xh I was not intimate with anybody for about 15 months and I felt very much like you - did not really want sex, more the hand holding, a stroke on my back, a kiss.

I then met xSO and things changed in a heartbeat. While our relationship did not last, the time we were together was very passionate and I never enjoyed sex as much as with this man. And initially I had some concerns because of him being so much older than me. All those things - hand holding, kissing, cuddling and sex came wonderfully together for some time.

I know now that intimacy with XH was very unfulfilling, and no, he would never look me in the eyes either. Totally different with xSO.

You will get there, with the right person at the right time. Good luck!

sparkysable posted 10/25/2013 11:10 AM

I think those feelings go dormant when there's no "opportunity", but then can easily get stirred up, should the opportunity present itself.

Confused1829 posted 10/25/2013 11:28 AM

Yes I feel that way to sometimes. I too haven't had a lot of sex in my NB and feel that as a 31 year old woman, this should be different.

HOWEVER.. when I DO sleep with someone - it's like waking a beast!

I believe this is the wave that most women have.

Right after sleeping with someone, it's like we NEED it, then after 30+ days or so without getting any, the beast slowly slips into a slumber and forgets it's hungry. Then, uh-oh, once you awaken the beast, either by mistake or on purpose, it's like look out world! This is why I try to avoid 'flings' because I don't want to wake the beast up if she can't have regular feedings.

It's normal, enjoy this time to make good decisions. Once you need her, she'll be there - be careful what you wish for!

Confused1829 posted 10/25/2013 11:30 AM

I'd also like to add that yes, intimacy is something I miss as well and is a big part of feeling sexually awake. However, I was talking just about sex, by itself.

FaithFool posted 10/25/2013 14:17 PM

he actually stuck a pillow over his head


Well he never did go quite *that* far, wow....

But the one time we got jiggy on an overnight tour bus run on one of his rock and roll outings, he put his hand over my mouth so the lads wouldn't hear anything, and that was an 'aha' moment, as in 'aha, he's done this before and not with me".

I remember feeling quite violated by that as it also brought back some old stuff from a childhood molestation event.

He never 'got it'.

Whatevs. Onward!

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