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How long does it take?

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breakingpoint posted 10/24/2013 20:12 PM

We have been separated for 8 weeks, D-day was about 5 months ago. I had an EA with a friend/coworker. After looking back over the last five years, no one has been very fulfilled. My H is optimistic about forgiving the A (lots of work to be done, of course), and I am optimistic about forgiving what has been hurtful to me.

But we are still kind of stuck. Not knowing if we are compatible or if we can make each other happy. Maybe the memories of the bad times are just to fresh for us to see the possibilities.
Honestly, it seems like the state of the marriage before the A is the biggest hurdle for both of us.

Both in IC and MC. Just don't know how to sort all of this out!

Heal&Deal posted 10/25/2013 00:11 AM

How long does it take to R? Quite a lot longer than 8 weeks. Your BS is likely still struggling to figure out what the hell happened.

How long does it take to know for sure that you want to be all in and give your M all you have? Hell, some people are married a lifetime and never figure that out. For others it is never unclear. For me? Well, I divorced. It took me about 15 seconds to know that would be the outcome, while it took me about 2 years to actually accomplish it.

persevere posted 10/25/2013 00:20 AM

Have you been an active participant in the R forum? Seems like the better place for this question.

Ashland13 posted 10/25/2013 18:44 PM

What about finding happiness within yourselves and then seeing how you relate to each other?

There are a few people in my life who feel that their happiness comes from another person and they cannot be alone because of that. So they tread through many relationships and don't ever look inside.

And I know other people who are very strong in their own characters and have marriages that are extremely successful, but also their own lives they managed to keep. They look within for self-reflection when problems arise, as I do and are clearer with each other...I hope that makes sense.

Have to make ourselves happy first or find what makes us happy in life.

breakingpoint posted 10/25/2013 22:00 PM

Thanks for your responses everyone. Ashland13, I think you are on to something. I def need to work on improving my self-reliance on the happiness scale. Although we have been physically separated for 8 weeks, we have been emotionally separate for much longer. Hard to pinpoint..a year? six months? Somewhere in there.

For a long time, I have been angry and seeking a connection. After the separation, I have been in extreme grief. Sadness that was so ever-present that I didn't recognize myself and lost hope that I would ever be ok again.

But in the last few days, I have felt more "ok" than I have in a long time. I know that the road ahead will have a lot of emotional work no matter what, but I have been able to laugh, and not be consumed or obsessed with the problems in my marriage.

This is great and also scary. I feel relieved to feel better, but wanting so bad to fix my family that I am scared to lose my desperation. I know that sounds crazy.

I just know that putting the pieces back together will be so hard, I'm scared not to feel desperately needing of the relationship with my H. What if in finding myself, I lose the motivation to do the really hard stuff?

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