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Newest Member: Thrivingforward (61554)

User Topic: Apparently NC is best to stop the insanity
♀ 35476
Member # 35476
Helpless  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH's MO has ALWAYS been to look like a "good guy". I had to tell my family every gory detail (just the one's I had, apparently) in order for them to EVEN BELIEVE ME! He was/IS just that good of a liar.

I am so stupid to not just keep the NC, but he SEEMED like he was being supportive & I have been in a deep, black depression. Thought I could rely on him, but then he talks about his displeasure with his apartment with the kids because "I" don't make enough money while being "supportive" of finances to my face.

That dynamic is sadly, painfully familiar.

Then he says he's going to China in the next 2 weeks & it triggered a memory for me about a trip he was supposed to take to Korea when he had his affair & OW1 was supposed to go. He always lied about that fact, but I confronted him about it an hour ago after he dropped off the kids & admitted that she & him were supposed to go. I believe this was AFTER it was all supposed to be over and we were in marriage counseling.

Anyway, this LTA (15 years) fucks with my head so badly & the depth & details are so much, so traumatic, and so painful...I forget that I'm supposed to be NC for my sanity sometimes.

I also think R is IMPOSSIBLE with an LTA WS-the info never ends. Just my ranty opinion.

So back to NC. Normally I'd be happy he has the opportunity to go to China.
I guess I'm fucked up for even being happy for him.

This is just FUBAR.

Posts: 751 | Registered: Apr 2012
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No contact is important and works. We all slip up at times I know how you feel and I am sorry. Just get back on track stay strong and focused. All the best.

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BB -- what the hell?

Right now you are your own worst enemy. You have GOT to make a decision because this odd limbo that you've put yourself into is doing an enormous amount of damage to you.

It seems to me that BC would be *in* if you wanted to attempt to cobble together a new relationship. I get the feeling that, if you are totally honest with yourself, you don't really want a divorce. And also that you just can't deal with his betrayal.

You cannot go on like this. It isn't fair to anyone involved in the situation. You. Him. Your kids.

Is there any chance that you would entertain the notion of R with him? I get the feeling that *part* of you wants that.....but a large part of you doesn't because it is *impossible* to R when WS was involved in a LTA. Well, BB, it is NOT *impossible* to R under those circumstances. It *could* be done, although I don't imagine that it would be easy, if both people put the effort in.

Are there valid, logistical reasons to explain why you guys haven't filed for divorce yet?

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
♀ 35476
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi gonna

We are not divorcing yet because of health insurance & the cost of divorce. We are under tremendous financial pressure-a ton of debt.

After 2 separate rounds of MC over the last 15 years that proved fruitless because WS lied through them & continues to backstab me, no there is no R in the cards.

Ideally, I'd like to be friendly co-parents & be supportive of each other. That's why I break NC, I suppose. I truly want WS to be happy & successful, but I'm afraid that it is not mutual. Especially this last round of his "I don't have what I want because it's all BB's fault"

There is no way I'm putting myself back in a relationship with one iota of that. That's where it all stems from. There's no partnership in that.

Also, I don't trust him. He's done the same thing over & over and my life is slipping away. I already spent too many years trying to "work it out with him." He never provided a full timeline and what was on there was so heinous, cruel, and traumatic-I'm just trying to let time and therapy heal it.

I think I'm delusional thinking I can be friends with WS. That's where I'm at.

Posts: 751 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ 35476
Member # 35476
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS's constant unhappiness with what he has & refusal to to get help, work on it, or communicate destroyed us. When I realized I was unhappy, instead of blaming him, I went and got help for me first. Then I tried working on the relationship only to find out LTA still happening & another OW & just tons of lies and entitlement, etc...

I want that behind me.

Posts: 751 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ 35617
Member # 35617
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NC. You can do this.
I remember feeling the "need" to be friend with my WH with our first "separation" (not related to infidelity). This is because he was all I knew. It was terrible for me and please don't have that mind set. He's not your friend.
Anyways, I learned way back then that the only one that reaped the benefits were him. Makes my stomach sick to even think about such manipulation (unless he is truly doing the work).
Anyways, fast forward 10 years and here we are with cheating. You have had it bad and it's time for him to stay away and let you heal. Shame on him, for all of this!
Hugs to you.

Update 01/21/17
Me - BS, 46
Him - WH, 48
Married - 23 years
D-Day - 05/12/2012
Trying to find me still
Separated 03/2014 (he moved out of state for job)
Tried and tried and failed long distance 09/2015
Have no idea

Posts: 236 | Registered: May 2012 | From: KY
Topic Posts: 6

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