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Meeting SO's young adult children ...

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Ann124 posted 10/24/2013 22:47 PM

I know there was a thread about meeting SO's "kids" but I believe I am about to encounter my SO's young adult children (DS married about a year and is 22 yrs old, DD is 19 yrs and still lives with SO's XW).

I am just wondering some of the SI'ers experience with this situation and any words of advise ... Thxs

persevere posted 10/24/2013 23:30 PM

I can only respond as a parent of kids that age, though no marriages yet.
I think you just meet them as you would a new friend - polite, cordial - and see where it goes. Their degree of participation will probably depend on the event. If it's a small group versus a larger one.
How long since the D?

TrustedHer posted 10/25/2013 01:42 AM

I met My Lady when her kids were older teens. Now they are 18 and 21.

We worked up to it slowly, and I tried very hard to meet them on neutral ground, not by invading their personal space.

The best laid plans don't always work.

I don't know what to tell you to do or say, but I prepared by telling myself to be aware they were sensitive to my presence, somewhat resentful (due to OW being forced into their lives), and mostly not to be pushy.

I will never be their parent; they have two of those. I try to respect their space and their place in their mother's heart, but I also need to assert myself. I, too, have a place in their mother's heart. And home. Which happens to be their home, as well.

It turns out, I actually like them. At least, on those rare occasions they choose to communicate. And they tolerate me. They apparently have little tolerance for fools, so I am taking that as a compliment.

At that age, they are no longer children. They are likely also not fully mature adults, in our current culture.

Be yourself. You don't have to win them over to you, they need to accept you as a part of their father's life. Hopefully, that can grow into more.

Catwoman posted 10/25/2013 04:18 AM

I think TH nailed it.

GDM's children were all in college or older when we started dating. In his enthusiasm, he wanted to tell his daughter early on. I told him it was up to him, but that to consider that if he told her, she would tell her siblings, including the one who was furious at him due to the divorce (no infidelity, and we started dating 2 years after separation and more than 1 year after the divorce was final). I gently suggested he talk to her about his interest in meeting people/dating vs. tell her about "me." We ended up meeting in person a few months later. I've also met her younger brother. The two oldest children live overseas.

Like TH, I take a back seat, am not pushy or intrusive and try to talk on their level. Good topics are music and activities/interests.

I am mindful to be respectful of their parents and not intrude in a "parent-like" way, particularly since their parents' divorce was acrimonious. I believe I have been accepted as having a place in their dad's life and bringing joy to him. That's enough.

My girls are much more interested in having a "relationship" with him. It is interesting to watch. They seek out his advice and are not shy about contacting him. I think it's funny.

Be kind, find out what interests them so you can converse on their level, be respectful of their parents and get to know them as individuals. The rest, hopefully, will come.


Ann124 posted 10/25/2013 07:28 AM

Thank you everyone ... Great insight from all of you!

SO's divorce has been final for four years and from what he has told me his son (now 21 married himself for just a year and coming home soon from overseas as he is in the military) will be fine and happy for SO's happiness. But as for SO's daughter (she just turned 19 freshman in college and as SO describes her as a "tween") she worries me a bit as I heard she took their divorce very hard and has a distant relationship with SO because of this. my DD and I are extremely close (she is 24 and a senior in college) she has talked with SO via skype and randomly through the phone when he is present and she calls me ... As for my two sons (28 and 22) have also met SO via skype and soon in person over the holidays when they come home to visit this year.

I know that SO's daughter still live with his X and very well may hope they get back together. Their divorce was very mutual after 23 years and they communicate about their kids as I do with my X. I just have to keep all in perspective and follow SO's lead through all of this ...

I am heading to SO's this weekend and I may meet his son but the plan is for lunch the following weekend with his DD. So I just want to keep everything light and very casual get to know her a bit without being too intrusive ... Any other ideas would be very helpful I just hope I am on the right track with all this ...

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