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Just my thoughts on SI

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Taurus517 posted 10/24/2013 23:24 PM

Just random:

I see how SI is important and it does help otherwise I wouldnt be reading and posting and asking for help. On the other hand sometimes I feel like it makes things worst. Am I the only one feeling this way.

Again I believe it works and I thank everyone that comes on to SI and help others and share their stories, sometimes I just feel this way.

1DumbHusband posted 10/24/2013 23:40 PM

I agree with you Taurus. In one sense this forum has been a savior or lifeboat to my M. However sometimes the advice on here does not work for my BS and when my BS gets into a rage, following the advice here doesn't ease her pain and sometimes exacerbates it. I know this is a problem I've caused, but even acting and responding like people on here say to only makes my BS feel worse some days.

HUFI-PUFI posted 10/25/2013 00:00 AM

Take what works for you and leave the rest
....

Its good advice for all of us. We are all unique individuals and there is no such thing as a cookie cutter solution. So, if the advice offered here doesn't work for you, then change it around. Like the saying goes, there is more than one way to skin a cat. If you sit and talk it out with your BS, you should be able to figure out what approach works best for the two of you.


NewAttitude - stop thinking of yourself as a barrel and start thinking of yourself as a well. We are all wells with unplumbed depths that are hidden and ready to be tapped for reserve during bad and stressful situations. Don't limit yourself by imaging you are a barrel. You are a well and you can dig in and go as deep and far as she needs you to. There is no end to our abilities.

Remember, we all post with the best of intention but not necessarily with the greatest of professional skill.

Having your spouse on SI does pose some challenges but with some honest talk and some boundaries, it can work. Instead of worrying on what can go wrong with your spouse reading SI, perhaps the focus should be on what good comes from being here on SI.

HUFI

wincings_sparkle - If it hurts, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you angry, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you cry, it is something worth looking at.

LosferWords posted 10/25/2013 00:04 AM

Well put, HUFI. I couldn't find the right words to respond, but you certainly did.

NewWorldMan posted 10/25/2013 00:22 AM

It sometimes made things worse for me because I'd feel bad about what I'd done, and it would send me into a depression. I read here obsessively that first year after D-day. I still come here alot to lurk. There are times when I have to walk away because I'm reminded of what a piece of shit I was to my ex-wife.

You just have to know when to take a break and direct your focus elsewhere.

plainpain posted 10/25/2013 01:58 AM

*I removed my comment.. I'm sorry for inadvertently replying in this forum*

[This message edited by plainpain at 2:41 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

plainpain posted 10/25/2013 01:59 AM

OOps, sorry... didn't realize which forum I was in. No disrespect intended.

plainpain posted 10/25/2013 02:28 AM

Not sure how to get a moderator.... I'd totally appreciate my comment being removed. I really didn't mean to say those things in this forum.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/25/2013 08:06 AM

I understand how you could feel this way.....there have been times I have had to stop reading posts on this site because it is too painful and overwhelming.

My C (who I am no longer going to)actually told me I shouldn't be using this site for support, or taking the advice of strangers.

That being said, some of the strangers that I have spoken to on this site have taught me many things about myself and have forced me to realize things that I was trying to avoid or deny. I have found more support and learned more from this site than her.

Neznayou posted 10/25/2013 08:25 AM

There are times when I have to walk away because I'm reminded of what a piece of shit I was to my [BH].

Yep, me too. There is some small comfort in knowing I'm not the only one in the world who has f*cked up so severely, and I do take in the advice that seems most appropriate to the situation I've created in our marriage. On the other hand, there are times when reading everyone else's stories simply reminds me that I am piece of sh!t and that what I've done can never be undone nor that there is any limit to how or when the reality of my actions can come back up to the surface. Whether it's been one year or one decade, I have irrevocably altered our relationship.

Aubrie posted 10/25/2013 09:51 AM

T/J

Duuude! A HUFI sighting!

T/J over

I agree with HUFI btw. Recon and healing isn't a one size fits all. There was alot of trial and error on my part. It was frustrating because I'd read that so-and-so's BH wanted such-and-such. And I'd try that. And it would fall flat. Because so-and-so's BH isn't my BH. They're all different. And it took time and patience to find the right formula for us.

There were, and still are, times when I can get consumed. And when I read here, I just get so overwhelmed. I have to remove myself. Not that SI is bad, but sometimes I just need to step away and breathe. And actually live the life that I've been trying to rebuild. kwim?

I do know this. Without SI, I wouldn't be where I am today. The creators of this site, all the volunteers who keep it orderly and safe, and the thousands of members that make up the awesomeness of this place, have been a huge help in my healing.

Just take what you need. And leave the rest.

20WrongsVs1 posted 10/26/2013 14:32 PM

A comment posted on SI got me into therapy. Getting into therapy saved my M. And my soul.

Does it ever make things worse? Maybe in the short term, but ultimately, no. Being on here with one's spouse can definitely be a challenge! But the benefits far outweigh the negatives IMO. ITA with the Sparkle quote, if something stirs up a bit of turmoil, it's worth a second look.

NewWorldMan posted 10/26/2013 19:56 PM

A HUFI sighting is almost as rare as a Huffy sighting

cinnamongurl posted 10/26/2013 23:40 PM

For me, reading here was excruciating at first because it forced me to look at myself and admit that I was 100% responsible for my choices! Up until then, I had been living my life, caught up in my head, feeling like a victim, and blaming the world for my life! SI quite literally saved my life! It forced me to own my life and my pain and my choices, and gave me the foundation to start rebuilding myself. If I had gone on the way I was, I would most likely not be here right now!

I don't post as much as used to, but I do come lurk, at least once a day. I've found that some of the best advice I have gotten from here took a long time to see results from.

When you feel like SI is making you feel "worse", I think that's a good time to figure out why that is! Just MHO!
Eta:

Just take what you need. And leave the rest
this!!^

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 11:43 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Taurus517 posted 10/28/2013 00:12 AM

I appreciate everyone's feedback on this, it does help knowing that you are not the only person in the world feeling this way either on SI or being a WH. So thank you everyone.

@1DumbHusband

In one sense this forum has been a savior or lifeboat to my M. However sometimes the advice on here does not work for my BS and when my BS gets into a rage, following the advice here doesn't ease her pain and sometimes exacerbates it.

Exactly why I asked this question.

@HUFI thanks for the great advice

@Alyssa

there have been times I have had to stop reading posts on this site because it is too painful and overwhelming.

Which is true because we WS also have our own triggers as well and I do also agree that people will say SI doesnt help but as @20Wrongs say

Does it ever make things worse? Maybe in the short term, but ultimately, no.

you have to take what you can relate to and ultimately just help yourself and your BS by taking advice that can work for you.

So thanks everyone and why is HUFI sighting so exciting ???? I'm sort of still a newbie on SI, is it like catching a rare Pokemon ???

blakesteele posted 10/30/2013 04:18 AM

Good post...I appreciate all of the inputs.

My wife and I differ on the value of SI....I credit it to my personal growth, my wife resents it. It has given us opportunities to communicate with each other and work on boundaries together....but it has also been a source of resentment for my wife and a trigger for me.

We are currently not in counseling...did that for 1 year, I backed away from counseling then within a month my wife did the same. I backed away because I am reading books, praying, and have SI.

SI did not cause me to stop my real life counseling, but it was a factor in my decision to step away from counseling (another factor was our counselor was good for IC sessions but not great at MC...and we are at the point where MC was where the guidance was really needed). Within weeks of my decision, my wife asked me to return to MC....I agreed. But we have not done so yet. So I don't see SI replacing real life professional help...hopefully I have explained how I got to my decision to back away from counseling effectively.

After much reading....including the bible....I have a strong sense that people need community to grow. Left to a persons own accord, growth is severely limited if not almost impossible.

When interacting on SI, just like in real life connections, it is up to the individual on who they connect with and which advice and thoughts they pay attention to.

Kicker with adultery....I still feel it is a pain that is confined more to being carried in silent then any other pain I can think of. If I had cancer the reaction of people is pretty similar...stranger or your Mom, most would be compassionate and caring and supportive.....even your kids could grasp this.

But the reaction and support for the aftermath of adultery being invited into your M is not nearly as easy to seek support from, to community around it.

This is where SIs value is.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:21 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

ming56 posted 10/30/2013 05:23 AM

Simply put, infidelity is hard, recovering from the ordeal is perhaps even harder. Reading others experience can be difficult, particularly when the wounds are still raw, but nobody ever said this experience was going to be easy. None of us asked to be here, but once you join this club it is for the duration. Change is difficut, but how could it not be. Adjusting to your new real situation requires hard work and there is no running away from that harsh reality unless one wants to live in a land of make believe where bad things cant happen. I had a major issue with what others wwere telling me on this board in the beginning, and mostly my complaint was legitimate, but once I was able to move beyond that and hear the advice and experience that fit my situation I learned a lot. Put in perspective people are just people and what is offered here is not professional help but daily support dealing with infidelity. That said, some of the words and thoughts expressed here can be quite helpful and even profound. It is here I found a friend who was more instrumental in helping me through the hardest times then anyone else. His words really helped me put the pieces together and learn how to forgive and move forward without hiding from the hard truths. In reaction to the last post about reluctance to be in therapy I feel compelled to add that we found an incredible family therapist who was able to reach my wife and was immmeasurably helpful in saving our marriage. In fact did save our marriage at the point I was ready to walk away almost five years ago, so don't neglect that aspect of recovery even if you have to work your way through some bad counselors to find the right one. Anyway, just my long winded thoughts on the matter...

blakesteele posted 10/30/2013 09:02 AM

....I believe it was my post regarding counseling that Ming56 refers to.

Long story short...I believed MC with our existing counselor was no longer effective (12 months of weekly sessions), my wife agreed, she volunteered to spearhead finding a new one, she changed her mind on the importance, and our search ended there.

I am almost too involved in self discovery....post on here frequently, read lots of books, attend bible study, visit with my pastor and a very good friend regularly...so I felt comfortable at that time that I had a "community" from which to motivate me to continue my journey. My wifes "community" is different then mine, but she feels she is where she needs to be too. She has a strong dislike for SI...sarcastic comments about it during fights, perhaps some resentment though that feeling is me assuming.

I suspect professional help and intensive retreats will be a part of our R sometime in the future. I do value this type of formal, third-party involvement.

Getting back to the original intent of this post...SI's role in R and healing.

My wife has posted on here a few times but does not find the comfort or the motivation for self growth that I do from this site. Probably a difference in WS vs BS perspective.

There is one male member on here that has had a profound effect on me personally.

Without SI he and I would not have crossed paths.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:05 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

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