So WW and I finally have an MC session set up for next Wed. There are a couple questions I've been wanting to ask WW about the affair but kinda feel like I want a referee or a coach to help walk us through that part of the discussion. But I also thought I'd check in here about these things, including whether it makes sense to wait to have some coaching in this endeavor.
So that's question number one: WS has said she'll try to answer any question that I have, but I've actually asked her to hold off for the time being on giving me details of the affair because I feel like it would be good to have a coach help us with this particular item... is this a stupid thing to do? Does this mean it's going to make gaslighting, blameshifting, and TT more likely?
Question #2 is closely related: Why should I ask for a timeline? I'm so incredibly ambivalent about this.
I think I already have a pretty good sense of what was going on, and don't know that I need to know more about what was between the lines in the text messages, SYPE chat, and Facebook messages.
What I have no direct knowledge of is what they've said to each other on the phone, on any video calls on skype, or to each other in person. I think my wife must have deleted most of the emails between them along the way. Most of the ones I could find were relatively recent. Or maybe they just didn't email each other very much.
But, as I said, I'm ambivalent about how much I want to know about any of those other aspects of the affair. So many times in other posts I see reference to the importance for the BS to have a timeline from the WS. Can someone please explain to me why this is supposed to be helpful? I'm not questioning that it is helpful, but it would sure help me sort out my feelings to know why others DO find it helpful.
Q3 for you all is going to take some explanation, but it is basically rooted in a question that asked WW but didn't get a satisfactory answer to because, she said, answering it would require discussing details of the affair that I'd already said I'd like to wait for an MC to coach us through. That question was whether she would have quit the affair if she hadn't been caught. Obviously, I'm not asking you if you think she would have quit. I think we all (including me) suspect that the true answer to that question is no. But the question I have for you all concerns why I would even want to ask about matters that are this obvious to me but so far from accessible for my foggy, foggy WW.
Now I have to go on a little tangent here about my wife's fog (which is still heavy) before I come back to the question about quitting the affair. In a separate part of our conversation yesterday, WW said that, in the weeks leading up to DDay, it was beginning to dawn on her that the affair was harming our marriage (I didn't find this funny at the time, but it is almost hilarious when I write it down as a sentence... i have to write that again just to be sure it's what I remember she actually said... yup. she actually said that it was beginning to dawn on her that her affair--an affair of 3 years!--was damaging our marriage!). She also attempted some of that blameshifting I was worried about in my posts from a couple days ago... she'd point to the FACT that I'm a total PITA sometimes as a current problem in our marriage.
Thanks to advice from you all, I didn't rise to the bait. I said I wasn't going to deny facts, namely that I am a total PITA sometimes. But, I said, it wouldn't have made any difference even had I always been the best husband in the world because, after all, I had previously believed that we had a pretty strong marriage when we committed to having a child, went through a miscarriage and bonded (I thought) over that, and then finally did have a child. And yet she continued the affair during that entire time! And so how the hell are we supposed to be able to get through times when I'm not everything my WW fantasizes about when she can't even get through the times when even she says she thought we had a strong marriage (even if, unbeknown to me, it also included her AP)?
[Bit of a rant coming here, folks... more typical self critical comments and questions from a lost soul to resume following this paragraph.] Arghh! This fog of hers is so frustrating for me! It's like trying to convince someone that water is wet. I mean, this isn't just some kind of opinion I have that I'd like her to believe because I think it's probably right (or because I'm trying to avoid looking at my own character flaws). And it isn't some super-technical item of specialized knowledge that a person can only acquire after years and years of careful study and observation. It's something that is plain as day. It's plain as day... to EVERYONE... other our ridiculously self-deluded WSs. But they HAVE to know this is true, too. Otherwise, why would they keep these things a secret?
Which brings me back to the point. As I said, WW had already mentioned she was beginning to realize the affair was damaging the marriage, but when I followed up with whether that meant that she eventually would have confessed, she said probably not. When I asked if she would have ended the affair but not confessed she said that, to be honest, she wasn't sure. And so when I asked why she probably wouldn't have confessed and might not have ended the affair even though she realized it was damaging our marriage, she said she couldn't answer that without going into details about the affair, which I'd already said I wasn't sure I wanted to know right now and thought I'd want an MC to help us figure out the best way to share that information anyway.
Now here's my Q3 for you, my brothers and sisters. Why would I even want to know my wife's responses to these questions? What could I possibly learn from these responses? As far as I can see, I'm only going to get two pieces of information: (1) that my wife had a long, highly emotional affair with someone that she slept with on some number of occasions (do I care how many times?) and whom she wished she could be with physically more often than their long distance relationship allowed, and (2) that she's completely deluded about the effects of this on her perception of our marriage and my contribution to what I'm increasingly disinclined to think of as "our" problems. But I already know those two things. The only bit up there I don't know is how many times they slept together, and, at the end of the day, that really isn't the thing that matters in terms of how destructive her behavior has been.
Those might sound like rhetorical questions, but they're not. I really want to know... is there something you all think I can learn from these responses that might actually be more helpful than what I already know?
Or is the best (and possibly the only) reason for me to ask these questions of my WW is that, in her struggling to response to them, she might, just might, be able to get through the fog? That would be reason enough to pursue these questions, but do you all think that this is likely?
Also, here's a different sort of question for Q4: should I take this kind of question over to one of the other forums so I can get a little perspective from the FWSs on here? Or would that be a potential disaster for me?
What do you think?