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I think I'm actually ok

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plainpain posted 10/25/2013 01:36 AM

Some days the pain is the worst thing I have ever felt in my life, and I can't believe I haven't died. But mostly, I actually think I am getting through this and might even come out the other side still psychologically whole; this site has helped me a lot. I don't ever have to lay on the floor anymore. I can pray again without bursting into convulsive sobs. I'm still obsessing over OW, but I really think that if she weren't pregnant I might actually have the ability to stop myself from internet creeping her. I've made it through a few holidays, and I felt blessed to have my family still intact.

I think the EA part of his A began around this time, so that is triggering me a lot, and I'm feeling barfy still when I think about him touching her, and all the lies, and on and on, and I am dreading Christmas, but I don't feel hopeless anymore.

I told my H I wouldn't say, 'I just want to die' anymore, and so far I've been able to keep that promise. My kids appear to be emotionally stable and not flunking out of school. All in all, considering the trauma of the complete f*cking over of my whole entire life, I really think I'm going to be ok.

Just thought somebody might need to hear that, as a little encouragement. I know it's not exactly a Hallmark card. It's all a long, long way from healed, but I'm definitely, definitely better than I was after D-day.

momof1girl posted 10/25/2013 01:58 AM

You know what? I think this was meant for me to read right now. My D- Day was 24 days ago and at times, I marvel that I feel no pain, even if only for 15-30 minutes. Don't get me wrong, my heart hurts more often than not, but the fact that I can have a few minutes of nothing helps. Reading this helps. I'm happy that you can see the other side of the tunnel and I hope it only continues to get better for you.

MovingUpward posted 10/25/2013 07:02 AM

You are on the path to healing. Keep on moving for you will get there.

MJane posted 10/25/2013 07:38 AM

So glad for you! I'm on downward spiral today but it gives me comfort reading about the other side...I picture myself in a ball on bathroom floor crying those first days and even though I am sad I too am sure I am not going back there. We are made of strong stuff and I know we can survive this....In the early days I had lots of desire to just disappear without a trace and not to have to inhabit this body, this life and this reality. Now I see that I have a son I adore, friends that are kind and good and a world that still has a lot to offer me. I feel enraged that the person closest to me made me feel this pain but am stopping myself from thinking about not existing...I am here and have a lot to offer the world and even if my H couldn';t see my value others do and I do....

7yrsflushed posted 10/25/2013 07:48 AM

Hold on to this feeling and remember it. For me it always helped if I hit a future dip in the coaster to remember that I actually did come out of the last one and felt okay.

This stuff sucks horribly but it actually DOES get better. Keep moving forward!

solus sto posted 10/25/2013 07:53 AM

I'm glad you're feeling better. The little plains of reduced pain are essential to..well, survival. Be aware, though, that healing is not linear. You will have times when you can catch your breath, only to be whomped back to a state that feels worse than ever. You're very early in the process, and this will repeat over and over, but the periods of okay-ness will get longer and longer, and your coping skills will make the bad times incrementally better until, eventually, peace prevails over pain.

I don't say this to be discouraging, but because it can be very startling, when you think you're okay---then realize that whoa! you're not.

If that happens to you, remember how you feel today---and remind yourself that there WILL come a time, no matter WHAT the outcome, when peace and calm are the (lasting) norm.

ETA: It makes me uncomfortable that you husband has asked you to promise not to express certain things to him. Safety aside (it's important, don't you think, for a loving partner to KNOW if his wife is so down that the thought that ceasing to exist is preferable to enduring a moment more of agony?), you should be able to express your feelings. Even if they are uncomfortable for your husband. I'm not suggesting you have active ideation---just that you should be able to give voice to your feelings, and not feel encumbered by a promise extracted by the man who caused your pain.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:01 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

LMomof2 posted 10/25/2013 07:58 AM

Thank you for your post. Today my emotions are all over the place after a week of feeling in control and stable. It's probably because the weekend is here. I know today's feelings will pass but it is good to hear what you are now experiencing. Thank you again.

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