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Newest Member: sassylee (45766)

User Topic: ow left her H a few months into their A
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just want some feedback from some experienced reconcilers. The OW was married when my H and she began their A. They cried on each others shoulders about how shitty their spouses were, which led to the main and initial justification for the A (which is painful and bullshit). She left her H, with a lie, not the truth about the A, after a few months, while my H told her she 'better not be leaving him for my H' because he was 'never leaving his family' (me and the boys). Initially he took a lot of pride in making that statement over and over - as if that would mean anything good to me at all. He understands now how that is meaningless to me.

My concern is with all the posters here who advocate that the other BS should know the truth. We have had absolutely no contact from her for nearly 7 months, so I am certainly not looking to bring her back into our lives by calling her ex or anything like that (although I'd love to hear if anyone genuinely and reflectively believes that is something I could/should do and why).

My concern now that pops up is wondering if that act means something that I don't understand. Does it mean their love was more real than other affairs? Do I have more risk of the A re-sparking because of these factors? or my H?

I just have a lot of fear and hate popping up pretty strongly right now and am looking for an outside perspective.

Thanks for taking the time to read about the crazy contents of my traumatized mind.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it mean their love was more real than other affairs? Do I have more risk of the A re-sparking because of these factors? or my H?
No, I don't feel it means their llluuurrrvvvv was more real. I feel that the OW was looking for an exit affair, though, and really hoping that her magical golden va jay jay was going to lure your WH away. Some people really "need" other people to lean on and can't stand on their own two feet, doesn't mean love though, means that they are weak and needy.

If your WH is remorseful and doing the work on himself that needs to be done so this never happens again, no I don't feel he is at any greater risk to be starting up the affair again.

In general, I believe the OBS should know the truth. There are a few extenuating circumstances that I feel are legitimate reasons to not tell. In your situation, I do feel like you should let the ex know the truth. He has a right to know the truth. Hopefully that wouldn't cause OW to break NC with you and your WH. We have no idea what kind of a husband the OBS was. Only the perspective of someone who was lying and cheating, usually not very truthful about their spouses. He may have no idea why his marriage broke up. He may be blaming himself. I feel he has right to know the truth about his marriage. It is odd that three people know the truth about his marriage, and yet he is in the dark, but it is/was his marriage.

(((eachdayisvictory)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially he took a lot of pride in making that statement over and over - as if that would mean anything good to me at all. He understands now how that is meaningless to me.
I wanted to comment on this, too. Yes, my FWH made the same statement to the AP in our sitch. Told AP repeatedly and from the get go that he would never leave me. What a guy! My hero! *swoon*


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9952 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does it mean their love was more real than other affairs?

In my opinion, no, it doesn't mean that their love was real at all. All that it says to me is that she gambled that if she left her husband first then your husband would eventually follow her lead and leave you too. I think it's likely that she tried to make herself an easy option for him to choose, especially if she then could offer him her own place that he could just move into. All of it making it easier for your husband to leave you. It says nothing to me about whether their 'love' was 'real' or not, just that she wanted it to be and she made a serious attempt to take it further by making it easier for your husband to leave you too. I think her leaving when she did was a tactic - she was playing to win.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:14 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell yeah sistermilkshake!! Actually smiled as I read your responsel, not something I do often when sorting through my shit here. I hadn't thought about the point you made about three people knowing about his M and him not. That's shit.

I have decided not to so far because of the fear that she will break NC. I'm also afraid that in some dark recess of my mind, I'm looking for some drama. There's something to be said for the numbness of time and repair, as things settle into a 'normal-ish' kind of life, it's almost preferable to feel and talk about the pain all the time. But I know I don't really want that in the long run.

I would love to know more details about why you think in this situation specifically the OBS should know.

Also, would this be something recommended to do openly with the fWS? I can't see him agreeing that it is a good idea in any way or agreeing to it, but if I did it in secret he may find out anyway if the OBS contacts him.

Fuck, I do not want any contact from that bitch's side of life. Really, that may be my priority.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks sinsofthefather, cried when I read that. I think I just needed to hear from someone that their love wasn't real.

The love they described contains the most intense and lasting pain for me, more than all the disgusting intimacy and betrayal, it's the loss of believing I was loved and respected in my home during their A. Hurts, hurts, hurts.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
jemimapd
♀ 37895
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can see your point about not contacting in your situation.
Are you 100% sure that the affair is over and there is no contact? The other spouse is also contacted to monitor possible contact (the two sets of eyes and ears theory).


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eachdayisvictory,

The love they described

didn't even exist in the real world so how can it be real love? That's my honest opinion. It all started and ended with lies on both their parts, they were both showing each other the very worst parts of themselves. They were full of self pity, and self righteousness regarding their spouses, but (to use an SI phrase I love) they only blew rainbow farting unicorns towards each other. They didn't deal in real life out in the sunshine - they dealt in delusion in the shadows. How is that real?

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 9:25 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RAINBOW FARTING UNICORNS!!!!! That's my first time hearing that one, it's now part of my vocabulary forever!!


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can believe that they had a ridiculous fake love all I want, but it's my fWH's thoughts about that love that matter to me now. We have been advised by books (from this site's healing library and IC and MC) that the BS asking about that 'love' is generally not a good idea. They say that it sets up the BS for pain, and the WS to either inflict that pain or lie - because the FEELINGS they had may have been real and may be something the fWS will deal with for the rest of their lives. Yet I hear the opposite on this forum a lot; like the only way to fully R is for the WS to see that love as fake too. Just don't know what basket I should put all my eggs in.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
shiloe
♀ 1224
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may have no idea why his marriage broke up. He may be blaming himself. I feel he has right to know the truth about his marriage. It is odd that three people know the truth about his marriage, and yet he is in the dark, but it is/was his marriage.

^^This. He should be made aware. Like they say the BS is the last to know,

[This message edited by shiloe at 10:55 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 635 | Registered: Mar 2003
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If she left, they are probably going through a divorce. Without the information that she was unfaithful, she may get more from the divorce than someone that cheats would normally get. Even in many Ďno faultí states, infidelity is looked down upon and often results in a lesser settlement for the unfaithful partner.

This poor guy was cheated on, his wife left, and now he may lose more of his assets to her because heís in the dark. Thatís why I think he should know.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, the OBH may be working for R, especially if ow gives up on your H joining her in fantasyland.

I used to be adamant about telling oBS; now, not so much. On the whole, I think it's best, but its' so much easier said than done that I feel uncomfortable telling people to do it. Also, I never had to do it; I'm just pissed at oBH for not telling me when he learned of the A.

Still, I think reasons for telling outweigh reasons for not telling.
****************************

My W took some comfort in her commitment to ow and to herself not to leave me.

She probably spent 10-20 hours each week with ow. She spent 15-20 hours each week on the phone with ow each week. She was so wrapped up with ow that she had to nap for hours each day when she was at home, so I didn't get much of her time and energy when we were together.

We did spend a lot of time in bed together, but most of that was actually sleeping.

Basically, she left me while telling herself she was still in the M. (There's cold fury behind these words.)

How much time did your H spend with you? How much with ow?
**************************

I suspect ow wants your H, but the importance of her availability is determined by your H. If my W's ow split and moved next door, we'd move. My W is now basically immune to ow (actually, she's repelled by ow because she knows a relationship would be toxic), and there are no more ap candidates. If that's essentially how your H feels, ow is irrelevant to you now.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
fourever
♀ 30631
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Initially he took a lot of pride in making that statement over and over - as if that would mean anything good to me at all. He understands now how that is meaningless to me.

I wanted to comment on this, too. Yes, my FWH made the same statement to the AP in our sitch. Told AP repeatedly and from the get go that he would never leave me. What a guy! My hero! *swoon*

Me Three!

Edited to add

Not sure (if they are divorced) it does any good to tell him now. My guess: It wasn't her first rodeo and he knows. If she's moved on, let her.

[This message edited by fourever at 12:05 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 895 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They were already divorced when I found out. She has not asked him for anything. They are retail employees, both of them, so I don't think there's a big 'settlement' issue, plus I'm Canadian, a different legal system.

I'm still not convinced that I should tell him. In fact, I'm thinking that I won't entertain this thought much more. Is this wrong?


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
sailorgirl
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Eachday,

I don't see SI posters claiming that the WS did not have feelings. What matters is how you define those feelings.

When you have romantic or flirty or lustful, or even caring feelings about an affair partner, those feelings do not equal love.

It may be infatuation, limerance, obsession, a crush, pity, rescue, escape . . . but it's not love.

Love is not a tempest of temporary emotions. It's deep commitment and real connection. It's the will to renew passion again and again. It's a choice to have this person's back every day, come what may.

If you love someone, you treat them with respect. You want them to be the best person they can be. You show your truest self to them and invite them to do the same.

Affair partners encourage each other to throw away their integrity. They use each other. They treat each other like the sordid secrets they are. There's no honesty and the fact that the A happens shows that they don't really care about each other. They always put their own brokenness above the AP and show no concern for the AP's future, family or character.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking that I won't entertain this thought much more. Is this wrong?

Not in my eyes. I can't speak for others, but it was completely done for them before you knew. He's moved on most likely. He can't help you ensure the A is over, and he's not going to lose anything if you don't tell.

They are done, and if he never finds out, his world will not change. If he finds out, his world will not change.

Honestly, as much as I favor telling OBS, I don't see much point in telling OBS if AP and OBS are already divorced.

Just my two cents.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sailorgirl, thank you for providing your definition of love in this context. I have a really hard time with that. Separating feelings out, but understanding that feelings affect us, real love, fake love, fantasy for them vs fantasy now and so on and so on. It gets dizzying. I like what you said about it. A lot. Good stuff for me to think on.

painfulpast - thanks for your 2 cents, it is a very considerate and helpful response. I agree, and have decided to let this particular topic lay to rest. I think there are more negative reasons and consequences than positive in telling the other BS, mostly the risk of inviting her back into our lives.

thanks.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
eachdayisvictory
♀ 40462
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I am as sure as I can be right now about NC between them, but will 100% certainty ever really exist for me again? I don't feel 100% certain about anything anymore, except what I am not willing to accept - lies.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 395 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
catlover50
♀ 37154
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazy ipad

[This message edited by catlover50 at 2:22 PM, October 25th (Friday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1823 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 31
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