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User Topic: I shouldn't let this bother me....but it does.
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Sad  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was on Facebook on a running groups site and noticed a conversation that another runner was having who apparently is friends with my XWH and MOW who run now. They were discussing how they had just ran the Hershey Half Marathon last weekend. My XWH got a PR and ran 1:48!!! I just got my PR in September in a half at 1:59. I will never run a 1:48......

I hate that he is becoming a faster runner than me. It just bothers me. He hated running when we were married and never understood my passion for it... and now he has become some sort of super runner! But, I suppose I should get used to it. At least I can say that I can do a marathon. I run my 3rd one this weekend and they have never attempted a full marathon before. MOW will never beat my times....but I hate that he can. Grrrrr.....

Just annoys me... but as always...I will keep moving forward and keep "trying" to put them out of my mind.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:22 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ninebark
♀ 24534
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's just trying to get away from all the demons chasing him...or his guilty conscience...take your pick..lol.

You are amazing! I wish I could do a marthaon. My DS calls me a turtle..lol. I run slow but I always finish.

I know what you mean. My DS and I like to go to the local con (like comicon) and my ex never had any interest. Suddenly he is going to all these events like he has always been there. Dork.

[This message edited by ninebark at 9:33 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes...it frustrates me. I think mostly because running is my "happy place".... it was always my safe place to think....and escape the world...and just tune into my own personal goals and thoughts....clean out the cobwebs of my mind and just become one with my body...I love racing and challenging myself....and running with other runners.... the atmosphere is very addictive and contagious! Especially during a full marathon!

Its like a nightmare for me that they have decided to take up my sport. I know that I need to just come to terms with this...and I will have no choice because I love it too much to give it up. I'm just irritated. They can afford to travel all the time and go to cool places to run races....and I rarely can do that. I'm a single mom and what races I do get to do are very meaningful to me. But, I guess its easy to afford to do that when you don't have any children and don't want any.....like XWH, MOW, and XSIL... UGH.

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:39 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
WhatsRight
♀ 35417
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love racing and challenging myself

I think this ^^^^^ is the key. Run against yourself - not them.

Do not give them any power or place in this thing (running) that gives you so much pleasure!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
million pieces
♀ 27539
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get this. Running was my thing, not his and it has take me almost 4 yrs to get back into it. If I found out he had started running and heaven forbid beating me, I would be heading back to my IC

And what do you mean you will never run a 1:48!?!? Why not? I was beating my times until my most recent break. You are young, you have years to improve your time yearly!!!!


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been divorced for more than 2 years ...
Shelly, why are you reading XH's Facebook page?

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this ^^^^^ is the key. Run against yourself - not them.

Do not give them any power or place in this thing (running) that gives you so much pleasure

Thank you. I agree. I do run for my own personal goals and accomplishments and I will keep working on myself and just improving my own times. Actually, since having my daughter, I have had 3 PRs this year alone! In the 10k distance, 10 miler distance, and half marathon distance!

You really should only aim to beat your former self in races! Self-improvement and growing is what running is all about!

You've been divorced for more than 2 years ...
Shelly, why are you reading XH's Facebook page?

If you read my post closer you will see that I was on a "public runners group site" that hundreds of my fellow runners are a part of and happened across a conversation regarding MOW and XWH. My XWH doesn't have a Facebook page and MOW is blocked from my Facebook. I do not visit her page nor do I wish to. I live in a fairly tight running community and coming across posts that would involve them is not an uncommon thing. Its just something I have to come to terms with. That's all. I will. Its a work in progress for me but the panic attacks have stopped and have been replaced with more of an aggravation. Hopefully that will eventually subside into indifference. We can only hope!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:29 AM, October 25th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is really difficult to not let the idiots into your own personal headspace, especially when they put so much effort into getting in there.

Look, he didn't used to run, now he does. Have you thought that perhaps he is doing this to try to prove to you that he is better, awesomer, can do anything he wants, and try to show you up? Because if that is why he is doing it do you know how incredibly sad and pathetic that is? What a pitiful and pathetic life if his life revolves around sticking his tongue out at everyone he feels he needs to show up and prove his awesomeness to. And wow, how much POWER you have if he is doing this to try to prove to you how wonderful his life is now.

Just live your life. If you really like to run, then just do it. (Like the commercial says.lol) Do it, enjoy it, it isn't about competing with others, it is about bettering yourself, feeling good about yourself, and being proud of your own accomplishments. Who cares what he is doing, where he is, and who he is with? You don't. You aren't going to waste any of your precious life energy or beautiful brain cells on such a pathetic creature.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15409 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, I read your first post too quickly. I was wrong.

But I challenge you to go back and read all your visible SI post (20-30) and look for a CONNECTION to toxic people. Literally count how often you list
*xH
*xH's OW
*baby daddy
*your mother

I think it will shock the running shoes off you!

Good luck in your race this weekend!!!!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I challenge you to go back and read all your visible SI post (20-30) and look for a CONNECTION to toxic people. Literally count how often you list
*xH
*xH's OW
*baby daddy
*your mother

I know...I tend to only post when things bother me instead of posting about positive things but I've been getting better about it. It seems to be human nature to feel the need to talk more when bad things come to the surface rather than good things. I don't know why that is! I usually bring "those" people up because I know you all have experience with what I'm going through and I just am looking for a fresh perspective on the emotions that I'm experiencing in those moments. That's all. It actually would not shock me at all. I know me. I'm a very emotional person. It can be a curse sometimes.

BUT...I can proudly say that I haven't spoken to (in any form whatsoever) to baby's daddy since June 5th or my mother since the 1st week of August. I haven't conversed or responded to any communication my ex-husband has sent to me in over a year nor have I talked to MOW since before my divorce. I'm proud of that because they are toxic people and I've been getting really good at this whole NC thing! And, they have ALL tried to communicate with me (other than my mom who only talks to my sister now occasionally). But, I just have ignored them and give them crickets! That doesn't mean that they don't bother me sometimes or I don't have residual bullcrap built up over the things they did and so forth...but again...that's what IC is for and I've been in IC going on almost 2 years now! (proud of that too! )

Good luck in your race this weekend!!!!

And thank you!

Look, he didn't used to run, now he does. Have you thought that perhaps he is doing this to try to prove to you that he is better, awesomer, can do anything he wants, and try to show you up? Because if that is why he is doing it do you know how incredibly sad and pathetic that is? What a pitiful and pathetic life if his life revolves around sticking his tongue out at everyone he feels he needs to show up and prove his awesomeness to. And wow, how much POWER you have if he is doing this to try to prove to you how wonderful his life is now.

Just live your life. If you really like to run, then just do it. (Like the commercial says.lol) Do it, enjoy it, it isn't about competing with others, it is about bettering yourself, feeling good about yourself, and being proud of your own accomplishments. Who cares what he is doing, where he is, and who he is with? You don't. You aren't going to waste any of your precious life energy or beautiful brain cells on such a pathetic creature.

I love your way of thinking and this reminds me a lot of something my therapist said in IC. She said that she was AMAZED at how much effort XWH and MOW put into keeping track of me and what I do in running. She said she could tell that he isn't over me because of the angst he obviously carries towards me and MOW as well. She said that is very powerful and that I should just be content in knowing that I am living my own life and they are trying to ride my coattails so to speak..... so ignore them.

Its good advice and in the next year.....I will make an "early new year's resolution!" I plan to work on eliminating them from my mind....thoughts...and worries..... and make new powerful goals that will not only challenge me but make me happy and satisfied with where I am in my life, not only as a runner.... but as a mom...and a woman!! I'm gonna really REALLY try to LIVE..... I can do this. I know I can!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:51 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
hummingbird8
♀ 25086
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree with your IC. I think running is something they enjoy and you make their running more about you than it actually is. If you want to be irritated because he has a better time that's one thing but I would stop thinking they are giving any thought to you. If they were reading how much thought you put into them, what they are doing, how much they are racing would you be embarrassed? Indifference is what you need.

Posts: 511 | Registered: Aug 2009
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a simple solution. Block them on FB, then you won't be able to see their posts, even on a public fb page.

Shelly, I say this gently but you need to let this go. Live your own life. What they do/don't do really isn't anything to do with you or about you anymore. Maybe they are doing it to annoy you, if they are, you are letting them succeed!

If you love running then run for yourself and your passion. Otherwise it might be time to find a new outlet.

I know I am guilty of being a whinger too about my ex, sometimes it's so ingrained that we can't help it because we have been wronged in so many ways by our ex's. If I catch myself I will change the topic, move away from it. I don't need to be talking about my toxic ex. It kills me all the crap he does to my kids, but at the end of the day that is on him and their relationship in the future if any. There is nothing I can do to fix that. It's time to move forward and start your NB.

Please enjoy your new beginning instead of worrying about your ex's & OW are doing/saying etc.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 12:16 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We all know indifference is best (and can't be faked, it has to come on it's own) and we all know that not digging for info on our xWS is best, NC no new hurts lasts in perpetuity.

But I think some of you are being a bit hard on Shelly here because she CAN'T avoid xWH and MOW entirely and she CAN'T avoid overhearing conversations that take place about them because these two are IN HER PRIMARY HOBBY that from all appearances they joined partly to spite her.

I get it. My xWH and OW#umpteen are colleagues. In a small agency prone to gossip. There's getting away and then there's getting away and my version of getting away sadly includes those two still being quite present and there is not a goddamn thing I can do about it. It's the same for Shelly. She can ignore all she wants but how the fuck do you ignore when it's right in your fucking face?

I'm asking rudely, but I'm asking for real, b/c I don't have an answer.

But for Shelly, on this, girl you got all my feels. Because what you're experiencing drives me bats, it doesn't abate, I can't shake it, I can cover it up for a bit, but I can't shake it. And the people in IRL understand how I feel, but they don't have the same over the top reaction I do to any of it so there is a part of them that doesn't get it and thinks I'm a whiner and projecting doom that doesn't exist. But sadly, for me it does. They walk away from me and go back to their spouses and low stress relationships and I'm still left with the wreckage and my own feelings.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
tryingagain74
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's a hallmark of an XWS-- they suddenly find great interest in doing something they previously seemed to care very little about. I think it's because they are so unoriginal and thoughtless that they simply mirror what they've already seen or been taught. XWH now constantly does things with the kids that I consider "stealing" from me. When he heard from the kids that we have "movie night," he had to start doing movie night. When I would take them to a certain activity, suddenly he had to be there as well.

Whatever. It's a sign of a completely uncreative mind. Don't take it personally. If the OW dumps your ex, my money's on him dumping the running as well. He'll meet someone else, and if she's into skiing, he'll suddenly start acting like some sort of skiing aficionado. Mark my words.

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 3:49 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3644 | Registered: Oct 2011
Feeling Consumed
♀ 30592
Member # 30592
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's kind of along the same line as ex-hole taking hoW on vacation to the EXACT SAME PLACES that you went with them??? Seriously??? WTF?

I think tryingagain74 hit the nail on the head - they are definitely unoriginal.


Spent half my life with an Ahole
D final!!! 11-11

"Obladi oblada life goes on...."


Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Wisconsin
PhoenixRisen
35912
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

they are so unoriginal and thoughtless that they simply mirror what they've already seen or been taught

I agree with Trying. My ex does that weekly.

Shelly- just ignore. Focus on something/one new (your little bean, a new project, your Fall decor, etc) Are you back at dating after that one guy? Focus on YOU instead.

(also - he could also be lying about that time anyway)

[This message edited by PhoenixRisen at 9:30 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]


Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 16

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