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SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/25/2013 09:20 AM

these past couple weeks have been trying for me. I have been bouncing back and forth between epic rut and feeling good. Lots of stupid little triggers and blah-ness. and so it goes, right?!?!

This morning, my WH got up and made pancakes for everyone before school. We give the neighbor kid a ride, and he got to our house a little early, so my WH made him a pancake too.

When i came downstairs, the neighbor kid looked at me with a face full of pancake and said "what did he do?" I said "what do you mean?" he said "Mr SBS...what did he do?" My WH said "Like did i do something to get in trouble?" kid goes "Yeah, my step dad never cooks unless he is in trouble" I just said "Mr SBS likes to make pancakes for everyone. He's good at it, huh?!" The convo continued for a bit before everyone had to leave for school.

For most of the morning, that conversation has been forefront in my thoughts. It made me a little sad that the kid thought that.....that you have to be in trouble to do something nice for everyone. But it also brought me some joy in seeing a change in my WH...a simple act of kindness and selflessness that a little kid noticed.

It gives me pause to think that perhaps i have come to a place in my healing where it is time to begin looking forward to the future. To take a leap of faith and put some trust into the changes that WH is making and believe they are permanent. Being only 10 months out from DDay, i still have fear and reservations...i still find myself going to the dark sad place. But i am starting to feel as tho if i let myself continue to go there, then that is where i will stay. Part of me feels like i need to make a conscious choice to just move forward....but i'm scared to at the same time.

Am i jumping the gun here? how long before those of you in R took the leap and really turned face forward and marched toward the future, all in??

[This message edited by SorrowBhindSmile at 9:21 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

eachdayisvictory posted 10/25/2013 09:27 AM

No advice here, just commiseration. I am wondering about this balance too. At what point should we put all we can into moving forward for US and our fWSes? I find that I have some strategies and actions to take from my IC that allow me to work my way out of the pain before dragging my fWH into it with me, and I always wonder - is this right? Should I try to alleviate some of the hard stuff for us or should I still be laying it all out every second of every day no matter what?

I have exactly the same kinds of days as you described here; where we are happy and healthy and our 4 year old lies to us and my fWH gives him this deep, reflective speech about lies and what they do. It tells me that he gets it, so that's why I wonder the same as you; is it time for ME to put a push on moving my mind forward instead of the pain of the past.

I know this is generally a good idea, but it gets a little convoluded during this type of recovery. We are told that our questions need to be answered and our thoughts and feelings honoured, so how do we balance that in our work to be happy?

HardenMyHeart posted 10/25/2013 09:33 AM

Am i jumping the gun here? how long before those of you in R took the leap

You are not jumping the gun. I went through the same thought process as you and took the leap at 7 months out. I have no regrets.

It is fear that keeps you angry and stuck in the past. The best strategy for combatting fear is to face it head on.

morethantrying posted 10/25/2013 11:35 AM

I think when we are ready to take the leap we take it and not a moment sooner. Trust our own healing process we are all different and everything faster or slower is okay I think. That being said no on wants to linger in sadness grips any longer than necessary so try to let love rule more often.

blakesteele posted 10/25/2013 13:31 PM

Wonderful post! I don't have any advice for when to be all in and marching together, but you are moving in the right direction for sure....I just think it is wonderful that you had a good, peaceful family moment and that you recognize the good that is very much a part of your husband. I recognize that about my wife too.

Funny how kids conversation can get a grown adult so stimulated.

The other day our girls and I went out wife had to work. We stopped for lunch, were eating when my youngest said. "Is that Mommy?....oh, no, its not...I just thought it was."

All in one sentence.

I asked her which woman reminded her of Mommy. She pointed out a woman that kinda looked like my wife, she was eating with her husband. Then our youngest daughter said "Whew, I thought "If that was Mommy she has gotten a new boyfriend"".

I asked her what that would mean for me?

Her answer?

"It would be time for you to get a new girlfriend."

Pretty simply stated....not real emotion one way or the other...and she just went back to eating her lunch.

I thought to myself...a shame I was not strong enough to take that approach upon my pathetic I reacted to the news that my wife committed adultery.

I know, it is more complicted then that...but my reaction to my DD will forever be a source of shame for me.

I am hopeful that, God forbid, either of our daughters finds themself as a BS in their marriages...that they can hold onto their self worth better then I did. The self worth that they apparently already posses.

God have mercy on me for praying this prayer.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:35 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 10/25/2013 13:36 PM

It is fear that keeps you angry and stuck in the past. The best strategy for combatting fear is to face it head on.

Well said!

eachdayisvictory posted 10/25/2013 13:43 PM

Amen blakesteele!

A month or two ago our son asked who daddy's girlfriend was, which scared the shit out of both of us thinking he knew more than we thought, but he just started school this year and has been interested in this new type of relationship.

When we explained that I was his partner and asked why he was wondering, he said that he was Mommy's boyfriend, so he was wondering who daddy's girlfriend was.

His love can perform miracles for me. A four year old.

karmahappens posted 10/25/2013 17:46 PM

Hey Sorrow.

I don't think you are jumping the gun. When you are ready to go all in you do it.

It does not mean you have to rugsweep feelings going forward or that the pain of the A doesn't exist. It doesn't mean that your H now gets a free pass and things are back to normal.

It means you are ready to trust in the healing and the possibility that things can only get better. It means not retreating when you have a shit day and the A is everywhere you look. It means you know the two of you will be together while you fight the remaining demons of this life altering trauma.It means you know you can turn to your H when you are hurting for support and he can do the same.

It means you are saying yes to all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I think that's some pure awesomeness.

blakesteele posted 10/25/2013 19:11 PM

Great comments karmahappens!

LA44 posted 10/25/2013 21:48 PM

I like the pancake story. I can't recall when we went "all in"...maybe 6 or 7 months out? At the same time we still spoke about the A. It's not like it goes away. There is still pain. I cry every month.

But you said this...

Part of me feels like i need to make a conscious choice to just move forward....but i'm scared to at the same time.

You do need to make a conscience choice. AND, you can be scared at the same time. That's okay. These feelings can co-exist. But my H shows me every day that I will not regret R. And at some point moving forward starts to trump fear.

But stay conscience SBS. Stay in the now. It's so hard but when you are AWARE of your behavior, your actions, your spouses actions, your decisions get easier.

I have posted so much tonight. Time to call it a day.

Enjoy your next pancake day!

SorrowBhindSmile posted 10/28/2013 09:39 AM

Thank you all for your comments and sharing.

I think maybe what is so conflicting for me is that part of me feels like moving forward IS saying free pass for WH. I know logically that's not the case...but then again, there is nothing logical about an A!! There is nothing free pass about any of this. I have never seen my WH work so hard at anything. Every day there is some aftermath from the A that haunts him, or rears its ugly head. Every day he has to deal with some sort of fallout, be it a tiny thing or something big. And every day he faces it, head on. To me, thats not a free pass.

WOW...guess i just had to talk that one out with all of you to wrap my head around it!! I guess i just needed to know that i am headed down the right path....that these feelings are normal. Maybe i just needed "permission". LOL.

Thank you all for your support. Hugs to all of you!

karmahappens posted 10/28/2013 09:44 AM

part of me feels like moving forward IS saying free pass for WH

If he is truly sorry HE won't give himself a free pass. So don't worry about that.

But maybe you deserve one...

Enjoy, and good luck

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