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Chippednotbroken posted 10/25/2013 10:18 AM

I found out a few months ago. At first I wasn't sad just MAD. WH changed phone number, admitted (took a few days but fessed up). Some days I feel fine, like it never happened. Other times, like yesterday and today, I can't stop thinking about it and crying. I stayed but I can't help wondering if that is right. I feel like I would be happier gone. I'm still angry that he just gets to go on as if he did nothing. He still accuses me of cheating, he thinks i will have a retaliation affair. I've told him that was his thing not mine. I'm just so tired of the whole thing. I want to just start over as if he is a new guy with no history...he was a terrible person to me and I feel like that terrible person is just lurking around. He did most of the reconciliation but also some hiding, like asking me if I could just get over it-like now. The affair took a year! Can't I at least have a year to move on? Argh! My mind is everywhere. .

MovingUpward posted 10/25/2013 11:16 AM

You said he did most of the reconciling. What did he do?

I find it odd that he is accusing you of being in an affair. That sounds fishy to me like he is trying to put you on the defensive. It makes me wonder if he is trying to hide something.

Anyway back to your healing timeline. Keep working on the healing but don't be pressured to get over it. You won't be over it until you are healthy enough to be over it. If your WH wants to help that process along he needs to help and not undermine your healing by asking you to just get over it. That a pretty cold request.

As for what is right, staying or leaving. This is a personal choice that you can make. For some cheating is a dealbreaker so D is the only answer. Others want to R and if their WS is on board then R will be successful. Take your time and when you make a decision you will know if it is the right decision for you in the circumstances that you are in.

annb posted 10/25/2013 20:36 PM

Hi, welcome to SI, Chipped.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner. Chock full of great information, and knowledge is power.

I have just bumped up some other articles that are great for newbies, each has a target icon on the left-hand side.

The consensus here is that it takes 2-5 years to get *through* this trauma, and that with a truly remorseful, honest, transparent, and humble WS.

You cannot rugsweep his A, and as far as reconciliation goes, watch his actions, his words are basically worth nothing at this point until he can prove himself to be authentic and trustworthy.

Stick with us, there's a great bunch of people here who have walked in your shoes...your pain is our pain.


Chippednotbroken posted 10/27/2013 18:59 PM

Thanks Ann. I have read most of them. I unknowingly did the 180 but I think I did it because I did not have it in me to show the emotion. WH changed numbers, the communication with her was all texts. Cut off all ties with her. Quit the volunteer work he had been doing where he met her. Dropped communication with any mutual friends. Has stopped going out (not at my request) and if goes out, calls multiple times (no texts). But he also gets angry when I ask questions. A lot of what he told me doesn't add up. And yes a big part of his affair was accusing me, which of course makes me wonder if its leftover guilt or him still thinking about other women. in all truth I definitely have more opportunity. I still am surprised that he found away to have such an affair. And now he just gave me a few more answers. Just not sure how to not be so cold to him but I feel like he ripped out my heart and spit on it.

whattheh posted 10/28/2013 23:29 PM

My fWH accused me of cheating when he was cheating. I've read that can be a sign of cheating and they are projecting.

Your fWH needs to stop being angry when u ask questions. I think my fWH finally understands that I had to ask questions and repeat them over months to heal. But we had some battles and he got angry. But I finally got him to learn more about PTSD and explained that I need to hear the answers again and again as a form of reassurance. Otherwise my anxiety would take over and cause setbacks. In my case my anxiety would increase if he refused to answer because I felt his narrative would begin to unwind. My fear that he might be lying would increase. I needed him to repeat details and answers repeatedly over the last 9months so I could see consistency in his answers. My questions have lessened and he's pretty good about answering and reassuring me.

I found it helped to tell him how I felt when I asked the question so he could see what I was going thru on the inside. We have had no counselling and have muddled thru this on our own and we both made mistakes in how we handled things. But in hindsight we both know that he was mostly angry at himself and what he had done.

The book "how to help your spouse heal from an affair" helped my fWH better understand effective ways of helping and supporting me.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:40 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

SerJR posted 10/29/2013 14:24 PM

Hi there Chip,

Hmm... it sounds like he is putting some of the right actions in place, but his anger worries me. It sounds kinda like he's following a procedure, but doesn't really understand what/why he's doing. At this point it sounds like he's sorry he's been caught, but resentful. You need more than that from him for reconciliation to be successful.

It is normal for WS's to want to take the easy way out and not do some of the work on themselves. All you can do is to stick up for what your needs are and focus on your own healing.

dontknowwhyme posted 10/29/2013 14:35 PM

I found out a few months ago.

But he also gets angry when I ask questions.

At a few months out I can completely understand you still needing to ask questions. The fact he gets angry tells me he does not get it. I'm sure in your mind his affair is like a puzzle you are trying to piece together. If you do not have all the puzzle pieces then you will never get the whole picture. Seeing the whole picture to a lot of BS's is a big part of moving forward in their healing.

[This message edited by dontknowwhyme at 2:35 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Chippednotbroken posted 10/29/2013 16:43 PM

Exactly don'tknowwhyme. It's almost like a scary movie where the imagination is worse than what is on the screen. He doesn't get that. He has started giving details when I ask but I can tell he would prefer that I just give up and pretend it didnt happen. Which is ridiculous.

dontknowwhyme posted 10/30/2013 10:57 AM

Maybe the Joseph letter can help.

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