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hgentry90 posted 10/25/2013 11:40 AM

About 3 months ago my husband started talking to local attractive women on a social networking app. I of course got upset because I felt I was not enough and suspected he was wanting to have an affair. He promised that was not the intention and says he won't do it again.
About a month ago I come home from work and he has open browsers on my laptop, naturally I look at them. It is his personal email and craigslist searches. He posted looking for a nsa relationship because he is in a miserable/failing marriage. In his email he had responses to his post and the women were sending nude photos and he was sending penis pics. He asked for their phone numbers and when/where they could meet. I was devastated. I automatically confronted him. His excuse was I don't give him enough attention/affection. We have two young children 1.5yrs and 4yrs, I also have some health problems so yes I was not there for him as much as I should have been, but that is NO excuse to look elsewhere. He again promised to stop and that he loved me. I grew up in a broken home so I did not want to separate unless there was no hope for us. We went to marriage counseling and began to work through it.
2-3 weeks later he told me he had to go into work early, this was strange to me as he had never had to do this before, but I was trying to trust him so I was okay with it. I later found out he had downloaded a social app and went to a married woman's house at 3am because her husband was going away for a week and she needed comforting. Her husband came home and found them sitting on their bed and his shoes were off. The husband assumed an affair and started screaming at her saying he would divorce her. My husband grabbed his shoes and left. Later that day I still had no knowledge of what was going on and I was making his favorite meal for dinner and trying to have a romantic night with him. He received a negative counseling from work that day and found out that the woman's husband is pressing charges for adultery since they are both military. My husband felt his life was ruined by all this and drove his car into a cement pillar trying to kill himself. He totaled the car, broke his femur, ankle, and talus bone. He spent 11 days in the hospital and was sent home for me to care for him.
While he was in the hospital he constantly asked us to go find his cell phone and he would often get angry if I wasn't making an effort to get it. His mother felt that he just wanted it so that he could contact us and not feel so alone. So his mother bought him a new phone and told him that I am to know the password and he is not to go looking for other women, he agreed. The night after he got the new phone I was sitting with him in the hospital and he had gotten the new iPhone 5c and I wanted to check it out so I gave him my phone and picked up his. He quickly gave back mine and didn't want me to look at his. I took mine and sat back away from his reach and unlocked his phone. The first thing the screen went to is a conversation between him and a woman named Laura. They were flirtatious and suggestive messages. He tried to tell me it was a friend from back home and they were just joking. I looked at the contact info, it was a local phone number so now he has lied to my face. I sent myself and his mother the messages and I sent myself her contact info. He tried telling me he did it because his parents had told him I was being lazy and doing nothing around the house. Sorry but that is a traumatic time and I deal with my emotions by isolating myself. He almost ruined my relationship with his parents to try and save his ass. I later found out all his parents had said was that I was very distant and sad and that they were worried...
Now he is home with me and I don't know if I can or should trust him or if I should just call this marriage a lost cause.

fourever posted 10/25/2013 11:54 AM

Personal opinion:
Selfish, weak POS frankly. Safety belt on or off? Poor him.

Your husband needs a very big dose of "here's reality".
Sounds like a master manipulator. Since he now will likely have to have mandatory IC, which is good, You need to get some too.

You have a situation that I may being too harsh on, but nonetheless, my initial reaction.
Is he mentally unstable? Or a manipulator? I have no idea, but I urge you to do everything you can to find out.

At a minimum, he has no boundaries & lies in a pathological way. Not a good situation.

Set your rules now. And protect yourself financially. Go see a lawyer, just in case. You don't have to file, but do know your rights.

And please, get tested for STD's, and insist he does as well. I think he's lying & manipulating you.

I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))

painfulpast posted 10/25/2013 11:56 AM

I sent myself and his mother the messages and I sent myself her contact info.

His mother? That seems strange.

He tried telling me he did it because his parents had told him I was being lazy and doing nothing around the house.

What?

Forgive me, but your H is in need of some serious help. He won’t stop cheating, and he isn’t even really trying to hide it.

Also, not my business, but his parents are awfully involved in your life. That first quote seems like you were telling him mommy on him for being bad. You are his wife, and you should both be acting like adults, not telling mommy and daddy when things aren’t right. This all seems very unhealthy. Your H is acting like a spoiled child, and it’s probably because his parents are so involved in everything he does.

You need to decide what is your final push to leave. He’s done this repeatedly, and was trying to meet up with local women. My guess is he’a actually already done so but wasn’t caught. I doubt he went from 0 to 160 in one shot. And driving into a bridge? He’s an unstable individual and probably needs some serious psychiatric help.

I feel very sorry for you to be so wrapped up in all of this. He’s a grown man that is tied to his mommy’s apron, and he’s so spoiled he tried to say that he would cheat if you didn’t take care of the house. ARE YOU KIDDING???

I don’t think he’s mature enough to be married, to be quite honest. I’m sorry – I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but he isn’t going to just stop. You’ve caught him repeatedly, and he just keeps doing it. He’s completely selfish and self serving.

So, is there a point where you leave? If so, what is that point?

EDIT: And everything that Fourever said as well

[This message edited by painfulpast at 11:57 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

cliffside posted 10/25/2013 12:12 PM

I think he needs to go to Mommy's house and let her nurse him back to health. YOU deserve some time to yourself so you can figure out what you're going to do.

hgentry90 posted 10/25/2013 12:15 PM

He was not wearing a seat belt and sent myself, his parents, and sister a farewell message and then shut off his phone.

I told his mom about the messages because she purchased the new phone and was home with our kids. I was ready to shut off his phone, but I felt since she purchased it, that it should be her decision. That is why she was notified.

I see a therapist weekly and the Army is making him see someone but only about twice a month. I believe he should be going weekly also.

[This message edited by hgentry90 at 12:17 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 10/25/2013 12:24 PM

Wow. BIG huge hugs to you.

I think he needs to go to Mommy's house and let her nurse him back to health. YOU deserve some time to yourself so you can figure out what you're going to do.

I agree. He tried to end his life with no regard, which shows that he has no regard for your life either. Please be careful.

2x a month IC after a suicide attempt? Not cool. He should be, IMO, in an inpatient facility.

Oh sweetie I echo everyone's sentiments on here so I won't belabor the advice by repeating it.

Please take care of YOU. Post often. If the advice seems harsh, please know it's because we care very much.

Sending strength & more hugs,

Lala

tushnurse posted 10/25/2013 12:32 PM

Sweetie, this is going to seem harsh, and probably isn't what you want to hear, however I think it's what's best for you and your kids to hear now, and act upon.

Send him to his mothers. Let Mommy take care of him. He has done nothing to show he has any intrest in being a good husband and father. He acted in an extremely impulsive, and selfish manner. When he was caught. Then if I get this right, while he was still in the hospital was already engaging in the same behaviors that landed him there?

Does this sound like a good husband to you?
What would your Mother, Best Friend or YOU as a mother say to someone that was in this situation?
Do you honestly think it's better to be with him, and live in total dysfunction showing your kids that it's acceptable to have a marriage where one partner is a serial cheater, and the other a doormat, carrying the burden of his needs and blame?
Your the mother of small children, and have some illness yourself, and he blames you that he isn't getting enough love and attention at home? He is manipulating you. Do not allow him to do this. Pack his shit, send him to mommy, go see an attorney, and file for D. Show your kids how a strong woman demands the respect she deserves, and if she doesn't get it, chooses to be independent rather than having their self esteem destroyed by someone who claims to love them.

Your H is NPD at a minimum, and he has to want to change for you to even have a hope of R. You have to put you and your kids first. He certainly won't.

((((and strength))))

doggiediva posted 10/25/2013 13:00 PM

Grrr...Nursing a lying cheating WS back to health has to be demoralizing to say the least..
You might be tired of reading this already but I would also kick him out to go live at his mom's house..
IMHO I also think he should be in an inpatient facility..
See a lawyer immediately to protect yourself and kiddos legally/financially/physically..
You are dealing with a loaded gun here...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:04 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

LMomof2 posted 10/25/2013 13:14 PM

From Tushnurse - He is manipulating you. Do not allow him to do this. Pack his shit, send him to mommy, go see an attorney, and file for D. Show your kids how a strong woman demands the respect she deserves, and if she doesn't get it, chooses to be independent rather than having their self esteem destroyed by someone who claims to love them.

Listen to tushnurse..very wise comment which is helping me, too

[This message edited by LMomof2 at 1:15 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 10/25/2013 13:15 PM

Yeah, sorry if this is harsh, but what a selfish ass. You need to focus on you and your kids. You have the situation like I do where we aren't allowed to break down since someone has to keep it together for the kids. Your WH has some serious issues that you can't fix and shouldn't be a part of. My advice is to run. Kick him out and protect yourself, legally, financially, emotionally, and get yourself tested. You can do this..

ETA: I would almost want mommy to refuse to take him as well. This guy needs to hit rock bottom and learn that his antics aren't going to keep working with you. He can't keep suckering people in to pity him. He's a big boy now and needs to learn from his mistakes.

The frustrating part of dealing with an NPD is that they seem to have this charm over new people to get what they want. And then they have no remorse when they use and abuse the people that helped them and simply move onto the next person when they are outed as the soulless emotional vampire they are.

For real, show your kids this isn't how you treat a woman, and that you don't have to enable anyone who constantly hurts you. You deserve so much better than this guy, and the sooner you detach from him, the sooner you will heal.

Hugs..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 1:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

lieshurt posted 10/25/2013 13:24 PM

I think he needs to go to Mommy's house and let her nurse him back to health. YOU deserve some time to yourself so you can figure out what you're going to do

^^^^This.

There isn't a chance in hell I'd be taking care of him at this point.

Skan posted 10/25/2013 13:39 PM

I am so sorry. This is just an incredible load for you to bear. An immensely unfair load.

You do need to protect yourself and your children. Unfortunately, it is obvious that your WH is incapable of being your families protector. Please do see a lawyer and find out what you are entitled to. And I would chime in that you should not be the person taking care of WH. He essentially has fired you from that job. He shows no remorse for what he's put you through. The only thing he has shown is regret for being caught and the only person he has been concerned for during this entire chaotic mess is himself. He doesn't have you or your children's best interests at heart. He needs to go elsewhere so that his dysfunction is not in your house any more.

I do agree with you that he should be going to weekly therapy, not 2x a month. Although if he doesn't have any intention of cooperating with his therapist, then it really doesn't matter.

Please come back often for support and to vent. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

momentintime posted 10/25/2013 13:41 PM

He doesn't want to stop. He is addicted to the attention of these other women. Blaming you is shameful, don't accept his excuses. He chose to do this, going outside your M. He lies to you and is sneaky.

I agree let him go to his mom's. You need a break. Understand he is very broken and you can't fix him. He has to want to change, and currently he would rather run into a pillar than face his actions.

AlexFL posted 10/25/2013 13:45 PM

Leave!

painfulpast posted 10/25/2013 13:53 PM

NPD people usually don't attempt suicide, so I'm not really in favor of slapping that label on him just because he's a selfish thoughtless ass.

Otherwise, I totally agree with everyone else - let him go and work on you.

Simple posted 10/25/2013 14:01 PM

To Hgentry,

I'm sorry you're in this situation. You sound like a strong woman who wants what's best for her family. Although it's wonderful that you are willing to toughen up and make your family work, please realize that reconciliation requires 2 people. Reconciliation works if the motivations behind it is solid. I think the reasons you've specified as to why you want to R is not a solid motivation. IMO. Please read the postings here on 180. You don't have to make a decision to R or D right now. But you do need to do 180 for your own sanity.

Hugs your way.

---
This is a 2x4 from some of the posters here:

Whether or not the parents are involved is moot at this point because THEY ARE involved. It looks to me like the parents care a lot about the marriage. They are friends of the marriage and I remember making a decision that if I ever divorce my XWH, I will continue to keep in touch with my in-laws because they are great people and they love the grandchildren. I will never take that away from them. It is NOT NOT NOT NOT! their fault that their son is being an A-hole cheater right now. Let's please not blame his parents. Let's put the blame entirely on our cheaters. There's no way in this situation based on what she said that the parents are enabler. I give full kudos to MIL for watching the kids and giving the new phone and telling her son not to see other women. There are many MIL out there, like my mother's MIL, who will deny the cheating and condone it. Let's not crucify her please.

---

Secrets Kept posted 10/25/2013 15:38 PM

I have to agree with "Simple" about his parents. First let me just say that I know some parents end up just being enablers & not helping in a constructive way.

Your husband sounds a lot like my deceased WXH. An immature manipulator who does the suicide attempt not BECAUSE of his affairs or actions but to draw attention away from it/them.

May I ask your ages?

Also, I have 2 adult sons, ages 28 & 22. While I don't have control or even really interfere in their lives, I do still have enough of their respect that I would still be enough of an influence with them to hold some sway in that type of issue.

I would not want to become an interference or referee in the situation, but I could & would take that son aside, sit & talk with him & basically rip him a new one, so to speak.

My 22 year old lived out of state recently & ended up losing a great job there. Moved in with his GF's family & became a total bum for approx 2 years. They kicked him out so I bought him a bus tkt to get home but he knew w/o even asking that being a bum wasn't allowed at home & he had a job within a month of returning with no pressure or input from me at all. Had to give him a 6 week "move-out" date after 8 months, which he thought was awful, but he got an apartment 2 weeks ago & his deadline wasn't until Halloween.

So to quit my TJ now (sorry) I just wanted to say that if a parent raised them right, the WS doesn't want the shame & disappointment from their parents either so the parents can help out in these situations.....to an extent & as long as it is minor & the "right" kind of help.

It sounds like his Mom is that type of parent.....as long as the phone buying thing isn't her usual way.

2 other quick things....
1.) Where is his old phone? There is probably a LOT of answers (& hurt/pain) in it you could find.

2.) Since he is military, can't they put him up in the barracks if you temporarily split?

Not sure how that works but I do agree his Mom shouldn't take him in. He needs to be made to do it on his own & even if she means well, there would be more impact on him to have to be a man & be forced to deal with it like a big boy.

Hugs to you. I know you are hurtin'.

doggiediva posted 10/25/2013 16:56 PM

After reading the the remainder of this thread I would have to agree..If one of my sons had cheated or was cheated on in an M, I would be reluctant to take him in to live with me for more than a short while... He could stay with me until a more permanent living solution could be found..No bumming off of me... I expect grown kids to be self sufficient or to be working hard and be making solid progress toward that goal.And just because I am the mom, doesn't mean I AUTOMATICALLY get the task of nursing a fully grown son/daughter back to health.. I have my own life and I would expect some appreciation and respect/gratitude if I were to take on such a task.I didn't see any info but maybe this WH's parents work full time..
I think it is up to the WH himself not to take his newly betrayed wife or parents for granted... He needs to solve his own problems which include his own nursing care required and housing for the immediate future..
So 2x4 well taken and appreciated...

((((hgentry)))))
Do you have any family or anybody IRL who could help you and support you?
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT your WH cheated and behaved the way he did..
It is a normal consequence of a mom with small kids and a health problem that she is spread thin and thus hubby may feel a little left out in the mix..Any normal minded loving husband would get creative in problem solving so that life for him and his family would get better...Only an idiot would blame his wife for his problems and cheat on her ....

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

fourever posted 10/25/2013 17:15 PM

I would think that you also have some power in this point.

Are you sure he's safe with the kids?

If you are not sure, or have any doubt at all, insist via attorney that he's never alone with them.

I have never made this statement here, but I really feel this here in your situation.

hgentry90 posted 10/25/2013 19:19 PM

We are very young. 23 years old, been married 4 years, best friends (so I thought) for 4 years before we married. I thought I knew this man very well.
I do not blame his mother at all. She is like a mother to me and I feel the same about his father. I have already told them if we don't make it that I will not keep the kids from them. They are wonderful people and great grand parents.
We are in Georgia because of the military. We are from California and that is where all of our family is. If I was closer to home I would already be staying with my grandmother and the kids would be with me. Right now my 4 year old is in CA with MIL because he does not need to be around this. The hardest decision I have made was to allow him to go to CA with my MIL, I know he is in great hands, but I have never been away from him. He would have been very sad here because we are fighting a lot and he is old enough to remember it so I let him go for a short time while I work through this.