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Divorce Reality is a b*tch

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sleepless34 posted 10/25/2013 12:21 PM

This was a pretty bad week for me. I was feeling good at the beginning of the week, like I am holding the cards and I am stronger and I have a good chance to get what I want given Mr. Integrity is such a huge coward.

I had an appointment with my attorney on Wednesday. On Tuesday, I wrote out an outline of what I wanted to discuss, mainly strategy, timing, etc for what I want to get re custody, finances, etc. I spent a lot of time writing out my rationale for my position as back up. I was feeling pretty good.

I was hoping to bang through all my questions because they are quite busy there, and I wanted to keep in under one hour because this is not cheap.

So, two hours and $600 later, I had a pretty non productive meeting that turned into probably the most expensive therapy session ever.

She gave me tough love, again. She told me the truth. Yea. She told me the strategy is to wait it out, slow it down, grieve, get healed so you can approach this like a non-emotional business deal because the legal system isn't going to consider what a shitty thing this bastard has done to you, they don't care, non of my "ammunition" really matters here in this state. She said divorce court is not the place to get justice, it is not fair, it totally sucks, and she doesn't really think I am ready to make the decisions I need to make yet.

I brought up all my concerns and ammunition, and she played devils advocate with me...

50/50 custody would not be good option for my family. Especially the dreaded, yet popular with judges, 5-2-2-5 plan. My poor kids would hate it, shuttling back and forth, being away from mom 5 days in a row would be HELL. I had shit communication with Mr. Integrity before, and this freak show of a plan would be a nightmare unless you were totally amiable.

Drug testing? maybe to scare him, but not to really impact custody all that much.

Psychological testing? maybe will scare him but unless he is diagnosed with something MAJOR, it won't matter.

The fact he travels and has a sales job and could never help with kids before? doesn't matter, the judge will say just because he didn't before doesn't mean he can't now.

Being into swinging and open marriage and other Lifestyle/morality issues that may impact parenting of two young girls? Doesn't matter as long as he isn't having a three way right in front of them.

If I contributed more financially to the marriage over the years and this divorce is going to break us and it is his fault do I get compensated in some way? No, doesn't matter and she said, "you can thank Gloria"

Alimony? A big maybe! Even though I gave up my career to stay home and support his career and my family, given my salary and work history, they may actually penalize me for not trying to go back to work already (3 months out of d day) and I may get nothing, but won't know it for another 6-9 months when it would be pretty detrimental...

What the HELL!!!!!! It was so depressing. I know I asked for the meeting, I was anxious, there is nothing I really need to do right now, we don't even have a pre-trial intial hearing yet. I know she told me the truth, the reality, so I am not wasting more money chasing a bunch of bullshit...but GEEZ this SUCKS.

It boils down to this, in a no fault, community property state a trial is not going to end well for me getting what I want. This, of course, is not fair, but it is what it is. I asked her why does anyone even need lawyers negotiate on your behalf she says, to get you the best package your going to get.

This F*ING SUCKS. I have a nuclear option and I really hope I won't have to use it, but man, they aren't leaving me many options...

MovingUpward posted 10/25/2013 12:23 PM


cmego posted 10/25/2013 12:58 PM

Yup, it sucks. The court system doesn't really play "favorites" unless you are in a fault state, and even then it sucks.

What your A told you is spot on, and my A told me pretty much the same thing.

I ended up negotiating a good settlement with ex in mediation...but we are in a fault state and I had plenty of ammunition against him.

Just hang in there.

jo2love posted 10/25/2013 13:02 PM


Nature_Girl posted 10/25/2013 13:10 PM

This is when I sashay over to you and welcome you to Hell. 'Cuz you've officially just crash landed. I'm so sorry.

Our culture likes to lament at how "easy" it is to get divorced. What utter bullshit. Anyone who says it's too easy to get divorced has clearly not gone through the divorce process.

tryingagain74 posted 10/25/2013 15:00 PM

I don't know what state you're in, but our mediation attorney said that the courts typically like the kids to spend more of the time with the person who was the primary caretaker originally (for the purposes of stability), so since I was a SAHM and then worked very part-time when our D was going down, I became the primary physical custodian.

Granted, I didn't have a then-STBX who wanted to fight me on it. Perhaps if he had pushed for 50/50, that's what would have happened (even after a court battle). Maybe you could ask your L if that has any weight in your similar circumstances.

I'm so sorry, sleepless. I hope that what actually happens is more fair than what you've been told. The BSs really get dragged in the mud; my family thought I was swindled in the D, and my outcome wasn't nearly as bad as many who are on here. (((sleepless)))

[This message edited by tryingagain74 at 3:01 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Thefly559 posted 10/25/2013 20:16 PM

I am in a no fault state also and yes it is shitty for everyone , but I have been through other trials in the past and now divorce and one thing is the same in all of them. That is that the lawyers and judges try to intimidate and use scare tactics. Ignore them ! let them work for you! have a goal and stay focused , it is a chess game now . I too am emotionally involved and my lawyer told me the same , to leave the emotion out . I told him the opposite , that he should put the emotion into it! pretend it was his kids and money he was fighting for ! act like you would if you caught your wife in a hotel at 2am and the next day she had you removed from your home with no remorse!!!!! then I told him to go home and watch the movie A Time To Kill with Mathew Mconaghy. He won the case because he put emotion into it! So my point is that you should fight for what you want and deserve as hard as you can ,as long as you can, because you will not get another chance at this. Remember you are the customer and the lawyer works for you. Stay strong and all the best!!!

million pieces posted 10/25/2013 20:17 PM

That is exactly what happened to me in MD. Love no-fault, 50/50 divorces!

SBB posted 10/25/2013 20:34 PM

My L gave me a 'worst case' scenario - I remember being shocked too.

I made decisions based on lies he told me. I had children I cannot afford on my own.

He defrauded me and I have no recourse.

During first S the sad clown gloated that all he had to give me of his $250k+ salary was $8k per year.

As it turns out he dragged it out as long as possible and it has ended up that worst case scenario. I spent $50k to get $50k - he did too. He can make it up within 1-2 years. I can not.

It is grossly unfair but I cannot change it so I am trying to accept it. This and the way he is fucking up my girls are the two issues which could make me bitter. I am trying to avoid that - I sometimes succeed.

Violated posted 10/26/2013 02:23 AM

Ask for everything you can think of, the worst that can happen is you won't get all of it!
My lawyer made me think I couldn't do any better, I wish I would have spent the 10K to go to trial.

lifestoshort posted 10/26/2013 10:39 AM

there are some lawyers that dont like to fight and some that want o do everything to fight to keep it going for the money OR just to win.
I like the person who wants to fight but not to drain me of every cent.
I could never agree to someone to who was passive. I know I would lose!

as far as custody, I think its best to do a week on and a week off. doing 5/2/2 or whatever the heck people do is a dam mess. kids are constantly going back and forth and its too much. they are NOT pets. now if a parent is not available or doesnt want much time, then why not do just 2 days a week like Wed and sunday?

also to save money, dont go into a meeting with a million questions when you may be able to answer a few things online or at least clarify a tad. research and do some work. it makes you feel more in control by knowing things and less scared of the unknown.

Abbondad posted 10/26/2013 13:03 PM

I know, Sleepless. I'm just getting a taste of this myself, and it's easy to feel like just sinking into the earth in despair. I am trying to look at it one document at a time, one strategy at a time, but your're right. No matter how we frame it, it sucks. It's awful. It's traumatic.

But everyone seems to get through it. Scars remain, but it will be in the past, and we will emerge toughened by pain.

Psychological testing? maybe will scare him but unless he is diagnosed with something MAJOR, it won't matter.

This is what my attorney is leaning towards as well, since my STBXWW is alleging mental incapacity on MY part (outrageously). Does anyone have any experiences with or thoughts on this?

(Don't mean to highjack your thread, Sleepless; I'm hoping someone can help us both with this.)

Nature_Girl posted 10/26/2013 14:04 PM

A thorough parenting eval was part of my divorce, including psychological testing.

Thefly559 posted 10/26/2013 14:51 PM

We are in middle of it now. It cost me 8000 bucks. Since I am court ordered to pay 95 percent of court costs!

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