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Newest Member: Hopeless07 (61511)

User Topic: I went on a date and shouldn't have
♀ 40564
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here to tell you how right you all are.

Quickly: he left at the beginning of June 2013. Dday was a couple weeks later. I'm early-mid 30's, six years together, not married, planning our wedding for next year.

I was devistated. If I'm honest, I still am.

I went out with someone last night. He was interesting and kind, tall and nice eyes. Nothing to put on the "worst dates" thread. But I cried the whole way home, and dreamed that my ex wanted to come home to me, and I was so happy, and so devastated when I awoke. I've been crying throughout the morning.

You all are right when you tell us that we should wait. I should've waited. Anyway, not sure what I want anyone to say. Maybe, I want you to tell me that I won't be this way forever. I feel like someone else (OW, to be specific) took my life and is now living it with the person I most want to be with. I'm terrified about the future. Maybe just tell me it will be ok if I give myself time and healing. Just need some positivity --- thanks.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 13515
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I dont know what to say other than I feel just like you do...thus my fear of dating just yet. HUGS!

Posts: 1139 | Registered: Feb 2007
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It won't be that way forever. I did the same thing and luckily I ended up with a decent friend out of it but it does get better. I am currently working on being okay by myself again. It takes some time but it does get easier and keep working on you and doing things you like to do. Your heart DOES eventually catch up with your head.

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2211 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ 39362
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get it, I'm not ready to date either. I think it's ok your date brought up some emotions for you. It gives you the chance to release and heal some more pieces.

Hang in there and be kind and loving to yourself. Allow yourself to be exactly where you are.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 415 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was devistated. If I'm honest, I still am.

Of course you are - it was FOUR months ago. ((Artemisia)) You experienced a huge trauma and it takes time to heal - give yourself that time.

It's been almost three years for me and I'm SO much better than I was, but there are still some tough days.

So, now you know you shouldn't date for awhile. Now what? Are you in IC? What are you doing for you?

And I know exactly what you mean about your life being stolen and the WS just moving on with the AP. It adds an extra level of crazy to the whole thing. (Someone had a good term for it but I can't recall it right now).

Yes, it does get better, but it is a rollercoaster for a while that eventually starts to even out.


Me: BW-46
Him: XWH-46

Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.

Posts: 5287 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 18437
Member # 18437
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will be ok, I promise. Give yourself time to heal. It's natural to want to try to make ourselves feel better by going out with someone new, but sometimes it makes us hurt worse. Time will heal you. I'm 6 years out and very happy. I haven't found "the one" yet, but I am definitely over my ex. Even to the point where I don't hate him anymore. You will get there. Be extra kind to yourself. Big hugs to you

Me - BS 42
Kids 12 and 9

Posts: 1846 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: NY
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will be ok! Give yourself some time. There is no rush. Just because your ex seems to be living the perfect life doesn't mean he is and shows what a broken person he is. Try not to dwell on this it just hurts more.

I am 2 years out haven't dated and no plans to in the immediate future. It does get better I promise it won't always hurt as much as it does right now.

I have forgiven my ex and we are now at a point where I can actually tolerate a conversation with him about the kids. I don't hate him, I actually feel sorry for him that he is truly so messed up he can't even see it. Everyone else can though. Trust me his life isn't so shiny as it appears to be

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 8:21 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Me: BW

Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.

Life's good.

Posts: 1530 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes its too early ok. But ask yourself why are you so upset? You had a nice time, your boundaries were firm and respected. Not ready, that's ok too. No harm done.

Posts: 4809 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It will be okay!!!!! It will. You have been on a date. You accomplished it, survived it. So next time, when you are more ready, it won't be the first one.

I was a basket case on the first date post divorce. Hyperventilated. Talked too much, too fast, high pitch voice... squeaky probably. I feel bad for the guy.

I was "the first date" for a guy who jumped in too early. It happens. At some point you will relax and dating will become something you do and the should/shouldn't aspect won't figure into it at all.

It will be okay. You are still grieving. Be kind to yourself.

Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

read my post I know exactly how you feel. I am sorry

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
♂ 40643
Member # 40643
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Artemisia)) I have had those dreams as well. Even woke up when I could swear I felt her laying beside me. These are all things that our tramatized mind are working through. Let them flow through you and then let them go. You now know it is too soon to date and better now than 3 months into a new relationship where now you have to hurt someone by telling them you weren't ready. I am so where you are right now, not ready to date, and we should learn to be good as single peeps before venturing out in the dating world. Just know that you are not alone and others can help you on your journey.

[This message edited by UnAware43 at 4:41 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

Me: BH 43
Her: STBXW 41
Married 20yrs together 22yrs
Had a one year affair(#3) with a poser 10yrs younger and left on DDay. No contact with her since.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Indiana
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40247 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ 30803
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It's okay. You're going to be okay, I promise. Please don't be afraid. You will be happy again. You've been through an awful lot. You need time to heal. Please be kind to yourself.

You. will. be. happy. again.

Divorced and happy.

Posts: 531 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here
♀ 40564
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A million thanks to all of you. I just need to hear this stuff on repeat.

The date really sent me down a bad spiral. For the first time in months I felt an almost (key word!) uncontrollable urge to contact my ex. I'm trying to pull out of the tailspin. Thanks you all.

Oh, and thanks for asking persevere. I'm in IC, oh boy am I in IC. Group therapy too, which I love.

But so much in my life has been "splattered on" (read that on SI and loved it). The ex and I had a lot in common - what we liked to do, when, and where - which was one of the things that made it such a solid partnership in my mind. Now some things that I used to love I don't feel like I love anymore, and I am still working on getting beyond that.

[This message edited by Artemisia at 6:52 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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