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I've lost all hope

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Hatingthis247 posted 10/25/2013 13:53 PM

I might try to slim this down soon to make it easier for all readers to get through, but for now this is my whole miserable story.

My first real suspicion that she could actually be the kind of person that would have another emotional relationship, other than our own, came to me on my 30th birthday. Thatís a big one, one of those rare milestones, a big step in the history that will be your life after youíre gone. Iím not a religious person. I believe we get one chance to do the best with the time we have in our life. The woman I committed myself to, the one I wanted to help me make the best of my time in this life with, was laying alone in our bedroom, texting someone. The strangest thing about that at the time is that she was smiling and giggling out loud, while my daughter and I were 6ft away in the living room chair watching TV. She text a lot, and has a lot of friends and family she regularly communicates with. So at the time I suppose it didnít seem that strange. What really had me feeling suspicious was a reaction to something my co-worker told me about his relationship. He told me he saw some messages on his girlfriendís phone, and had decided to install software to monitor her calls and text, more software on her computer to track her browser history and log her keystrokes. At the time I was actually talking to other co-workers about how crazy he sounded. Why would you ever be with anyone you canít trust enough to feel the need to spy on their personal lives? We all agreed that the relationship was over. He should just cut ties and move on. They didnít have kids together, werenít married.

That same week I started paying more attention to how much time she spent on her phone and computer. It was as much time as I spend playing video games. Several of the 24 hours in a day were spent on Facebook and Pintrest. I am a night owl, and get my gaming done after our daughter goes to sleep; she was spending serious time during the family day being social. Iíve never been close to anything like that. Iím a pretty private guy and have a small circle of the best friends you could ever hope to have. Thatís enough for me. I donít want everyone I know, or even meet for a relatively short period of time, to be connected with me and learn about my life by being ďfriendsĒ online.

It was the following night, and she was passed out on the couch when I came downstairs from my hours of gaming. This happened often. She wanted me to spend time with her but I rarely ever did. I was neglecting the mother of my child, taking her for granted, treating her badly, and hardly ever even trying to please her sexually. Now this is an interesting thing to deal with, because on one hand you could say I drove her into the arms of another man. It honestly does sound like that to me. The other view point is that no amount of relationship problems excuses the ultimate betrayal of oneís trust. That is also very easy on the ears. Itís not like the way I was making her unhappy were the only problems. There are of course two sides to every story. I was quite unhappy myself. I wouldnít have not been interested in spending time with her had I been passionately enjoying our time together. I had a lot of issues with the kind of person she was. I have spoken to half a handful about my issues, her being one of them. I will not go into those issues here because I believe they are for her and me, and those we feel the most trust for only. Thatís the way I generally feel about everything between her and I. Itís our business and no one elseís. Very early on in the relationship, and several times repeated throughout, Iíve explained this to her, and asked her to keep it that way. I specifically told her that I donít talk to my friends about every little thing that happens and I would like for her to do the same. Turns out she absolutely never took that seriously even after assuring me several times that she doesnít and wouldnít.

So Iím kind of paranoid. The stuff my coworker was telling me got me thinking about what she talks about to these people all the time. Watching her leave the family to go lay in the bed and text someone just got to me. The night of my 30th birthday. When I found her sleeping on the couch the next night I saw her phone sitting there and my curiosity got the best of me. I did something Iíll always feel bad about that night and snooped. The reason I will always feel bad about it is partly because I never thought of myself as that kind of person that would get so caught up in some paranoid idea enough to sneak into someoneís private life, and then also because it was a blast to my heart that I will never fully heal from. I saw a few messages and my heart started pounding. There was even a picture sent to him of herself in the bath tub she took that night. Adrenaline started pumping. There is simply no way to describe it. I took her phone upstairs with me and wrote down the entire text conversation.

WS wanna meet me in the med room? ;)
OM :)
WS Idk what it is about you Mr. ########### :)
OM I like it when you call me that
WS ;) I like it too...its fun :)
WS Too bad I don't get to see you tomorrow :(
OM :( that sucks
WS Yeah I know :( and then I might not see you until monday...ugh
OM We will have to figure something out by mon
WS Too bad ####### is off friday. I would get you over here then. We really do need to
figure something out. I really want to kiss you some more and do a few other fun things ;)
OM That would make me very happy
WS You and me both :)
WS Too bad you can't join me in the tub this evening :)
OM :( now thats all I will be able to think about haha :)
WS I can send pics ;) maybe I shouldn't while you are at might be a little too much haha
OM I like pics... never stoped me before haha
WS Hahaha true story. I guess I might send you a little something ;) but I would much rather you see
it in person...
OM Me too.... ;)
WS This really has to happen asap. I haven't wanted to have sex with someone this bad in a long
OM I know I feel like im in high school
WS Hahaha I was thinking the same thing. We are a mess. All I know is it has to happen at least once
;) and then it will probably happen more after that lol
OM The more I think about it the more oli think it will be an on going thing... I dont know if I could
quit it. You will probly have to stop
WS Hahaha I don't mind if its on going ;)

I turned into a raging lunatic. I walked downstairs and while she was looking up at me from the couch I slapped her in the face. I yelled out at her about the messages I found, smashed her phone, asked her why she would do something like that and fuck everything up. While still yelling I asked questions about what was going to happen now? Were they still going to go through with it and she was going to leave me? She said no, she said it was just stupid, she said she didnít want him, and that she wouldnít text him anymore. I also asked if there was anything else like this I should know about and she said no. This was the night after my birthday, and only two days away from our daughterís birthday party, being held at our newly purchased house. She went to work the next morning and I began to think about the guyís name. I knew she had a friend with the same last name and thought it had to be her brother. I opened up her computer and looking through her Facebook I realized it was her husband. This was a good friend of hers that she went through college with. It was her husband, and the father to their two young children. I thought that had to be the worst morning of my life, and I was furious. I decided to type up a message as her saying how much of a whore she was and how she ruined two families with her cheating and pasted the whole text conversation with the names as her new status. I also got the phone numbers of the OM and his wife and sent them both a message. To the other man I said, Hey #### , its #######. Hope youíre ready for the marriage to go down the drain. I just told her to check the WS newest Facebook update. I then watched the comments flow in from many of her family and friends. They all believed it was some sick joke and that someone must have hacked her account and made all this stuff up. Then some people started to figure it out and the comments changed more to an ďeven if this is true it shouldnít be on Facebook.Ē I hated everyone on there at that time. Stupid fucking hypocrites. They are on Facebook to see whatís going on with everyone. I was giving them something truly interesting to come across during their daily dose of stalking people. I do know now that all this behavior was wrong, but thatís how I handled finding out the woman I was planning to spend my life with was capable of caring so little about me.

I was going to go pick my daughter up from daycare that day, but she had already gotten her step mother to pick her up. This bitch just got busted in an affair and pulled a take the kid and run act. I didnít hear from her at all that day. Had no idea where my daughter was. I started driving out to her family memberís house looking for her car. It got dark and I still had no idea where my kid was. I start heading home and her father and step mothers cars were at the house. As I pull in, I see that at least 6 members of her family where there and she was getting some things out of the house to leave again, with my daughter. Before I can even start to get out of the car her dad is yelling at me through my car window asking what I hit his daughter for. He punched me in the face and chipped my tooth a little bit. The realization that after she did the most hurtful thing she could possible do to me, and potentially sacrificed her own childís chance to grow up in a home with her mother and father, and made me out to be the bad guy sets in. Now of course I know I shouldnít have gotten rough with her, I had never done anything like that before, but it happened. You can truly never know how you will react to something like this until it happens, and unfortunately I handled it very badly. The whole thing was by far the lowest moment in my life. Here I am, broken hearted, betrayed, frantically thinking about what was going to happen to my family, tasting small drops of blood from my nose dripping back and down into my throat. There was a moment after her dad calmed down that he talked to me and let me know that she told them what she had been caught doing. For a brief moment I could see in his face that he honestly had disappointment in what his daughter did. Not for a second did I ever have bad feelings towards him for hitting me. She is his daughter and I got why he did what he did. I would do the same thing for my daughter, worse more than likely. I understood it. It was actually the only thing happening at that time I did understand.
She left that night, and I was panicked. My whole fucking life just got turned upside down and then walked out the door in front of me in 24 hours. I had activated my old phone to her account since I broke hers and gave it to her dad to give to her. I also installed software on it that would allow me to see everything. Text, calls, browser use, and gps tracking. I text her that night mainly just talking about our daughter and when I would see her again, but I also asked her to call me. A while later she did, and we ended up talking about her coming back to the house the next day so we could still put on the birthday party for our daughter. What a fucking mess. We have a lot of people, some of which know whatís going from her Facebook or us telling them coming to our house for the celebration of our little girls 3rd birthday. We managed to pull of the party pretty well actually. When we could we talked and I told her I wanted to work on it and not lose everything.

Her ex friend, whose husband was the OM, text me a few times, we talked a little bit to each other about what was going on. It seemed smart at the time because we were both going through the same situation. We mainly just exchanged details of the wayward lovers to make sure they werenít screwing up their stories and we would catch them in more lies. They had kissed a few times at work and had that conversation about meeting up to have sex, in my own bed had I not been on vacation at the time. Fucking bitch. They had not yet had sex though. That was a bit of a help I suppose in the beginning. At least I caught it before it went that far. It wouldnít be as hard to forgive a failed attempt at an affair. Then the friend sent me one more shot to the heart in a text message. She said that her husband was not the only guy I needed to be worried about. I asked her what she meant and she explained to me that my WS was telling her and another friend while out for drinks about having sex with a guy she works with a while back and another guy she had sex with a year ago. She gave me the names. I held the information in and let it fester for the rest of that day. Once our daughter had gone to bed I took her phone and sent a text to the other friend that was at the bar the night she was telling the story. I said, I think Iím going to tell him about #####. I waited for the response and when it arrived it said ďOh lord, well thatís up to youĒ. I knew it was true when the girl first told me but now I had the un-escapable truth. I got fired up and just told her to come clean, to stop lying, that I knew about everything. It went on so long. She tried so hard to act like she didnít know what I was talking about, that there was nothing else. After several minutes she finally said his name. ďIs this about #####?Ē She asked, as if she was unsure. First sign of proof about the third one, but that would drag out for a few more days. She finally admitted that she had had sex with this guy from her work, that it was just once, and they went to a hotel after one of her ďgirlís nights outĒ. She said the other guy happened before I met her.

Just before this whole situation, I saw a text message conversation she had with her sister, and she was telling her about the OMW talking to me. She said she was worried that she would make things up and tell me lies to try and hurt her because of what she did. She lied to her sister in support of her own lies. Making it seem like the OMW would make things up when really she had more truthful information. The day after this I made our first appointment with a counselor. We told the C about the text relationship with the married man, and the hotel sex with the guy from work, and she lied again to the C and me about the third guy being before we meet. The night after our first session with the C she got a text message from a different guy at work. The conversation that followed is below:

OM What's goooooddd
WS Hey! I just saw this lol whats up?
OM Nm just chillin grill with some ppl was good with u
WS Not much. Chillin with a 3yr old. Lmao. You working tomorrow?
OM I b there you?
OM We ever gonna meet n that room before u go to Salem ;)
WS Of course i will be there...i alway am lmao
WS And maybe we will ;)
OM Or we should tonight why wait Lol
WS Lol how would we pull that one off? Lol
OM Lol u got thirty minutes n we got cars ;)
WS Lmao are you drinking? Lol
OM Nope
WS What made you think of little ol me? Lol
OM Lol we been talkin bout it
WS I meant what made you think about it tonight?
WS And i thought you couldnt do that?
OM Yea things change lol
WS Lmao whys that?
OM Lifes a butxh sometimes
WS Lol you are silly
WS We will have to finish this convo tomorrow ;)

She didnít know I had the software on her phone, but she did let me take her phone from her and check it whenever I asked. When I did check it that conversation had been erased. I didnít say anything about it. I thought for sure I was going to watch another affair go down right after she got busted for all this. What had I gotten myself into? This girl meant everything to me and she is just a cheap, easy whore that the guys from her work pass around. I just held this in and they didnít talk again for a few days. During that time I was going through her Facebook thoroughly. I looked at every single message she had ever sent to anyone. I was even able to look at some conversations she had deleted just after d-day as she didnít realize they were saved in her archives. She was trying to hide things she was worried I would dig up. I wonít paste everything I found here because there was a lot, over many months. It was the third guy that was ďbefore she met meĒ and it was all one year ago, while we were together. The first messages I found were from early February and they continued on till around July.

There were no messages directly to the guy, but there were tons to her friends. Filled with interesting bits of information about how much she disliked me and wanted me to sleep on the couch. All the while she was telling her friends about how much she wanted this other guy. They were meeting up regularly for lunch, and he made her feel great about herself. As it turns out he was also married with kids. Over the months of interaction she began to speak more and more about how badly she wanted to have sex with him. How they had tried to work it out a few times but the schedules didnít line up. There were meeting occasionally in parking lots for make out sessions. For at least 6 months she was having an emotional and physical affair with this man and I knew nothing about it.

I was out for drinks with my friends that night when the latest work guy started texting her again. The conversation is as follows:

OM Waaassss uupppp
WS Who is this?
OM #####
WS My bad lol what are you up to?
OM Smokin chillin sip with u
WS I wish i was smokin! Lol not much. Watching cartoons with my little love
OM That's sounds like fun
WS Oh it is :) trying to get her to fall asleep haha
OM Them we can play? ;)
WS Hahahaha
WS Your silly
OM That a yeah I hear :P
WS upset with you.
OM Cuz I left?? I know I'm sorry :(
WS Yes :( made me sad
OM I can make up for it
WS How is that
OM I'll show u ;)
WS Oh yeah?
OM Yap
WS How are you going to do that?
OM With My dick ;)
WS ;)

She had already had three affairs and it seemed like she was firing another one up right after being busted. Plus she had lied about absolutely everything all the way through. Not one bit of information did she offer up to me on her own. I had to dig everything out with software and wasted time digging through her personal matters. I had enough proof now to make my decision. Or so I thought.

I got off work early, picked my daughter up from daycare and took her to my parentsí house. Then I went home and played it off like everything was ok, and that I just dropped our little girl off so we could have some quality time. I asked her over and over again to promise that she would not lie to me while we had a nice talk about everything that was going on. We werenít angry or yelling. We were both quite calm and mostly appeared happy to one another. She repeated some words I asked her to. ďI swear on the life of my beautiful daughter, that I will tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth during this conversationĒ. We went through everything. I read the messages I had seen and everything I had discovered up to that point. Before revealing the proof of the third guy, and the text messages from the guy at work I offered her one last time to come clean. She lied some more. I threw the proof in her face and told her she needed to leave. She had a breakdown, and somehow we managed to get calm enough to get back on the subject of fixing. I did leave that night; she had to work anyway, but told her to fight for us if she still wanted it to work.

Ever since then she has done very little to work on things. We have had good times and bad times, and really good times and really bad times. Her attempts to fix things have mainly been just being there though. She hasnít took the time to write me any long, well thought out, messages about how much she cares and wants to stay together, she hasnít had any long sit down chats with me where she really opens up and gets things off her chest. She pretty much just sits there. For every step forward there is always a leap back with her. She went back to her old work where the three affair guys were one morning and lied to me about it. She constantly tells me she is going to make time to hangout or call me and then falls asleep or gets caught up in something else. She tells me all the time that she wants this to work those are just words. The words of a cheating liar. She takes no action to do anything about this situation. She even gets frustrated with me when Iím having difficulties coping with whatís happened to my once comfortable and loving life. We have been fighting a lot. Nothing physical towards each other but there have been some things around the house that have gotten broken. If she would just show some compassion towards me, realize that she is the cause of the destruction of the world I knew, put me on towards the top of her priorities list, maybe this could work out. It doesnít even seem like it would be that hard for her to do this, but instead she is behaving in a way that suggests she still doesnít care. Much like the way she obviously didnít care when she slept with two different guys, attempted to sleep with a third, carried on text and Facebook conversations of sexual nature with several other guys. How can I even slightly believe for a second that she actually does care after everything she has done, and continues to do? The last thing in the world I ever wanted was for my family to break up, and our daughter to be passed back and forth between us. A split up will definitely have major long term effects on her wellbeing and all of this just because she wanted a little fun and didnít know how to say no.

She ruined our family. She damaged our daughter. I may never be able to trust anyone ever again. I cry all the time, sometimes having to leave work for a drive so my co-workers donít see, and she acts like she doesnít even care. Iíve lost all hope.

[This message edited by Hatingthis247 at 2:18 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Simple posted 10/25/2013 15:12 PM

I'm sorry you're here. Please take care of your daughter. Please read the 180. Your partner is in a fog. I don't know how invested you are with her but your decision to stay or leave is completely up to you. I strongly suggest you start with boundaries, realize you will never be able to control her, realize that you can only control yourself and your future. Start seeing a counsellor. Find a place to be in your space right now. Continue to gather proof and evidence. Stop showing it to her at this point. Just work on yourself and get STD tested.

Hugs your way.

mj052 posted 10/25/2013 15:17 PM

We're in the same sinking boat!I too found out by an undeniable suspicion that my husband of over 22 years was doing more on his phone than just texting male friends!! When I grabbed his phone one night and sat in the closet the disgusting texts that I read had my stomach in my throat! My world was shattered and I knew that my life would never be the same!!

And of course- he told me everything that he thought I wanted to hear- I love you- we were only friends and it got out of hand! And the best lie of all- the sex was awkward- blah-blah-blah!

And like you- I was in a fit of rage- how could we not be!! The person who we trusted the most betrayed us innthe worst of ways!! We have kids also and I never wanted to put them through a divorce- but we both deserve so much better!!

My marriage was also a mess prior to his affair which I accept 50% of the responsibility but this shit is all on him!! I've heard it as well "it's all about the fun and attention!!

The bottom line is these people are just plain sick and will never change no matter what!! Pick yourself up- and stop beating yourself up- this is in no way your fault!! Hugs to you!!!

shiloe posted 10/25/2013 15:37 PM

Get prepared for being demonized. No, you should not have slapped her, but it is one of those occasions I can see a person losing it. Your FIL also should not have hit you either. Your wife shows no respect for you at all and anyone else. Please do not let them push the blame onto you

Secrets Kept posted 10/25/2013 18:00 PM

All I can say at the moment is WOW!!! Oh yeah, & WTF is wrong with people.

I am so sorry you are here. I just honestly don't know what to say at the moment for you. How can someone do that shit? And not only once.

First, you MUST begin the 180 immediately & no matter how hard, stuck to it. It is for you though, not necessarily a tool to get her to change. (in upper left corner of screen) She is out there deep in her fog & it will take something drastic to wake her ads up.

There will be some great people who will also step in soon with better advice than I can give.

Get your daughter taken care of legally ASAP. See a lawyer to see where you stand & try to get some sort of temp order in place in case there is a temp or perm separation. Otherwise she could do the same.

Hugs to you. You have come to the right place though. Almost better than therapy sometimes.

Hatingthis247 posted 10/25/2013 20:20 PM

We just had a long talk/argument/discussion. She has been going to MC with me, and today started her own PC. Our MC, after the last visit that revealed all the extras I had dug up that she was lying about, said she could not be trusted, was at least on some level of the sex addict scale, and should seek out her own help. She hesitated and drug her feet for a few weeks before I finally pushed her into making an appointment. Apparently the topic of discussion was about our relationship issues prior to dday. Issues that I openly admit to, and realize if there is any chance of R we need to address and work on. She always had problems opening up and discussing our issues. She avoids difficult situations like that, and apparently takes the easy way out by finding someone else to take her mind off them. Well I donít know all that was said, or how it was said with her PC today, but she came in ready to get some stuff of her chest. It was kind of shocking and in a way reminded me of how confident she was when I first met her. The problem is that she took the wrong approach.
Since dday she has been telling me how sorry that she is, that it was all her fault, and that she would do anything to fix us. Well today she was in full blame game mode. She discussed how she felt like I didnít love her, or care about her, how I never showed her attention, and then said those were the reasonís she cheated. My heart sank. Now I know there was a lack of intimacy in our relationship since our daughter was born and I know I was a large part of the blame for that, but what she seemed to fail to understand is that there were reasons I didnít feel like snuggling and being close to her.
I said in my first post I wouldnít go into this, but it feels necessary now. My WS used to get on my nerves endlessly. She always chose to spend her time on her phone or computer over her family. A habit that no doubt had part in leading us to where we are now. She would spend hours looking through other peoples photo albums and status updates. She would Skype and text with friends and hardly ever played with our daughter. She did do the majority of the chores around the house, because I was the only one working and paying all the bills, and slacked off badly with that. Dishes stacked so high in the sink you canít even fill a glass with water, dirty laundry baskets over flowing onto the floor. Itís not like I did nothing around the house, and I have a demanding job and work at least 50 hours a week (usually more) so that we can have a house. She was also very intolerant with our daughter. Often instead of trying to teach her better behavior she would just yell at her over and over. Not exactly ruthless yelling, but still just screaming at her instead of actually putting down the computer, getting off the couch, and doing something with her. I also felt as though I was much more intelligent than her. I do struggle with this thinking maybe Iím just being shallow, but often times if I told her about something interesting I read online (not someoneís status update but an actual article) it was simply lost on her. Then she would quickly change to the subject to something along the lines of ďOMG, my friend from outa town just got a new tattooĒ or some pointless crap like that.
So yeah, we both had a lot of issues with one another. To hear her even hint at the idea that it was my fault just destroyed me all over again. I tried to be calm about it and show her that she was wrong. I even asked if thatís what her C told her. No C worthier of the job would ever tell a WS that it was the BS fault right? I tried my best to reason with her. Saying our relationship had many problems and the blame fell evenly on both sides. I was just as unhappy as she was, but I didnít cheat!

I found this on the FAQ for WS. Itís so perfect right now.

The idea that this is your own fault is false. On SI, we call this kind of idea: "trying to own someone elseís shit". You did not cause the affair Ė the affair is your wandering spouseís shit. You may be responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you are responsible for 0% of the affair! Your wandering spouse owns 50% of the marriage problems and 100% of the fault for the affair. Your spouse had many other choices about how to deal with marital problems; up to and including the "I want a divorce" speech. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

How could she possibly think I made her sleep with multiple other men? If she was that unhappy and I was unwilling to change, she should have left me, not betrayed me.

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