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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

User Topic: Am I doing the right thing here? Quick Feel like a hard-ass...
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably more of an off-topic topic....but the tie-in has to do with how stbx would just *do things* and, since the *thing* was done...I just sucked it up and 'dealt with it'.

DS19 went away to school last year. In the weeks leading up to his leaving....we were engaged in 'spirited discussions' over the TV in his room here at the house. He just *assumed* that he was going to be taking it with him. I disavowed him of that notion and told him that he could take a different (and smaller) TV with him since I didn't feel that he needed a larger TV in a dorm room the size of a postage stamp. (plus, I wasn't too enthralled with his 'entitled' attitude).

When DS' year was over, stbx moved him back and DS left all of his stuff at the house that stbx was living in. Ok. No problems so far.

Today. DS14 goes into DS19's room and hooks up a game system that plays games that I really like. (Hi Crash) So I figure it's a good time to hang out with my youngest and *play*. As we're sitting there playing.....I notice the TV seems *different*.

Long story short.....At some point during the summer, DS19 *switched out* the smaller TV with the bigger one. Never bothered to tell me. He now has the 'bigger' TV that I had specifically told him NOT to take...with him in his apartment at college. (the kid actually made the mistake of telling me that "I hadn't noticed the change for 5 months" when I was asking about it today)

I told him that I would be coming to pick the TV up.

DS19 is very well aware of how I feel about shit leaving my house without me knowing about it. His dad did it CONSTANTLY.

So.....is it reasonable for me to go and get that TV from DS under these circumstances?

(I feel like shit because (1)I don't want to embarrass him in front of his roommates; and (2) these kids are now not going to have a TV......)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think taking the TV is the right thing to do. I'm assuming you bought the TV for him.

He took something that you specifically told him to leave at home. If you let him keep it at school, you're telling him that that's okay.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38659 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG gonna

Do you need a ride?

Yeah, you are "right".

It was sneaky and dishonest. I would be making the trip to his dorm too.

Let one of the other kids bring up a t.v.

You are so right in your feeling. My kids too were under the impression that stuff around the house was "theirs" WTF?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So.....is it reasonable for me to go and get that TV from DS under these circumstances?
Hell yes. And I'll hold your earrings while you smack his smart assed little self.
I would be livid! My DD and DS used to "disappear" things from my home too. It only stopped when I took a laptop that XWH bought for my DD. I refused to return it until my missing items came home.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6680 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
jemimapd
♀ 37895
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes, yes. You are not doing your son any favors by letting him think this is acceptable.

It's called a consequence........


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dammit, dammit, dammit.
I SO do NOT want to have to do this. My DS is a *great* kid and he and I are normally on the *same* page. But there are times that he seems to *take advantage* of the fact that I am *distracted* by all of the crap with stbx. And this, apparently, is one of them.

When I was talking to him about it earlier, he was giving me all of the *wrong* answers.

Yes, AN. The TV's are *mine*.
Gaby -- <here are my kick-ass earrings>. I'll ask for them back tomorrow when I get back home with the TV......

karma/jemi -- just *thanks*....because I feel like I'm being a jerk. (thanks, stbx..... )

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:22 PM, October 25th (Friday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
nomistakeaboutit
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Could he bring it to you?


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 966 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
knolls
♀ 39242
Member # 39242
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the minority here. But I wouldn't go pick it up.
I wound explain that if he wants the tv he will be buying it from you. That you feel disrespected. But the adult thing your son and roommates can do is buy the property from you
I remember very specific incidents my mom did when I was the same age. I could still crawl under a rock thinking about them. And really it changed our relationship for the rest of her life. Yes I was at fault. But I was an irresponsible college kid. Her reaction was not supportive.
Just my 2 cents worth.


I am stronger than the storm.
I take every experience in my life, no matter how horrendous it was, as a learning experience

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@mistake--*could* he bring it to me? Technically, yes. But I think that making him do that would be totally cruel and unusual punishment. The car that he uses is in my garage....NOT at school with him. So he would have to lug the big-ass TV to the bus, get it on the bus, and then put it in my car. And then get himself back onto the bus and go back to school -- where his girlfriend would be waiting, since she and a few of her friends are visiting this weekend.

@knolls -- the thing is that I don't want to *sell* that TV to him. And you have touched my fear here -- I don't WANT to be that *bitch-mom* that is going to march into his apartment tomorrow in front of his roommates and girlfriend to *take* the TV away.....but.....what the heck other choice do I have under the circumstances?

My 2 biggest objections to him taking the bigger TV last year were: (1) his *assumption* that he would be taking it because it was in *his* room (instead of 'asking'....which may be a *me* issue, I don't know) and (2) he was in an itty-bitty dorm room that didn't *need* a big TV.

His situation is different this year. He's in an unfurnished apartment with 4 other guys. IF DS had come to me over the summer and said "A is bringing this and B is bringing that. Can I take the bigger TV to put in the living room of the apartment because the TV I had last year would be kinda small for that room?" I most likely would have said "yes" because his situation from last year had changed.

I feel as if he *took advantage* of the fact that I wasn't 'paying attention'. I trusted him. He KNEW which TV was 'allowed'. And he just switched it out....and neither parental unit *noticed*....so he just ran with it.

I sent him a text and told him that I would be there tomorrow (saturday) to pick up the TV at <x> time......and he said "ok."


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he wanted the tv so bad, he should have asked again, begged, traded, borrowed, etc.. As others have said, you do him absolutely no favors by letting his sneaky, underhanded, disrespectful actions go without any consequences.

Even now, he should be apologizing like hell and trying to make a deal with you to keep the tv and earn some trust back..

Like I tell my young kids when they start whining and being rude when I deny them something, "well that attitude isn't going to change mom's mind." This at least points them in the direction of how they should be behaving when they want something..

Sorry he did this. Hopefully you guys can find a way to compromise, with you coming out ahead to make up for what he did..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2639 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
HeartStings
♀ 38017
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If DS had come to me over the summer and said..."

Tell him this! so he understands that he was wrong to do such a sneaky thing.

And if you are paying for his college, he better be kissing your ass!


Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I just now see that his little brother told him that I was coming tomorrow and that I was pissed. (wtf is my DS14 doing using the word *pissed*???) Anyway. DS19's response was: "Don't care"

Yea. Not feeling so bad about taking his TV anymore.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And if you are paying for his college, he better be kissing your ass!

Exactly. Not as if he's my beyotch.....but show a little gratitude, right? Tuition, room, board.....all paid by the units. No loans. No debt for him.. AND he wants to go to China next summer on a study abroad program.....on *us*, of course. To say that I'm unhappy with him right now would be a serious understatement......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
HeartStings
♀ 38017
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, for the love of God....not China (read my story)! The whores over there are experts at hooking stupid American men. I revise my first advice. Give him the TV, but don't let him go to China!!!!



Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
headdesk
♀ 40787
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 12:59 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swear that parenting is a series of things that make your heart twist up - and sticking to your boundaries is a tough one. It is one of the most valuable lessons you can give him though. Hugs!


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
DeadMumWalking
♀ 25341
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:34 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND he wants to go to China next summer on a study abroad program

Get a fucking job, kid.

Seriously. Can't he work over the summer? Get a part-time job (5-10 hours per week) during the school year?

Money doesn't grow on trees. And you're not ENTITLED to it just because you want it.

(sorry for the rant, this touches a sore spot with me)

Oh yeah, and take the tv. I would also add another consequence to that - have him write you an apology letter. A letter that explains what he did wrong and how he will fix it/behave in a respectful manner with you from now on.

And give him a deadline for it (and make sure he understands that the letter has to be ACCEPTABLE to you by the deadline), and a severe consequence for not complying. (cut off cell phone, reduce allowance for some time, etc)

((((gonna))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2659 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Alex CR
♀ 27968
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in the minority here but speaking from a place where I was the 'hardass', in hindsight, it wasn't worth it. Years later, there is a huge distance between my son and me. I believe my being so hard on him created this wall between us. My girls handled my parenting style much better but they're female and sometimes I think that made the difference.

The TV isn't the issue, it's the disrespect you feel and your son's 'I want it so I'll do it' attitude. I don't think humiliating him while at the same time making you look like 'the bitch' will solve the problem but may instead, escalate the distance between the two of you.

Maybe there is a way to step back and figure out how to discuss with him ways to communicate......maybe there's a way to clear the air so everyone walks away with a different understanding of each other instead of anger and resentment which sounds like it might happen if you drive there to pick up the tv.

The transition from a teen at home to the psuedo- independence of college and then onto real independence is not easy for any of us. But I think it's one of the most important and the last transition period for our kids where we have a real opportunity to share our views of the world, our morals and values and also our coping skills before they are truly on their own.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1723 | Registered: Mar 2010
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The childless one with no right to comment chiming in here.

I think DS19's response to DS14 was pure bravado and doesn't even remotely respect how he actually feels.

I think a child that grows up in a home where the availability of money and things aren't an issue particularly struggle with adjusting to a budget, adjusting to respecting personal property of their parents and adjusting to living within their means when those means are less. In particular it's tough when they are surrounded by kids whose wealthy parents don't draw those lines. Just to put his POV in a little bit of context b/c I'm not seeing entitlement as much as I'm seeing naivety.

This is hitting you because you are at your limit with sneakiness and it's too close to your asshat's behavior. So the situation gets at you but it's magnified ten-fold since shades of "oh fuck I don't want my son to be like his father" are right behind it.

Take the TV or don't, I'm not sure what's best there. But DS19 needs to hear why you're upset. He needs to hear that he's exhibiting a quality of his dad that frightens you. He needs to hear that his dishonesty has damaged his credibility with you and that trust is hard won and when damaged, hard to repair. I'd use this as a growing up lesson for him, and as a clear the air/bonding experience for your relationship with your son if you can. Because if you don't be real about this, he'll continue to think it's about a TV that you could easily afford to buy him 20 of so he won't really get why you care.


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3150 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a child that grows up in a home where the availability of money and things aren't an issue particularly struggle with adjusting to a budget, adjusting to respecting personal property of their parents and adjusting to living within their means when those means are less. In particular it's tough when they are surrounded by kids whose wealthy parents don't draw those lines. Just to put his POV in a little bit of context b/c I'm not seeing entitlement as much as I'm seeing naivety.

This is hitting you because you are at your limit with sneakiness and it's too close to your asshat's behavior. So the situation gets at you but it's magnified ten-fold since shades of "oh fuck I don't want my son to be like his father" are right behind it.

I think these are very good points. I also think these responses make the point that it's not so black and white. Take the TV back, but I agree that conversation and communication here will go a long way. It's a good learning and growing opportunity for both of you.

Use it .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38659 | Registered: Sep 2007
Mack9512
♀ 38619
Member # 38619
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Good lord Gonna. My DD is only 7 and showing this attitude and it got worse when my fWH moved out for a while. We are working diligently to try to teach her how to be respectful to us and our "things".

I also am of the mindset that going over and taking the TV back may not be the best thing in the short term, however, it may be a good place to start a relationship with DS19 that is more on an adult level.

Good luck,
Mack


"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

Posts: 415 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
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