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Well, that was awkward

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devistatedmom posted 10/25/2013 22:51 PM

4 years past D-day, almost 3 since the Div has been done.

My mom has been diagnosed with cancer. She starts chemo on Monday. I've been cleaning up my spare room the past few weeks, wanting to put together a bedroom she can use as my house is closer to the hospital than hers, and if she can't make it home after a treatment, she will have a comfy place to lay down for a while. Room was a junk room, so cleaned it out, threw out a bunch of stuff, now, I need a bed. I wanted a double bed so my dad can lay down with her if he wants. Of course, I'm flat broke, so I'm trying to figure this out cheap.

I sent out an SOS to a group of sport officials that I'm part of, if anyone had a line on a double bed for me. XH is also part of this group. He's the one that contacts me with a couple he found in my down on Kijiji. One is only $60, older couple, was in their guest room, barely used. I would have preferred anyone other than him be the one to answer, but ok, I can suck it up that he's being nice.

He picks me up, we go look at it. (Bed shopping with my XH? Naaaa, that's not weird!) Decide to take it. I say I'll be back tomorrow with the cash, he pulls out his wallet and pays for it.

Now, I need to find a truck to get it. He takes off to go borrow from his best friend, whom I have not had any contact with since he left us. He allowed the skank into his house immediately, and it hurt me. I treated him as my "second husband" for years and years while he was single, and didn't have much of a life. He was family to me and the kids.

Not only does XH come back with the truck...his BF came with him, and they had already picked up the bed. No warning he was bringing him. The two of them and my son wrestle it into the house and up the stairs. BF comes into the kitchen and says Hi. I say hi back, but can't even look at him. I'm taking a deep breath, and figure, ok, I can talk to him for a min...and he's back out the door, into his car and gone! I felt so guilty...I didn't even say thank you for the help with the truck, and he does NOT live close by.

Awkward all around. Having XH help, pay, his BF here for the first time in years....just...awkward.

I know my XH is helping because he's hurt that I have more or less cut him out and not let him know what is up with my mom, while I supported him all through his dad losing a leg last year and almost passing away. I know he just wants to support me back...but dude, you aren't in my support circle anymore. His parents and I still talk. Never stopped. Any time we talk, they still consider me family, and tell me they love me. My xh has not spoken to my parents since he left except maybe a hi when it couldn't be avoided. My parents were PISSED when he took off on me and the kids. I know my mom would not want his "help".

I did thank XH, and will give him the cash back tomorrow. I'm thinking I should contact BF on FB or something, apologize for not thanking him properly, as I didn't realize he was heading right back out the door. He didn't have to help, but he did. I should, right?

Gah. The things you suck up when you need something for family.

newlysingle posted 10/25/2013 23:02 PM

I don't see any need to thank him. You didn't ask for his help and he has to understand why you're not up to feeling chummy with him. This is the least these two could do for you after the hurt they've caused you.

9.10.11 posted 10/26/2013 07:40 AM

You did the best you could at that time. But they both deserve a thank you. I'm sure it was equally awkward for them....well maybe not equally.
It's a tough situation. I probably would have done the same. The people that I asked for help in saving our marriage that didn't even try(some of the x's family) I don't give 2 shits about anymore. When people almost "support" a cheater, well they aren't worth much more than a hello....if that. Ok....now I'm think'n more in line with newlysingle. Tried to support the "nice" side but it is hard.
Shake it off and if they get mad cause no "thank you" well thats their tough shit. Have you gotten an apology from either of them? Yep, me either.
Hope your mom gets better. Prayers sent.

Artemisia posted 10/26/2013 09:25 AM


This sounds so hard. Good for you for getting through it and getting to main point: a place for your mom to rest! That is really wonderful.

Ugh, I am trying to live generously and with love etc etc which make me think a simple thank you would be a good.

On the other hand, I had this cynical thought that the BF was there to support your ex in that situation more than to help specifically you. So, I'm not doing so well taking my own advice of living with love. So in a sense, I'm with newlysingle.

I think you probably know in your gut which way you want to go - do you?

inconnu posted 10/26/2013 10:00 AM

Ugh, I am trying to live generously and with love etc etc which make me think a simple thank you would be a good.

That's where I'm at, too. Send a thank you, because that's the kind of person you are, dm.

Kajem posted 10/27/2013 00:34 AM

A simple thank you note sent via snail mail (if you have it) to bf addressed to BFs address or XH's address . Then let it (and him) go.

Hugs,
K

persevere posted 10/27/2013 12:13 PM

I think a simple thank you is appropriate under the circumstances. It was a nice thing to do, and I think you will feel better about the whole thing if you acknowledge that.

Ugh...but I'm sure it was awkward...glad it's done. And thoughts and prayers for a strong recovery for your mom.

devistatedmom posted 10/27/2013 22:00 PM

Just sent my thank you to him via FB. I may have also explained why I cut him off 4 years ago, as I cut off anyone that welcomed the OW into their homes, and helped XH hurt my kids. But thanks for the help.

Couldn't help myself.

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