So this was the weekend (x)SO was supposed to come, see my real life, and we'd figure out if he fit in really, what are our plans going to truly be etc. And instead, I'm sitting here by myself and he's baby sitting his nephew 1000s of miles away.
We've talked some this week with no resolution. He reached out mid-week to tell me that I shouldn't worry about the money, that he'd find a way to pay me back. So I told him how I felt. That I can't handle his anger - esp directed at me - and don't want to.
He understands that when he directs it at me, it's not really anger and it's not me. It's his own frustrations and own fears. His own not wanting to be a burden on me. Not wanting to make me the primary earner. And you know, I get all that. What guy would really be okay with that?
But that doesn't change what happened. Nor the fact that he didn't come this weekend. Nor does it change the core issues, his insecurities, his lack of money and his health issues that mean major surgery in the future.
We've plans to talk this weekend. I told him that my feelings haven't changed. They are all there. But that I'm exhausted from the rest of it and I know he is too. My hope is that I can stick to my guns this weekend and follow through and make the break up real. Or at least make it a break. I want him to do what he needs to do to be ok, and only after he's done it, come find me.
This comes at such a typically bad time. Holidays coming and I have no plans. And even better, next week I get a big list of all my future post options and I have to pick what options I want and submit them and then cross my fingers. It's a roll of the dice. One that I thought I'd be making in a relationship, making it kind of fun and exciting, but instead, it's just scary as fuck.