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Feeling depressed after affair - is it harder for the BS or WS?

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Loadsofchocolate posted 10/26/2013 08:22 AM

Would particularly like to hear from those who have been both the BS and the WS but all comments welcome.

I'm the BW and I feel like I'm falling apart yet I'm supposed to just get on with it according to WH. WH talks about nothing but how depressed he is and expects support and sympathy. He has shown no remorse and I think he is just pining after ow. Obviously I have no idea what it feels like to be in his position but I suspect it's harder on the one who is betrayed.

painfulpast posted 10/26/2013 08:29 AM

From the sounds of it, I'm not sure it matters. You are hurting - and he isn't doing the work needed, so whatever hurt he's feeling is just more selfish wallowing. He's not in the same mindset as the WSs here. They are remorseful and want to help their BS. Your WS wants sympathy for cheating? In what world does that make sense???

You have an unremorseful WS - so, gently, very gently, - why are you staying with him, may I ask? It seems like he continues to hurt you, first with the A and now with his lack of caring over your feelings. If he is so careless with your feelings, both to have an A and now to not care that you're hurting, what is it that keeps him in your life?

cantgetup posted 10/26/2013 08:57 AM

So sorry you are hurting. You are justified in your pain that you are feeling and you also are justified in not being able to muster up sympathy for your H. He does not deserve any from you. At some point after he has tried to help you heal, then maybe. But now...after his continued contact. No. He needs to stop all contact, re-enter the marriage, fix himself and help you heal. Now. If that doesn't happen like NOW, then you need to detach, heal yourself and start thinking about your life without him in it. I know how hard it is to heal with a completely remorseful S who has done everything to fix this the minute of discovery. For those of you who have to deal with no remorse, continues contact, and mourning the A--not sure I could do that. I think I would have filed and worked backward from there to see if he would have done the right thing. I would NOT have given him the benefit of the doubt on this. Take good care.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/26/2013 09:17 AM

This is not a competition. He is making it one. After what he's done he should be all about caring for you and putting you first. Saying you have to get on with it is cruel.
Since dday my fwh has reached the crushing realisation he has bipolar and it has blighted his, mine and our children's lives for years. (I already knew but his denial was absolute). This is devastating for him. But he is still putting everything he can into caring for him and putting me first because of his genuine remorse.
There is no excuse for still making this about him
Thinking about you

Loadsofchocolate posted 10/30/2013 16:58 PM

Thank you all for your replies. The only reason I am staying with him is because of the children. Our circumstances are rather complicated and at the moment I don't see a way out. I have started to focus on myself and am trying to find things that make me happy.

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