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inconnu posted 10/26/2013 11:22 AM

I see so many of you in the mourning the life you had stage, and my heart hurts for all of you. It's an incredibly hard, and painful, stage to go through, but it's such a necessary part of the healing journey.

It's hard to say goodbye to not only the life we thought we had, but also the future life we expected to have.

For those of you who weren't around back then, let me tell you, I wallowed. So I get it. The grief is overwhelming at times. Ex walked out on me and the kids when I was 45. I had been a sahm at the time of my divorce. My kids were teens, in high school, and I had been counting down to the stage of life where I wasn't going to be a hands-on, full-time parent. So, not only did life as I knew it implode when I found out about the infidelity, it was never going to come close to being what I thought it had been, upon rebuilding after the divorce.

I made myself move forward, for months, but I was really still wallowing. I had gone back to college at the same time I had filed for the divorce, and when that first semester was over, I curled up in bed for several weeks, mourning for my marriage and really missing my old life.

Finally, even I got sick of myself. I was tired of wallowing. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was fed up with mourning a marriage that I finally realized wasn't all that good to begin with. So I decided to get rid of the negative thinking, to make room for all the positive potentials and possibilities that were out in the universe, just waiting for me.

I actually held a little ceremony on New Year's Eve, where I wrote down all the negative emotions on slips of paper, and then burned them one by one. It was cathartic.

Good things started to happen. My focus on my schoolwork improved. My kids stopped feeling like they had to protect me and I became the parent they needed me to be again. I stepped way out of my comfort zone, and ended up meeting the man who is now my SO. I went back to work for the first time in 20 years, and I liked it.

It didn't happen overnight, and it didn't usually happen when I thought it should, but good things happened, and continue to happen. Above all, I am a much happier person, because I choose daily to see the positive in my life.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is - feel what you feel, don't stuff down the emotions. Let the mourning process happen. But when you've healed enough, choose to find the possibilities and potential that are in front of you, instead of dwelling on the negatives that are in your rearview mirror.

Life is what you make of it. And you are worthy of having a good life. Nobody is going to hand it to you, you have to go out and find it for yourself.

You can do this, and it will be so worth it. I promise.

somanyyears posted 10/26/2013 11:28 AM


..

..great advice..

smy

Jrazz posted 10/26/2013 12:04 PM

(((inconnu)))

Nature_Girl posted 10/26/2013 12:10 PM

I love you for this! Thanks.

dmari posted 10/26/2013 12:17 PM

Thank you for sharing!! It made me wonder if we could have a section of post such as these: folks who have BTDT and share how they got through to the other side.

I think we all have that initial feeling of disbelief that life will get better. But it does and the newbies need to know that.

So happy for you inconnu!

myperfectlife posted 10/26/2013 12:18 PM

Not divorced yet, but this is exactly what I needed to hear today.
I too was waiting patiently for the stage after the kids.
My WS was not as patient.
Now I see that I can still do all the things I thought I would do with him, either alone or with someone special who is not him.
I have always been a planner so I made an offer on a house and will hopefully close soon. I am in school and love my job so I am hopeful that these things along with my boys, will replace the life I thought I would have with my spouse.
6 months into separation and it (and prozac) has kept me sane. Hopefully I will close on the new house next week and have that incentive to furnish and paint and make a new home for myself that will help me move forward.
Thanks again for this message.

Gajit posted 10/26/2013 13:07 PM

I'm not divorced yet, but it sure is good to hear this!
I am trying!

lifestoshort posted 10/26/2013 14:48 PM

that is beautiful :)

tryingagain74 posted 10/26/2013 15:14 PM

Great message, inconnu. I struggled with that (and still do, to some extent); it was so hard for me to reconcile what I thought was going to be with reality.

Reality is probably tougher in ways, but it doesn't compare to staying in a broken marriage with a man who expected me to fix myself because I pushed him to have an A. There's just no possibility of happiness with that, so I know that the path I took away from him was the only one that could lead to happiness some day.

It's nice to hear from people who are much farther out and thriving. I'm getting there, but I'm not quite there yet.

pregnantandsad posted 10/26/2013 16:53 PM

Thank you for posting this. It's so good to hear from others who have been where we are and are so much happier now.

Thefly559 posted 10/26/2013 16:57 PM

Great post. Thank you

jackie89 posted 10/26/2013 17:00 PM

Thank You! That's exactly what I needed to hear! Just a minute ago, I got off the phone with STBXH.

And I know, once I let go, really let go of what could of been. I know that I will get to a better place emotionally.

Hopefully everything will start to fall into place.

Yes be open to the possibilities! Thank You.

tesla posted 10/26/2013 17:55 PM

Thank you for posting this.

I think one of the neatest moments I have had is when I realized that ex-shat wasn't good enough for me and I was meant for something better in my life than being weighed down by him.

careerlady posted 10/26/2013 17:55 PM

Thank you! I feel encouraged! Why is it that we have reconciliation success stories and none for divorce? I bet the success rate is higher. I'm just sayin'...

Confused1829 posted 10/26/2013 18:00 PM

Love this inconnu and so well said!

Thank you for sharing. I've been feeling much of this myself lately and decided to actually put pen to paper and write the book I've been saying I would write about this. Even if no one else reads it, it will be a sort of therapy for me.

I completely agree. It is hard, and we all fall down, but the key is to keep moving. Put yourself out of your comfort zone and doors start to open that you never even knew were there. I always say that God had bigger plans for me than I had for myself - I believe this is true for all of us.

I love your ceremony idea - I think I will do this! I need to 'let go' and somehow having a ritual (hey we had one for the marriage right?) helps us in that process.

Thank you again!

inconnu posted 10/26/2013 18:33 PM

I have always been a planner

let me tell you about my infamous 5 year plan, in which I had it all figured out. Right down to "start dating" somewhere during year 5. I actually met my SO before my divorce was final. And it took longer, a lot longer, to get my first job than I expected. And then the same thing happened when I started looking for the next job. So financially, I'm not yet where I thought I'd be. Life is still stressful, but it's good. I have so much to be appreciative of, and I know life is just gonna keep getting better and better.

I know, once I let go, really let go of what could of been

This reminds me of a quote by Joseph Campbell that I keep seeing on facebook and pinterest - “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”

I was meant for something better in my life than being weighed down by him.

oh, you so are, sweetie. you so are.

I love your ceremony idea - I think I will do this! I need to 'let go' and somehow having a ritual helps us in that process.

I've done the New Year's ritual several times now, and when I was healed enough, and ready, I also did a ceremonial burning of all the memorabilia I had accumulated during my relationship with ex. There's just something about fire that has been cathartic for me.

Bluebird26 posted 10/27/2013 01:27 AM

Great post. TFS

thenon-goddess posted 10/27/2013 08:34 AM

Love it! So happy for you!

IrishLass518 posted 10/27/2013 11:04 AM

inconnu, I hope you don't mind if I too share my journey for the others who are here.

I grieved, mourned and wallowed too. I still have rough days 2 and 1/2 years after divorce. They are fewer and much farther in between and I handle them so much better. I still get sad sometimes but not for me anymore. Mostly I get sad for how much xWH is missing with the Lads and Lasses and how he continues to undermine his relationships with them.
I have a new, stable, fulfilling job and while I don't make a ton of money, I do alright and the benefits are outstanding. I have a great support network of family, friends and co-workers. I have me back and I know just how valuable I am. I bought a new car, went on several vacations (little and big), I am planning to buy a house in the next 2-3 years. A house that I want, where I want it. I am participating in some training, paid for by my job, that will make me promotable within my agency and others over the next 2 years. Finally and most importantly, I am happy because I chose to be. I allow myself to enjoy my life and to learn from my experiences. I allow myself the chance to let my dreams come true. It took a long time and as I said, there are still days, still it was so worth it.

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