how can it not cloud every aspect of everything?
I mean, I could see maybe one A was a mistake but multiple??? over multiple years??
I believe people can change IF they really want to and get the help they need to do it. I don't think just telling themselves "I will never do that again" works. If they can honestly show that they've done the work, figured themselves out, then I could give them a chance - I gave my WH that chance and he has proven himself worthy.
Am I seeing this wrong?
Since D-Day, a number of fWSes have helped me immensely. Now I would want to know what the WS has done to heal. To me, a healed fWS is a regular person.
The number of As doesn't seem to bother me. Remorse and changed behavior pretty much wipe out the As for me at this point.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:04 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]
If I were divorced and perusing a romantic relationship with someone else, and that person had been unfaithful to their wife in the past- that would be too big of a risk for me.
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Sure, he might be one of the people who had a one time lapse in judgement and did the work to fix himself and learn his lesson. Or, it could be something he swore never to do again- until opportunity presented itself. For me, it would be too big of a risk, and I would not want to get involved enough to find out.
For me, the comparison is like picking a financial investor. Do you invest your life savings with someone who you know has laundered money in the past- but swears he did his time and learned from his mistake? Or do you invest with someone who has a clean past? Sure he could do the same, but at least his track record is good.
I would go with the one who was trustworthy in the past. That's just me.
As far as friends and whatnot go- I have some friends who have cheated in the past. I don't immediately cut off their friendship- but I do tend to distance myself. First, cheating tells me about their values. That is NOT my values. I find that friends who don't share my core values really don't tend to have a lot in common with me long term to maintain a friendship. Second, I don't want someone I know did that to another BS around my husband.
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
I know the changes I have made, I know the digging I have done, I know the depression I have worked through and the nights of anguish over the part of who I was that took me so long to acknowledge. I am not that person anymore, to solely judge me on that and not who I am is harsh. I speak from the experience of knowing people who have done shameful things in their past be it drugs, alcohols, infidelity, gambling, stealing, etc. and have made changes to be different. If after you make your changes you are still viewed as the person you were before those changes were made that is a hard pill to swallow. If those actions are enough to negate everything else that makes you who you are then what honestly is the point of change? I know that to change and become a healthy and authentic person is for the benefit of the former wayward yet if I change and I am still shunned that is a lonely existence, discouraging , and just a hard life overall.
I am the person that I am today because I was forged in the fires of the hell I created with my infidelity. I was thrown into another dimension of that hell when he cheated and changed once again. I am not who I was a year ago, hell I'm not who I was 7 months ago. My reality is very different now as is the person I present to the world. At the end of the day if you find out I am a former wayward that acknowledges their horrible choices and has worked on figuring out what was broken and fixed it, is always vigilant now of behaviors and actions and you still do not want to associate with me that is your decision, no fighting it. I know who I am now and what I am worth and if my past choices make me unacceptable now then so be it.
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
If they were cavalier or still blaming their BS though, I would still view them a cheater.