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Newest Member: thepainfull86 (61156)

User Topic: Retrouvaille drop out
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 months out from d day and we are trying everything to heal from this. We are staying together and things are getting better but my emotions are too raw. I just couldn't separate my feelings. We could try again in February. They thought it was just too soon for us and everyone is different. I feel terrible that i couldn't get things under control. My husband made all the arrangements found a babysitter for 4 kids everything. He is being really supportive and feels terrible he has put our family through all of this. I am so frustrated and disappointed with myself.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't be disappointed with yourself, the last thing you need right now is guilt.

My counsellor told me about the difference between pain and suffering. Pain you have no choice but to feel, it's just there, hurting you. Suffering is what you heap on top when you say things to yourself like "what's wrong with me?" "Why am I still so emotional?" Etc. you do not have to have both and the pain is definitely bad enough!

I hope that makes sense.

Be proud of yourself for having the courage to try.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Retrouvaille is pretty intense. I don't feel I would have been able to handle it at 3 months post d-day. Please don't feel like you are lacking in anyway for not being able to handle Retrouvaille at this point in time. (((Flourgirl)))

We went 23 months post d-day. It was perfect for us. Everyone is different, but I feel that Retrouvaille is best when you are past the very early days/months of just pure raw emotion. Also it is best, I feel, that you are out of the shock and denial stage before attending.

I commend your husband for being proactive and making all the arrangements. He is showing real motivation on wanting you, him and your marriage to heal.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13323 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 34353
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its very normal at 3 months for your emotions to be raw. Take your time and don't be so hard on yourself.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA and 10/28/15 NEW dday.
Just surviving.

Posts: 1849 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flourgirl I think all of us want to rush through this process, we want to be coping better than we are, feeling better than we are, reconciling better than we are....and on and on. The thing is we have suffered a huge emotional trauma and just like we wouldn't expect someone who had had a leg amputated to be running off on a prosthetic limb 3 months after the trauma - well we can't expect ourselves to be doing that emotionally either.

Don't beat yourself up about this. It is wonderful that you showed the willingness to try retrouvaille, that in itself is a step in the right direction! So, it was a bit too early for you - don't be discouraged! Keep working on yourself, on the issues in your relationship and, in time, try retrouvaille again if that's what you want to do.

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 21yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another voice to say - I'd really like to say something comforting, but at 3 months out, I don't think it's possible to give much comfort anyone in or considering R.

Being raw at 3 months - and later - means that you're understanding what happened. As awful as you feel, it's a sign of health.

Over the next few months, you almost definitely will start to feel better. The roller coaster will slow down, and you'll even start to feel pretty good for moments. As time goes on, the moments will stretch out and 'feeling pretty good' will become 'feeling downright good'.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16586 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for your support. I have had a life filled with drama. My father was a verbally abusive alcoholic, my best friend died at 23, had 2 family members kill themselves in 2 years, reconciled with my dad only to have him die of cancer a few years later. No amount of pain has prepared me for this. I had the million dollar family. I thought I had been through pain before but this is gut wrenching. I have never had anyone I love chose to hurt me. It is hard to accept that this has happened.

I love my hubby I have never stopped. I am glad to hear it will get easier. I wish I had a magic wand to wave the pain away. I guess I will just have to wait.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
♀ 33457
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Be gentle with yourself.

I almost went home on our Retrouvaille weekend because I had a panic attack. I was only a little further out from dday then you are, and it was difficult. I was expected to identify a feeling?!! I couldn't do it. I was shellshocked. I was angry. I felt like a failure and I panicked.

Some of the concepts are difficult and they take years of practice to grasp. I sure wasn't someone who latched onto the idea of forgiveness right away. I'm still not, and I'm ok with that.

My husband and I have been involved with Retrouvaille for a couple years now. We help couples who are going through the program. So we've come a long way. There is hope.

Keep working at stuff at your own pace when you are ready. Give yourself well deserved breaks when you need it. This is a marathon, not a race. Took me a while to get that through my head!

Good luck.

Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, don't ever feel ashamed that you tried something. So it didn't work this time ... big deal. At 3 months out, our MC was still having to teach us to actually talk TO vice AT each other. There is no way that I would have been ready to be as vulnerable as Retrouvaille can ask you to be. Frankly, several of our mentoring couples walked out too, or had to go through the entire program more than twice!

Let yourself heal up a bit more. When you're ready, the program will still be there. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9933 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 40937
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, October 29th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We want to try again. I just need a little more time. Thank you for all the support. I will try to stop beating myself up.

BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 190 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Topic Posts: 10

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