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how do I fix things with my inlaws?

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Alyssamd24 posted 10/26/2013 16:30 PM

I know its going to take a long time to repair the damage I have done and they may never trust or like me again. ...but what do I do so we can actually see each other without it being totally awkward?

housenotahome posted 10/26/2013 18:17 PM

You're courting them all over again, much like courting you're BS. Be humble and sincere. Acknowledge their pain. You don't have to wear a sandwich board with your actions on it but don't act like it never happened either(not implying that you do). Express gratitude for their kindness and courtesy. My H told my parents that he acknowledged their lack of trust and will work hard to earn it back, no matter how long it takes. It's ok that they don't trust right now, its normal, much like the anxiety you're feeling and acknowledging that can make it less awkward.

[This message edited by housenotahome at 6:22 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

cliffside posted 10/26/2013 18:47 PM

Ask your husband to talk to them and see how they want to handle it. My husband wanted to talk about it. My Mother does *not* want to talk about it. She wants to see him change. He kept forcing the "I want to talk to her" and I finally put my foot down and said "this is not for you to decide." So figure out how they would like to handle this and then respect it.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/26/2013 19:04 PM

Thanks for the suggestions. I sat down with both of them a few months ago and apologized and acknowledged how selfish my actions were and that I understand how they must feel about me.

My FIL is still friendly towards me and acts almost like he did MIL doesnt speak to me. ..if my BH goes to see them it is just him and our D who goes...never me.

We stopped at their house today cuz my bh wanted to show them my new car and it was very awkward...almost like I wasn't there....the three of them spoke and I just stood there .

My BH wants me to make more of an effort so the holidays won't be awkward....I have tried by baking for them and talking to her about my new job or making small talk about our D...but it doesn't seem to work.

One day this week my inlaws were watching our D and my FIL brought her to our house to put her to MIL didn't come cuz she said she had a long day....but I think its cuz I was here...she hasn't come to our house since I have been back.

longroadhome posted 10/26/2013 19:57 PM

I have tried by baking for them and talking to her about my new job or making small talk about our D...but it doesn't seem to work.

I think this may be the point. Baking stuff and talking about day to day things like nothing is wrong won't help her regain trust. Neither will her refusing to talk to you. Much like with your H, you may have to be willing to try to discuss the A with your MIL over and over until she has everything she needs to move forward...and she should allow you the opportunity, IMO.

Is your H OK with his Mom not being a friend of the M? From your registration date you appear to be about six months from d-day, so that may not be an important point...yet. If there is a commitment to R on both of your parts, it will become very important for her to be a friend of the marriage, at least for her son's sake.

Good luck. It's not easy, but don't give up.

[This message edited by longroadhome at 7:59 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Darkness Falls posted 10/26/2013 22:32 PM

Is there an obligation to spend the holidays with them? Is there any way just you and your BH and your daughter could spend the holidays by yourselves as a family? I would hope your in-laws would be understanding of your need to reconnect and build new connections with each other during such an already stressful time, especially the first holiday season post-D-day.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 10:32 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 10/27/2013 06:29 AM

Long road,

I think if I tried to discuss the A anymore w her she would shut me down...she did say when I met with them that's bw me and my bh and they just want him to be happy. My BH has stopped talking to her about it as well cuz when they did talk about it she would offer her opinion without listening to him.

we usually spend the holidays w both our families. BH has said if they aren't going to welcome me at the holidays we simply won't go...but I don't want to do that to him, his family, or our daughter. I would feel awful if he can't see his family becuase of me

TimeToManUp posted 10/27/2013 11:36 AM

I wish I could help you with this particular issue. In our case, my in-laws have been too dismissive of the situation, in my opinion. They took everything so lightly that my BW did not receive nearly enough support. In some ways they even take up MY side! Do I want a strained relationship with my in-laws like you have? I don't think so. But the way things have been handled in our case is equally awkward... Good luck to you.

StrongerOne posted 10/27/2013 13:56 PM

I don't think you need to keep discussing the A with your MIL. In fact, I don't think you should. Apologizing to her initially, reaching out, and acknowledging her pain and disappointment -- these are the right actions to have taken. At this point, I think your MIL needs to be out of your marriage. Treat her with kindness and respect. If she wants to talk to you about the A, you could do that. But I don't think you need to be bringing it up with her.

It is just going to take time for her to accept you again, and perhaps she will not ever get over it. It may always be awkward.

If she's treating you badly, then it's on your BH to talk to her. If he's reconciling with you, then he needs her to not throw a wrench in it. If she's not treating you badly, then you will have to live with it.

Alyssamd24, I think you need to go to their house when your BH and DD go there. It's wrong for you to be staying at home, if you and your BH are reconciling.

I know you feel bad that your BH will not spend time with them on the holidays if his mom will not welcome you, but that's the right thing to do. He's standing up for you and for your marriage. I hope she will come to understand that, but if she doesn't, that's on her. Sounds mean...I say this as a BS, and as a spouse whose FIL could be really mean to me -- my H always told him to cut the crap, and wee didn't see them for a couple of years because it.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 2:00 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

jackson posted 10/27/2013 16:41 PM

I suspect that only your H will be able to take care of this problem. He needs to sit down with his M and explain to her that he intends to spend the rest of his life with you. He should tell her that your kids are/will be impacted by her atitude and unles she is able to change she very likely will lose out on her relationshp with the grandkid(s) and him(her son). If she is unable to deal with it then it will be her loss.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/27/2013 18:53 PM

I am just curious why you think it's wrong that I don't go to their house with my BH and DD?

The reason I ask is I think it's not fair for me to go to their house when I know they don't want me there.

I think that after everything I have done to my BH he shouldn't have to lose his relationship with his parents because of me doesn't seem fair that he and our DD should continue to suffer because of my horrific decisions.

StrongerOne posted 10/27/2013 20:39 PM

Alyssamd, it's not good for you to always stay home when your H and DD visit your in laws because you're being excluded from a family visit. If you and your H were separating, then that's reasonable. But you're not. Your MIL is not letting you be part of your own family (you, your H, and your DD). That's wrong.

I also think that it is giving your DD the message that mom isn't good enough to visit with her paternal grandparents. That grandma doesn't like mom, so were just going to leave mom out.

You don't have to go over every time. But to never or almost never go? That's your MIL butting into your marriage. It's wrong for her to exclude her son's wife, especially since her son wants to reconcile with you.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/28/2013 09:39 AM

Thank you stronger for clarifying. I agree, and will start involving myself when they go over if possible. If I'm able to!!

I suppose I should bring this all up with my BH but don't know how to without sounding like I'm whining.

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