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Detachment, do you ever love again?

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suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/26/2013 17:25 PM

I feel as if Ive detached from my WH. I honestly dont really care if were together or not. If we separated today I wouldnt cry over it. I cant see myself without him but I dont feel like I love him anymore. I dont wish he was with me when Im away from the house or miss him while hes at work. I dont call him on my home from work or look forward to his phone calls while hes on lunch anymore. Last night my mom had the kids at her house for the night. Instead of coming home and waking H up for sex like I would have before all this I crept into the room, quietly crawled into bed and went to sleep on the other side of the bed. I just dont care to be close to him anymore.

Once you start feeling this way is there any hope at all? Do you learn to love them again? Do you gradually fall back in love or fall in love with the 'new' them Or is it just done?

Sometimes I think that once we get through the holiday season Ill just leave him. I dont want the kids to go through a breakup during the holiday season. I want that to always be a happy time for them. Ive become really numb to every emotion lately. The only thing I have really felt for him recently is anger and disgust.

hobbeskat posted 10/26/2013 18:00 PM

Wish I could answer that. I feel like I love him in some way, but not at all the way I did. I hope it comes back.

thenon-goddess posted 10/26/2013 18:00 PM

For me, detachment led to separation and separation led to...happiness. Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I think you'll know when you're done. Good luck!

OldCow18 posted 10/26/2013 18:56 PM

I'm sliding quickly into detachment as well, so I can totally relate. I thought to myself today, what if he magically started doing every single thing right and finally got it, could I love again? I don't know, I just don't know. I can't imagine it. I can't imagine forgiving what's been done.

housenotahome posted 10/26/2013 19:30 PM

Hello suposd2b. What you're going through is completely normal, especially in the beginning. I've spent many days fantasizing what life would be like to be on my own, still do but not as much. Detaching for me was part of the mourning process. I missed who I was married to and now that person no longer exists and I don't know if he ever did, but that doesn't matter now because I have to see if I can fall in love with my new H. I still love and care very deeply for my H, that never went away and I suspect that you still love your H because

I cant see myself without him
and you're trying to R. I've detached because I felt like I was married to a stranger. I also did it because he could change his mind about R because I was no longer the same person. Detachment is one of many defense mechanisms you will have the pleasure of experiencing. Even with my remorseful spouse, the fantasy of leaving came in cycles, especially the "after the dreaded holidays" fantasy. It has been happening less lately. He works hard every day to fix himself and I am starting to enjoy his company. The jury is still out on everything but I am starting to feel a positive presence, but we'll see if that changes tomorrow.
You're very brave for giving him another chance and I hope you tell yourself that every day.

broken <3 posted 10/26/2013 19:41 PM

I feel the same way. He just recently got a tattoo on his ring finger of my initials (we were engaged but he abandoned me). I just don't feel anything for him. He keeps pressing me to say "I love you" to him but it's just not there. I think I'm suffering from postpartum depression too. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I'm in the same boat as you. And it truly sucks.

needrespect posted 10/26/2013 20:27 PM

I could have written this post exactly the same. I have told WH that he has until February to figure out a way to make me want to stay. He has been doing all he can for R but it is never enough for me. He can not undo the damage and I fear this was all a deal breaker. Time will tell.

(((suposd2btheonly1)))

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/27/2013 13:55 PM

Its nice, and heartbreaking at the same time, to know my feelings are normal and that I'm not the only one experiencing them.

He had to have a meeting at work today and OW was there, idk if I even care anymore.

What a sad way to feel.

Thank you all for the replies, they mean so much to me.

ShatteredLove00 posted 10/27/2013 14:08 PM

I missed who I was married to and now that person no longer exists and I don't know if he ever did.

and
I've detached because I felt like I was married to a stranger.

Wow, these describe me exactly. My husband did something that I just feel is unforgivable. And then I found out that not only did he do the terrible, disgusting thing, but that he's been lying and keeping secrets about online sexual activities - including looking up Craigslist NSA sex ads since a couple months after we got married - for the last 8 years. I feel like it's all been a lie, that the person I thought I was married to never existed. It's a horrible reality and this person that I live with now seems like a roommate that I basically can't stand to even look at but am tied to in so many ways. It makes me sad to think about leaving, but it makes me really sad to think about staying and feeling like this for the rest of my life. Someone said, would you be happier with your WS or without them? At this point, I am feeling like it would be without him. :( What makes me sad is losing the man that I loved. But not the man he turned out to be.

brokendancer7 posted 10/27/2013 14:47 PM

I know it bothers FWH that I don't say "I love you" anymore. But I said it, texted it all the time and wrote it often, up to DD. All of a sudden, I didn't know what the hell I was married to any more, so how could I say I loved it? We have been together so long that I am attached at some level, but right now, it's not romantic love. I hope i can feel it again over time.

toughernow posted 10/27/2013 15:31 PM

Do you ever love again?

I have never stopped loving him. Not even for a minute, not even when I was throwing up in the toilet at the thought of the two of them together. There have been times when I wished, even prayed to stop loving him so that I could walk away from this wreckage. I have actually prayed for that level of detachment

I have stopped liking him, I have stopped trusting him, I have stopped believing in him. These were the things that were lost in the fire.
When people say that love alone will not pull a couple though this kind of trauma (JMO) I think they are right.

My love for fWH has never been in question. The question for me is how do I get those other feelings back.

[This message edited by toughernow at 3:33 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

NotDefeatedYet posted 10/27/2013 16:45 PM

That's the way I am. When were not together, I get where I dread having to see her again. When we are home together, it's just kind of blah. She does her thing and I do mine. I don't know that I'll ever feel anything like I did before. I think I just sort of feel indifferent towards her.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 10/27/2013 17:33 PM

I used to hate my work hours, although swing shift is much better than graveyard, but I love them now. Well love/hate. I like that when i get home WH is asleep and I don't have to deal with him. I hate it bc it limits my time with the kids though.

Going home at night to him isn't as exciting as it used to be. If he ever waits up for me I want to go someplace else.

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