SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

**Posting as a member***

Trigger season is upon many of us, myself included.

FWH exchanged phone numbers with COW right about this time three years ago. It went PA on Dec 17th, 2010, and DDay was Dec 19th, 2010. Six days before my DD's first Christmas.

All of the holidays were hard that year. FWH started talking about divorcing me out of the blue and I spent the months panicking - trying to get him to love me again. All while trying to be strong and loving for my months-old daughter.

The holidays after DDay were hard, not only for the triggers but for feeling awful that I couldn't be as strong or happy for my daughter as I wanted to.

Last year, things were a bit better, but still hard. FWH wasn't actively trying to help dispel triggers but he was working on himself through counseling - so there was that.

This year he was supposed to be the "cruise director" for the holidays. I knew that this was not really going to happen, and I was trying to temper plans in as dates got close with no effort in sight. Asking him if he had made plans resulted in a very defensive, angry response that I was not giving him time and breathing down his throat.

So Halloween is coming up, and I want to take DD to a pumpkin patch. So I plan for us all to go today. I square it with FWH earlier in the week. He's fine with it. EXCEPT for just today he has things he wants to do in the garage. He also wants to mount our new TV - today. Not tomorrow, today. I offer to switch the pumpkin patch to tomorrow, or for him to skip. Tomorrow he has plans, and he doesn't want to be left out of something DD and I do.

Even though I have been very clear that I have difficulty with being put on his "to do" list because I come in last and/or he gets impatient if his items aren't done first, I try to be open. After all, compromise is the key here.

Well, we spent the first half of the day driving around looking for a wall mount, sweet DD asking "Is THIS the punkin patch?" every time we got to a new location.

We get to the pumpkin patch, and FWH spends the entire time rushing us around. No time for being selective about pumpkins, just grab one and go. DD wants to play in a dried-corn pit, ant that is met with a heaving sigh and hands on hips while she plays.

I'm getting anxious, because I just want to have fun with DD but FWH's mood is escalating.

We get home, and it is time for DD's nap. Which pisses FWH off because he wants to power drill that sucker on the wall NOW. We argue about that, and he drills while I read her books in her room.

I come out, and I try to talk tohim about how the holidays are hard for me and his attitude today has made things harder. I remind him that he promised to try and help make these times happier for the family, and he's been acting like a bachelor inconvenienced by other people cramping his day. He alternates between ignoring me, and the terrifyingly NPD type responses like, "Oh yeah, well you're not perfect either." or "I was nice the whole time - I told you this is what I wanted to do today."

So apparently the whole point here is not me triggering or trying to have a nice holiday. Apparently this is about how I oppress him and don't let him hang TV's the second he wants to.

So I cry on the stairs, and he stares at me and then asks if I need anything at the store. I'm almost shocked at the robotic ness. I told him nothing and he then says "Ok, I'll be back in a bit."

And leaves.

Historically I would have yelled at him about how much it sucks to be married to someone who brings NOTHING to the family from a happiness standpoint.

Yes, I'm grateful that he funds us and will "babysit" DD when I ask. But there's no family time effort apart from coming along for the ride. No dinners, no music, no projects, no holidays, no trips. Nothing.

Historically I would have yelled this and cried harder. Today I just laid my head down on the top step and let him go - and go he did.

I guess you call this a roadbump. Right now I just need to pull my shit together and give DD the best "Pumpkin Party" I can because dammit she deserves someone showing her a good time.

Sigh. Thanks for listening.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:02 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

(((Jrazz)))

Tomorrow, FWH has plans yes? I say you surprise DD to pumpkin patch visit number 2. She'll think it's awesome to get to go again.

((((JRazz & DD))))

I'm sorry Razzie.

I'm with cayc. Make your own memories with Little Miss.

cayc...

Perfect idea!

Nothing wrong with some Mommie only time.

Hopefully she will come home talking about what a great time "me and Mommy" had.

But, of course, you are wanting to do this as a family.

I'm sorry for this hard time.

Is it possible that this is a trigger time for him too? Maybe he is anticipating your pain, and trying to keep distance to prevent it - as if it would!

I don't know - but I hope you can work it out!

(((Jrazz))) - That selfish streak during the holidays, on top of it being Antiversary time is tough. Not sure what it is about self-centered people and holidays but I totally relate to that part of your post. Take care of yourself and your lovely DD. I always take comfort in the what my children's therapist told me when they were younger, it only takes one healthy parent for children to turn out ok. So you keep on doing all of the things you need to for your DD.

[This message edited by Missymomma at 7:48 PM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Thanks ladies.

(((jrazz)))

Sorry ((Jrazz)), he's being really insensitive. Sigh…

I hope you can talk it through with him. You know, he really should get it by now.

((((Jrazz))))

Big hugs.

I am so sorry jrazz. Sending you thoughts of strength.

((Jrazz))

I'm so sorry. I can completely identify with this being a rough time of year.

The pumpkin patch should be a magical place!

My vote is to do the pumpkin party with your little one, whether he participates or not. Maybe add a special twist and bring a thermos of hot cocoa or something.

These little ones grow so fast. It's okay to do whatever you need to in order to make the day special for her, and create those special memories.

Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this roadbump. Sending you strength and hoping that the rest of your weekend goes better.

(((Jrazz)))

I am sorry. I don't think FWH would be invited along to anymore of the "special" holiday (or any other event)with DD until he can behave as a patient and understanding father who is making the event all about his DD.

If hanging the tv is more important than dd. He can spend all the time he wants with the tv.

Thanks for taking the time.

As per EVERY other event like this, he is trying to talk to me about the weather while being dad of the century all of a sudden. ("I'll do the bath!! I'll read her books!! This is the normal, involved me!! See!!") Oy.

If I don't talk about the weather, I will get the "What's wrong?" and I cannot take that right now.

Put on a happy face. Carved some pumpkins. Watched some Charlie Brown. Kissed my sweet DD and thanked God for her and all I have, including you all.

Thanks for getting me through. I hope you all have a peaceful rest of your weekend.

(((((((Jrazz)))))))

I'm sorry. Did he notice that you let him go and didn't do what you typically do?

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Hugs,

K

Oh how many times we have to put on a happy face.

(((((jrazz)))))

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you that would sooth your pain. Unfortunately I don't. Just know that I am here for you.

(((Jrazz)))

This makes me so sad.

I'm a grandfather now.

THE one thing that dogs me to this day is the time

I will never have back with my boys.

I wish I could make him "C".

Show him how my heart hurts.

Ahh razz.

Jrazz....

I'm trying to be gentle and understanding and I do realize that the two of you are trying to work through this.

But I have to ask this.

Why are you choosing this as your life and the life of your daughter?

Pretty much any other poster and the majority of people would be advocating holding Crazz's feet to the fire or for you to leave.

My kids and I lived this life because I (like you) loved my FWH and this was the way I though it was. But I found out it didn't have to be this way and I made FWS accountable for his actions and stopped taking his crap.

Jrazz....FWS's selfishness has profoundly affected my kids and I'm not talking about his cheating. I'm talking about "doing my things/doing them this way/doing them now/token family interaction" that I see Crazz doing. They learned that is how a family/parents interact and I can see the same behaviors in them now that they are in their mid-twenties.

Think hard Jrazz. Don't repeat my life.

{{{{many hugs and a kiss on the top of your head}}}}

k9

I agree with k9. I might have missed it, but are you going to talk to him about this or rug sweep it?

Do you want a life that revolves around walking on eggshells and appeasing your WH? Does he have consequences for this type of behavior?

If you noticed his demeanor at the pumpkin patch, your DD also noticed it. Children are extremely perceptive.

[This message edited by Kierst13 at 10:45 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]

(((Jrazz)))

I'm so sorry...I hate to see you upset and so unsure of things

re-read K9's post...she's such a wise and loving woman.

I wish I was there to give you a big hug, I love you and I'm sending you peaceful thoughts and strength.