**Posting as a member***
Trigger season is upon many of us, myself included.
FWH exchanged phone numbers with COW right about this time three years ago. It went PA on Dec 17th, 2010, and DDay was Dec 19th, 2010. Six days before my DD's first Christmas.
All of the holidays were hard that year. FWH started talking about divorcing me out of the blue and I spent the months panicking - trying to get him to love me again. All while trying to be strong and loving for my months-old daughter.
The holidays after DDay were hard, not only for the triggers but for feeling awful that I couldn't be as strong or happy for my daughter as I wanted to.
Last year, things were a bit better, but still hard. FWH wasn't actively trying to help dispel triggers but he was working on himself through counseling - so there was that.
This year he was supposed to be the "cruise director" for the holidays. I knew that this was not really going to happen, and I was trying to temper plans in as dates got close with no effort in sight. Asking him if he had made plans resulted in a very defensive, angry response that I was not giving him time and breathing down his throat.
So Halloween is coming up, and I want to take DD to a pumpkin patch. So I plan for us all to go today. I square it with FWH earlier in the week. He's fine with it. EXCEPT for just today he has things he wants to do in the garage. He also wants to mount our new TV - today. Not tomorrow, today. I offer to switch the pumpkin patch to tomorrow, or for him to skip. Tomorrow he has plans, and he doesn't want to be left out of something DD and I do.
Even though I have been very clear that I have difficulty with being put on his "to do" list because I come in last and/or he gets impatient if his items aren't done first, I try to be open. After all, compromise is the key here.
Well, we spent the first half of the day driving around looking for a wall mount, sweet DD asking "Is THIS the punkin patch?" every time we got to a new location.
We get to the pumpkin patch, and FWH spends the entire time rushing us around. No time for being selective about pumpkins, just grab one and go. DD wants to play in a dried-corn pit, ant that is met with a heaving sigh and hands on hips while she plays.
I'm getting anxious, because I just want to have fun with DD but FWH's mood is escalating.
We get home, and it is time for DD's nap. Which pisses FWH off because he wants to power drill that sucker on the wall NOW. We argue about that, and he drills while I read her books in her room.
I come out, and I try to talk tohim about how the holidays are hard for me and his attitude today has made things harder. I remind him that he promised to try and help make these times happier for the family, and he's been acting like a bachelor inconvenienced by other people cramping his day. He alternates between ignoring me, and the terrifyingly NPD type responses like, "Oh yeah, well you're not perfect either." or "I was nice the whole time - I told you this is what I wanted to do today."
So apparently the whole point here is not me triggering or trying to have a nice holiday. Apparently this is about how I oppress him and don't let him hang TV's the second he wants to.
So I cry on the stairs, and he stares at me and then asks if I need anything at the store. I'm almost shocked at the robotic ness. I told him nothing and he then says "Ok, I'll be back in a bit."
Historically I would have yelled at him about how much it sucks to be married to someone who brings NOTHING to the family from a happiness standpoint.
Yes, I'm grateful that he funds us and will "babysit" DD when I ask. But there's no family time effort apart from coming along for the ride. No dinners, no music, no projects, no holidays, no trips. Nothing.
Historically I would have yelled this and cried harder. Today I just laid my head down on the top step and let him go - and go he did.
I guess you call this a roadbump. Right now I just need to pull my shit together and give DD the best "Pumpkin Party" I can because dammit she deserves someone showing her a good time.
Sigh. Thanks for listening. "Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron
Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16