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the truth sure can hurt

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cantaccept posted 10/26/2013 20:23 PM

I have had a lot of questions spinning in my head.

One I asked h tonight. I had the answer in my head already, my belief so I figured I had nothing to lose. I already believed it so if he could say it wasn't true it would be a gain. My gamble.

I asked him if he told her he didn't love me.

Yes, he told her he didn't love me.

I think what hurts more is when I told him that hurts to hear, his response, "I know".

Not feeling so good right now. Took a pill and hopefully sleep will follow soon.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 10/26/2013 20:31 PM

(((cantaccept)))

Tinker01 posted 10/26/2013 20:43 PM

((Hugs)) I really thought I wanted to know all the details. Now that I know the most of the details.. I am not sure if knowing hurt or help .

cantaccept posted 10/26/2013 21:32 PM

I think the worst part is his response to me. Nothing. No empathy, no apologies.

I feel so alone right now. Like he still has no clue or just doesn't care that much.

wolf_heart posted 10/27/2013 01:30 AM

((((cantaccept))))

Have you told him his lack of emotion causes further pain?

Let him know that when you say things like that it is the perfect time to reassure you that he doesn't still feel that way, that he is sorry and he doesn't want you to feel that kind of pain again.

He needs to own up to what he did, accept responsibility and then help in your healing process. Without all three you don't have R.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/27/2013 01:34 AM

I don't think this can ever not hurt. My fwh told ow he did love me. Didn't stop them though.
And if that's love then I don't want it
Tell him how much you're hurting. They just don't get it.

Much love to you

devasted30 posted 10/27/2013 06:19 AM

Yes, the truth sure can hurt, but isn't it better than the lies? It's possible that your WS knows that you are hurting just doesn't have a clue how much and how to help you. If push comes to shove and if the truth is going to hurt I know I'd rather have the truth than lies. Finding out about the lies hurts so much more when you've invested more time and effort into R and find out that you are still being lied to.
So, yes the truth hurts, but would you rather he lied? Possibly it's a good sign??? At least, he didn't lie and I'm sure he knew it was going to hurt.

cantaccept posted 10/27/2013 09:27 AM

Yes the truth hurts. Yes I do want the truth.

I guess I just wish the truth could be made easier to stomach when it is served with compassion and remorse.

wolf_heart posted 10/27/2013 10:07 AM

I think what WS fail to realize is that the true is better than what our imagination can come up with too.
Not to mention the lie is what damages us. The truth at least is something we can deal with and overcome eventually. With their help if they really want R. However, we don't heal from lies, they only devastate us more.

blakesteele posted 10/27/2013 10:38 AM

(((Cantaccept)))

There simply are no ways to soften the pain of such truths.

I can't find any to comfort the aftermath of you hearing this truth. I just wanted to let you know I feel similar pain from the truths that are part of my life now due to my wife's choices and subsequent actions.

I pray for all of us and you specifically this morning.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:39 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]

lost_in_toronto posted 10/27/2013 10:48 AM

(((cantaccept)))

Truths such as this are the ones that hurt me the most. My WS said similar things. He also found it really hard to know how to provide comfort for the pain he caused, especially in those first brutal moments of discovery.

Time has helped, but the memory still stings.

sisoon posted 10/27/2013 11:18 AM

Very gently - don't expect empathy from a WS for a long time. If they had any to start with, they wouldn't have cheated, and it takes quite some time to learn empathy as a new skill.

It's got to be an additional level of hell to go back and forth. Be gentle with yourself - I think ambivalence is better than ending a relationship before you're certain it's irretrievable.

You're right in the middle of working on yourself. If you're not sure where you'll be in 1, 3, 6, 24 months, waiting and watching isn't necessarily the worst thing to do.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:18 AM, October 27th (Sunday)]

cantaccept posted 10/27/2013 12:29 PM

More patience???

Can I purchase that in bulk somewhere?

I really, really, need to sleep, I am getting punchy.

blakesteele posted 10/27/2013 12:32 PM

Very gently - don't expect empathy from a WS for a long time. If they had any to start with, they wouldn't have cheated, and it takes quite some time to learn empathy as a new skill.

Well stated Sisoon. Took me the better part of 10 months to accept that fact. A WS is devoid of empathy....only care about themselves. Both my wife and her AP dropped their kids off at school then immediately met to nurture their A.... Their own kids were not enough to disrupt their selfish desires and motives. To have empathy a person must be able to stop thinking about themselves long enough to think about another.

The truth that our own children, and the nothing but negative affect adultery would have on them, were not enough motivation to cause my wife to end her A is so very painful. But it is the truth and I can process this over time. It is so painful when I look at our daughters and see how our marital friction due to my wife's A is affecting them.... But this is workable too.

It is not fair....our role in healing the damage from our spouses affairs...but it is an impossible task if the lies continue. At least with the truths of our spouses affairs we can mature due to the pain. With lies we are sentenced to just plain old suffering. And with that suffering we stagnate in our personal growth.

God be with us all.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:46 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Jrazz posted 10/27/2013 12:53 PM

Very gently - don't expect empathy from a WS for a long time. If they had any to start with, they wouldn't have cheated, and it takes quite some time to learn empathy as a new skill.

Needed to hear this today sisoon. Thanks.

AML04 posted 10/27/2013 13:34 PM

^^^^I never thought of this...I needed to hear it. Thanks Sisoon.

crossroads2010 posted 10/27/2013 17:10 PM

I am not sure if some people ...WS included...ever really develop empathy. I don't think my H is ever going to understand how I feel no or how I felt b/c he has never experienced it. The WS can't fully understand the shock of the A to the blindsided BS...and then how every new piece of information is just as devastating. They know the details...the timeline...what was said.I must have said a dozen times "What if the situation was reversed...what would you do and how would you feel?" All he ever said was that he didn't know how he would react...except that he'd probably want to kill the guy and that he really wouldn't want to know. I have just had to accept tat he may never have the empathy and remorse I want him to...and yes this is hard to accept. I have read about WSs having "ah ha" mommebts where they suddenly get it, but I don't know where these come from or how to get my H to have one.
As for the fact that he told her he didn't love you...he may have thought he meant it at the time, or maybe he knew it wasn't true but seemed like the thing to tell her. I read things that my H said to OW that hurt me greatly, but some of it was not true. For example, he told her we would not be intimate unless I initiated it...he initiated all the time. He lied to her as well as me on more than one occasion....it is all part of the dual life of the A fog.

Raven96 posted 10/27/2013 20:22 PM

I am so sorry that you were hurting last night. Hopefully you got a good night's sleep and today was much better for you.

I love what sisoon said. They have to learn empathy, and it takes a long time. So true! Keep taking those baby steps!

(((cantaccept)))

sodamnlost posted 10/27/2013 20:47 PM

Yes, he told her he didn't love me.

I think what hurts more is when I told him that hurts to hear, his response, "I know".

(((((((Hugs))))))

Totally get his reaction being almost worst. The look on WH's face when he told me he loved his AP is burned into my brain. No emotion, none. So sad how much denial causes so much pain.

bionicgal posted 10/27/2013 22:18 PM

Ugh - I hate that feeling when you hear the horror that was going on behind your back. If it helps at all, it really doesn't feel better when the OW knows your H loves you. The OW in our situation was a friend, so she knew quite well that H and I both loved each other, and that he wasn't planning on leaving me. That is a special kind of crazy-making, I can tell you.

But doesn't your H's "I know," show some kind of empathy? Maybe he doesn't know what to say beyond that. . have you tried asking him how he feels when he talks about it? I know my H feels tremendous shame, that can look like aloofness if I don't press him on it. What would be even more important to hear, is how your H feels about it now. Our conversations usually go something like this:

Did X happen? Response: (usually horrible - I am not one of those people who usually finds out reality is better than my imagination. Gut wrenching.)

How did you feel about it then? Response: (Also, usually bad. Usually something I don't want to hear. Ick and disgust.)

How do you feel about it now? Response: (Generally makes me feel much better - not the same as when he was in his delusional state.)

There are hundreds of deleted emails between my H and OW that he deleted before he told me. I am quite sure that I don't ever need to know what they said. I think for most of us, we can assume that our spouses were out of their minds for a period of time -- high on infatuation. It is a shame how something as wonderful as the idea of love can be perverted to feed hurt egos and self-delusion.

So, I guess the question is, is how meaningful is this "new" information, anyway?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:51 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

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