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what comforts h - doesn't do much for me

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cantaccept posted 10/27/2013 04:56 AM

Last night during a discussion h told me that he takes comfort in the fact that he waited to have sex with ow until after he moved out.

He says it makes him feel better about what he did because that is a line he did not cross. A moral he did not violate.

He was asking me if that made a difference to me, made what he did not so bad.

NO. It does not do one tiny thing for me. He started an emotional affair while married and living with me. He deceived me. When confronted he chose her over me and walked out the door for two months. He left because of her, because he thought she was better, (his words). He left so that he could feel justified in dating and having sex with someone else while married to me.

I told him all of this, also that he broke his vows. His instant response was, "don't throw vows at me, you broke your vows". This is my 3rd marriage, yup, not a good track record for me.

1st, wanted to be with other women. At least he came to me first and gave me a choice. I divorced him.

2nd, cheated after 10 years, while I was pregnant with my youngest. I stayed for 10 more years, 3 young boys and fear of not being able to provide for them. We lived as antagonistic roommates for 10 years, very ugly, not healthy for anyone involved.

Current h, I trusted him, really trusted him, shared everything about my life with him, everything. He still saw the good in me until he didn't.

Anyway he is saying that I broke my vows too so I have no right to say anything to him about vows. B***S***!!!

This is making me so angry. He is still trying to minimize and justify. He is trying to ease his conscious by telling me and himself that I have broken my vows too.

This is a man that hasn't got a clue. This is a man in denial. This is a man who is not remorseful. This is a man looking for excuses.

This is never going to work.
This is a man that cannot handle the truth.

This is a woman that is strong enough to handle the truth. I know the truth even when he is telling lies. He is telling lies to me and even worse, to himself.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/27/2013 05:00 AM

It is minimising crap
I'm glad you see that and hope you called him on it big style.
I get it. They are so full of shit at times.
Xxx

cantaccept posted 10/27/2013 05:19 AM

He needs to see it for himself. I have no control over this.

Marathonwaseasy posted 10/27/2013 05:21 AM

Exactly right.
It's so hard though
Sometimes we can say stuff that helps but basically denial is very strong and you have no control
Take care of you in all this (I'm not doing too well on that myself but I know it's vital)

Smokehouse posted 10/27/2013 06:03 AM

It is sad he finds comfort in the pain he brought to you. You are a survivor is what he should have said.

I hope he starts treating you like the woman you are. He is still justifying his actions, hopefully he wakes up and realizes that.

I wish you the best and the love you deserve.

Kelany posted 10/27/2013 09:13 AM

Wait...what? How did you break your vows? I'm not following his logic here at all.

cantaccept posted 10/27/2013 09:24 AM

He is saying I broke my vows by getting divorced. It is a vow for life.

I told him infidelity, even in the Bible, is reason for divorce.

He does not agree.

I think he is trying to say that I have no right to say he broke his vow to me since I have broken vows in the past.

Makes no sense to me either. I think it is just an attempt to minimize? justify?

AML04 posted 10/27/2013 13:40 PM

Doesn't make sense at all!! In a legal contact if someone violates it the other party doesn't have to honor it anymore. I believe it is the same in a marriage. I made vows to my husband but he chose to break his. If I decided I couldn't R, I don't think he can say I broke my vows, no way! Your WH is definitely justifying. Oh and just because he waited to have sex with OW doesn't mean he didn't want to and for me that's just about as bad as doing it.

Scubachick posted 10/27/2013 13:41 PM

The only vow that matters is the one you made to each other. How dare he even go there.

LA44 posted 10/27/2013 15:26 PM

This is a woman that is strong enough to handle the truth. I know the truth even when he is telling lies. He is telling lies to me and even worse, to himself

Yes he is lying to himself. He is comfortable doing so.

I am glad to read this quote from you. Keep moving forward with your life ca. You are on the right track. He de-railed long ago.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:27 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

JKL Vikings posted 10/29/2013 11:32 AM

People minimize because they don't want to "own their s---"
With my OW I didn't go "all the way " with full intercourse. Doesn't make what my cheating not as bad. Or hurt the Alpha Female any less. I offer the following example and my apologies if I offend. What if one of your loved ones was brutally raped ? Then the one who did it said "But I didn't do....."
Is it any comfort AT ALL?

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