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Am I guilty?

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Thefly559 posted 10/27/2013 09:33 AM

I was removed from my home and made to feel like a crazy man , she destroyed my self confidence and took me to the lowest place EVER in my 40 years of existence. She served me papers on my 9 th wedding anniv. And she told me if she served me papers that she is now allowed to do what she wants! I guess after being caught in a hotel at 2am got her pretty mad! So that was some backround. We are 7 months into divorce and she has had a boyfriend since two years prior ! So I wasn't sure if it was time or not but I figured lets get moving! So I went on first real date last night and before I went the guilt was consuming. I felt guilt and sadness and I kept thinking I was doing wrong! Is this normal? She has a f--king boyfriend!!! I compared the date with stbxww often. Not out loud of course. The date went well she was really nice and easy to talk to. But she was not my ex! It's not fair that I feel guilty. It's not fair I am so broken! I apologized crying to a photo of my kids before the date ! Is that normal. Have you guys experienced this? Thanks

suckstobeme posted 10/27/2013 10:20 AM

I don't know the exact timeline of your story but I see that you registered here in August. If your DDay was close to that time, you are really new to all of this and I would say your reaction to the date is normal.

The "normal" being that you're not ready.

Yes, your ww has a boyfriend and it's unfair that she got to move on without a blip. The problem is that she started that process way ahead of you. At the time she started checking out, you had no idea. You can't compare yourself to her.

That feeling of guilt just means its not time yet. You're not healed enough yet. Try as you might, you found out that you can't just fill her space and you can't rush this crappy process.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing. You're just not in a place where you can enjoy this choice to date. The guilt is just your mind's way of reminding you to slow down, feel the feelings, get through the grief and then go back to try dating again when you feel more confident and more excited about the prospect of meeting someone special.

Don't be so hard on yourself. There is no manual or guide for this. Trust your feelings and know that you are not alone.

inconnu posted 10/27/2013 10:45 AM

imo, you don't have anything to feel guilty about, but since that is what you're feeling, I'd say you're just not healed enough to be dating.

There is no timeline for this. Everyone heals at their own rate. Don't rush it. Taking the quick and easy route may seem like the solution, but in the long run, it only prolongs the healing process.

When you're truly ready to date, you won't feel guilty. You might feel other things, like anxious and awkward, but you won't feel like you're the one cheating on your marriage vows.

It gets better. Unfortunately it takes time. Allow yourself to grieve, and to heal. Live your life according to what's best for you, not compared to what your stbx is doing.

ladies_first posted 10/27/2013 16:24 PM

I apologized crying to a photo of my kids before the date ! Is that normal.

I won't comment of normal, but if you're crying BEFORE the date begins, you're not ready to open your heart and be vulnerable.

I compared the date with stbxww often. Not out loud of course. The date went well she was really nice and easy to talk to. But she was not my ex!

See above.


Thefly559 posted 10/27/2013 17:06 PM

I thank you for the responses. I don't post topics often but I was in bad shape last night. I pulled through and we had a nice date. But you guys and gals are right. Unfortunately I am so the guy who wants to run before I walk. I am trying hard to acquire the patience to heal. As you all know the roller coaster is crazy and in predictable. I am so scared. But I usually never run from fear I embrace it. Now I guess I need to embrace it real slow. It is so not fair . Hopefully there is a rainbow at the end of this mess. It is also not fair to the woman I date to get me damaged. I need to repair. Work in progress.

phmh posted 10/27/2013 19:28 PM

It is also not fair to the woman I date to get me damaged. I need to repair.

Speaking as someone who was hurt by a guy who wasn't ready to date, this is so true.

And now he's in worse shape than he would have been had he not been out trying to date because he feels bad about hurting me and he knows he blew a chance for things to work out between us.

You will not regret the time you spend alone, working on yourself and healing. That is a promise.

I remember thinking it was unfair that XWH was with MOW, while I was alone. But since he didn't work on healing himself, he's still the same selfish person he always was, only now he's with a cheater instead of a loyal, honest person. It took me a while to really internalize that.

While alone, I reconnected with old friends, turned acquaintances into friends, and made new friends. I spent a lot of time with my parents and became much closer to them. I focused on my running and vastly improved my times which led to being sponsored by a running store and meeting even more people that way. I took up painting. I've had so many experiences solo that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I gained confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect. I healed, read a lot about relationships, and learned how to recognize yellow and red flags and act accordingly, so that when I am in another relationship, I won't find myself in the same predicament as I did with XWH.

You can't rush healing, and if you try, you're liable to get hurt and/or to hurt someone else.

You've got this!!!

Pass posted 10/27/2013 21:59 PM

I totally hear you on this, Fly. I had similar dating experiences shortly after our split. The Princess, on the other hand, has a new boyfriend who is paying to take her to Cuba for a week over xmas.

We may be broken, but dude, they're just fucked up.

It will take a long time, but we'll get through this.

9.10.11 posted 10/28/2013 06:10 AM

Completely normal, Fly. I remember going out to eat on my first date. I felt like I was the one cheating. I kept looking for someone that I knew that would wonder what was going on. Didn't last too long though as I thought about what the xww did.
Soon you will realize all the crap you put up with and that there really are good women out there that care more about others than themselves.
Good luck, Fly! Keep dating and have fun!

Confused1829 posted 10/29/2013 11:19 AM

Totally normal in this abnormal set of circumstances! An A is hard, divorce is hard, feeling like your life is going through a complete upheaval is hard. But you are handling everything beautifully, be kind to yourself.

Was it too soon to date? Probably, but we all make mistakes along this journey. I too, am someone that will run before I walk, and literally FORCE myself to move forward. Sometimes that means moving forward on things before I'm ready, but the upside is that the determination I have is also what has helped me to heal.

It is unfair that your xw already has a boyfriend. Trust me, I know that feeling! My xh is STILL with the whore he cheated on me with, 2 years later. It feels like they never grieved you and they happily moved forward with their live with zero consequences. But trust me, it's there. There life is their consequence. They haven't taken the time to heal what is so very broken inside of them and YOU deserve better. They are not whole people and the people they choose to be with are not whole people either, and that dysfunctional co-dependent life is not what you want. It may seem like all roses for them now, but trust me, you'll be better off in the long run. Someday they may realize that their band-aids aren't long term solutions to their inner problems, or more likely, they'll be in denial about the source and move on to the next 'fix'.

For me, even though it was too early to date, I would still go out there and 'date' just to prevent myself from being a hermit and to propel myself forward. I wasn't looking for anything serious for a long time, I was just getting use to dating again. Some people have set rules on dating too soon, I think it's different for everyone. But you have to go with what makes YOU feel comfortable.

Hang in there, it's a marathon, not a sprint!

EvenKeel posted 10/29/2013 12:09 PM

Unfortunately I am so the guy who wants to run before I walk.

Yeah - don't do that or you will run right into a bad relationship that will compound and delay your healing.

The good news is you recognize your typically MO and you recognize that you need some healing time.

I know it is hard to wait out the healing time while our spouses run about like all is great in their new lives. Well, it is not so great there either. They are a broken person in a broken new relationship.

Good news is - that is not your problem anymore. Concentrate on yourself and you will get there!

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 12:10 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

TrulySad posted 10/29/2013 12:24 PM

Everyone here is right, with what they are saying. Great advice!

I just want to add that while you aren't ready to date, this doesn't mean you can't go out. Being single is so different than being in a marriage. When I went through losing my almost 22 year marriage to infidelity, it took a lot of changing on my end to survive.

I didn't want to date, but I needed to get out of the house. Maybe you could call some friends and go out as a group. Also, there's nothing wrong with heading out alone. I met some really wonderful people, and found I wanted to LIVE. It helped tremendously in my healing, and moving forward.

Your post was so familiar to me. I would cry alone, in my room, talking to my children who weren't there. I felt so guilty for taking away from them, the family they deserved. Truth be told though, my XWH took that life away from them, not me. But we still tend to carry the guilt.

Because we care...

I wish you well...

[This message edited by TrulySad at 12:25 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

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