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missing my H

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nicjean83 posted 10/27/2013 12:15 PM

He is sitting 4 feet away from me right now. I miss him, SO much. I can't believe how much I can miss somebody who is sitting right here!!!

Today marks only 3 weeks from D-day. My BH is nowhere near ready for me to touch him. We are R'ing. and are in MC. It's going to be a long road.

The day he lets me touch him again will be the best day of my life... i am so sorry...

Just thinking out loud.......

Jrazz posted 10/28/2013 20:26 PM

I hear you. If you can, try to turn this pain into positivity. When you miss him, try to do something kind for him that is within his boundaries. Favorite meal? Offer to go for a walk? Sometimes we can turn the pain into productivity if we spin it hard enough.

It's a long road - keep taking those steps. It's worth it.

courageous posted 10/28/2013 20:31 PM

Do you know what his love language is? If not find out. Try to show him how much you love him by speaking his language.

nicjean83 posted 10/28/2013 22:31 PM

ty both. things have changed drastically since this post. He out of nowhere in the middle of a fight kissed me. said HE has been missing me too much and couldn't take it any more. I love him so much. I broke down crying when this happend.... the guilt filled me up plus... as I said I love him sooo much.

Jrazz posted 10/28/2013 22:50 PM

They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothing. I'm glad he reached out to you, but prepare for him to pull away sometimes as well. Try to be a rock, as much for him as for you. When he withdraws, don't panic and say "If you don't want to be here I'm not going to try anymore" OR fall into a pit of guilt (which oftentimes slips further into self pity.)

He needs you to be there through upswings and dips. Take advantage when he kisses you, and when he can't muster a kiss in other times know that this is part of the process. You telling him you will be there no matter what will eventually help rebuild his feeling of security. You following through with actions will rebuild trust.

You can do this.

numb&dumb posted 10/29/2013 08:12 AM

One thing that my W had to "learn" is to cope with being rejected. I know it sounds odd considering the circumstance, but the rejection can be hard for a WW to take. The pursuit addressed the fear that the BH is not second choice and that the WW really does love him and wants to do whatever it takes to save the M. Actions. Transparency. Honesty. Individual progress. Most importantly at some point to cross the last "fear bridge" the BH needs to see why it will be different this time and a reason to stay beyond emotional reasons. This can be easily misinterpreted as selfish, but really it is self preservation and learning to look out for your own interests.

The thing is as often as you are "rejected" the attempt to close the gap is noticed and still does its intended effect. This can be difficult when he hits the anger stage.

Keep trying. The rejection your H feels is unbearable at times. It takes a lot of attempts, fits and starts before it moves to a more consistent pattern.

Keep working, success might not always be achieved, but effort counts and pays dividends later on.

Michael73 posted 10/29/2013 11:46 AM

HB was like a drug.. It made things disappear for a while and trust me, they come back. It has the effect that make you feel like now is not the time to talk about the issues. If you don't talk about them now they will only build up again. Much in the same way as what got us here in the first place.
The roller coaster ride that is a BS life is hard. Not knowing what's coming around the next bend is what make it the scariest rides I've ever been on. At some point the ride got less scary but the highs and lows haven't changed.

DefeatedDad posted 10/29/2013 12:22 PM

One thing that my W had to "learn" is to cope with being rejected. I know it sounds odd considering the circumstance, but the rejection can be hard for a WW to take. The pursuit addressed the fear that the BH is not second choice and that the WW really does love him and wants to do whatever it takes to save the M. Actions. Transparency. Honesty. Individual progress. Most importantly at some point to cross the last "fear bridge" the BH needs to see why it will be different this time and a reason to stay beyond emotional reasons. This can be easily misinterpreted as selfish, but really it is self preservation and learning to look out for your own interests.

Numb&dumb nailed it.

This is something you really need to wrap your head around nicjean83.

My situation was somewhat backwards to what is going on between you and your BH. I kicked my wife out the day I found out about her A, and I did not take her back for two months. She had wavered on the fence during that period until I filed for D and had her served. Well being faced with the true reality of D and the family splitting up, she literally dropped to her knees and begged me not to D her.

When she moved back we went through about three months or so of hysterical bonding. Hot passionate sex almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. It slowly petered off as R was underway.

Then about two weeks ago I found out my WW did things sexually with the OM that she had refused to do with me. Well that was like a second dday and I almost walked away right there.

Well we have agreed to continue R as long as we address the sexual issues, but what is strange is that, as of right now, I feel absolutely no sexual or physical attraction to my wife. None. In fact she is rather repellant to me right now. When I told her this a week or so ago it devastated her. Sometimes she'll try to hug me from behind and I will recoil from her. Not meaning to, its just the way I'm reacting.

I too am fighting the idea that I was plan B; that really what my fWW had was an exit affair that did not pan out, and that she was planning on leaving me anyway.

She of course assures me that she was not and is not wanting to leave; that for her the A was about MLC, validation and feeling good about herself. But I still have those thoughts that I may be her plan B, and that if another likel;y lad comes along she will drop me like a rock.

Your husband doesn't trust you. That is the beginning and the end of it. Trust will have to be earned back, and it may take years for him to have husbandly feelings towards you again. You have to show him every day through your actions that he is the only one for you and that you are in this for the long haul. I do not envy you the next couple of years. It is going to be a rolercoaster.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:23 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Michael73 posted 10/29/2013 12:50 PM

DefeatedDad,
Well put. It sucks being plan B.

anotherchance posted 10/29/2013 22:56 PM

I know exactly how you feel nicjean83. I feel it all the time myself. My BS and I have been intimate since Dday, but I'm always the one who initiates it. He's also rejected me a few times. That's the worst. It hurt so much, but nothing compared to how he must've felt during my A. I try to keep these things in the back of my mind. We're only 2 months out from Dday, so we have a long road ahead of us also.

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