One thing that my W had to "learn" is to cope with being rejected. I know it sounds odd considering the circumstance, but the rejection can be hard for a WW to take. The pursuit addressed the fear that the BH is not second choice and that the WW really does love him and wants to do whatever it takes to save the M. Actions. Transparency. Honesty. Individual progress. Most importantly at some point to cross the last "fear bridge" the BH needs to see why it will be different this time and a reason to stay beyond emotional reasons. This can be easily misinterpreted as selfish, but really it is self preservation and learning to look out for your own interests.
Numb&dumb nailed it.
This is something you really need to wrap your head around nicjean83.
My situation was somewhat backwards to what is going on between you and your BH. I kicked my wife out the day I found out about her A, and I did not take her back for two months. She had wavered on the fence during that period until I filed for D and had her served. Well being faced with the true reality of D and the family splitting up, she literally dropped to her knees and begged me not to D her.
When she moved back we went through about three months or so of hysterical bonding. Hot passionate sex almost every day and sometimes multiple times a day. It slowly petered off as R was underway.
Then about two weeks ago I found out my WW did things sexually with the OM that she had refused to do with me. Well that was like a second dday and I almost walked away right there.
Well we have agreed to continue R as long as we address the sexual issues, but what is strange is that, as of right now, I feel absolutely no sexual or physical attraction to my wife. None. In fact she is rather repellant to me right now. When I told her this a week or so ago it devastated her. Sometimes she'll try to hug me from behind and I will recoil from her. Not meaning to, its just the way I'm reacting.
I too am fighting the idea that I was plan B; that really what my fWW had was an exit affair that did not pan out, and that she was planning on leaving me anyway.
She of course assures me that she was not and is not wanting to leave; that for her the A was about MLC, validation and feeling good about herself. But I still have those thoughts that I may be her plan B, and that if another likel;y lad comes along she will drop me like a rock.
Your husband doesn't trust you. That is the beginning and the end of it. Trust will have to be earned back, and it may take years for him to have husbandly feelings towards you again. You have to show him every day through your actions that he is the only one for you and that you are in this for the long haul. I do not envy you the next couple of years. It is going to be a rolercoaster.
[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 12:23 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]