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Help: I'm ending it this week

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cece81 posted 10/27/2013 13:19 PM

The other man is my massage therapist. At first, it was completely professional. Every two week,s I would come in, get my massage, and leave. We barely even spoke.

I'm not really sure when it all changed. I just remembered looking forward to them more and more. And everytime, I go, felt incredibly nervous and happy. I tried to deny that it meant something--I've gotten plenty of massages before from the opposite sex, and I didn't really think anything of them, so I didn't think this person was a threat at all. We wouldn't say very much, but I can sense the tension growing in the room. It's almost as if we tried not to get to know each other because the attraction is too strong. Still I was in denial...even when his touches started to feel differently. Nothing happened for awhile...until about a month ago. We haven't completely done anything, but I know it has to stop before it goes even further.

I told my husband as soon as it happened. I told him that I started to have feelings for another man, that I didn't actively stop it, and that things almost happened. He doesn't know all the details--he said he doesn't want to know.

Because our situation is somewhat strange--we didn't talk much, we really tried not get to know each other-- my husband and I decided that it's best for me to find closure and to leave peaceably. My husband suggested I see him one more time, ask as many questions as possible to help me make sense of things, and to make peace with the situation. But I don't know where to begin.

I'm scared, sad, and completely distraught over this. Any suggestions would help me greatly. How did you end your (almost) affair?


notmeanymore posted 10/27/2013 13:33 PM

Whoa, what? You need to ask the masssage therapist questions before you stop going to him? I can not for the life of me think of one thing you need to ask this guy.

It's a bad idea and won't give you the peace you are looking for. In fact I see it being a doorway into making things waaaay worse. Don't do it is my advice.

LovesLaboursLost posted 10/27/2013 13:49 PM

I second that. Yay for telling your husband what was going on...but the om isn't the point. Why did YOU have these feelings for someone else?
Stay far far away from this guy...ita that this could backfire and knock you to the bottom of the slippery slope.

Card posted 10/27/2013 13:51 PM

How did I end my alcoholism? It certainly wasn't by going back to the bar for some closure.

How did I end my drug addiction? It certainly wasn't by hooking up with my dealer and chatting it up?

How did I end my affair? By eliminating ALL avenues of possible contact!

We call it 'No Contact'.

You do not go back to the lair of your sexual tension to stop the sexual tension.... You eliminate going there at all!

There is NO closure with this other man necessary other than closing the door on ever seeing or talking with him again. PERIOD!

cece81 posted 10/27/2013 14:12 PM

Thanks, everyone. We're taking the advice from these two articles:



Both suggest ending it with integrity (as ironic as that may sound). So, we're coming that from that angle--I don't feel comfortable just leaving and not knowing a lot of things, but all of you have a good point.

[This message edited by cece81 at 2:12 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

LovesLaboursLost posted 10/27/2013 14:35 PM

I read the articles. Ok sorry, but i have to disagree with this approach. "Treat your affair partner with dignity"? This person knew you were married and fooled around with you anyway, have i got it right? He isn't entitled to a damn thing from you. Hashing and rehashing all the feelings with your ap, telling him you'll "always care" but have to keep it "light and polite"? Um no. You owe your husband loyalty and fidelity. This guy? Nada.
Oh, and what you described is an affair. No "almost" about it.
Handling things the way you want to is very dangerous indeed.
Eta...who is "we"? You and your bh, or you and your ap?

[This message edited by LovesLaboursLost at 2:37 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Card posted 10/27/2013 15:11 PM

It's pretty easy for me to disagree with this authors approach when I know the reality is, contact usually leads to continued contact. Just ask all the BS's that have watched their WS 'Get Closure' and then go underground with the affair.

I read these articles too...

I really had to bite my tongue to prevent LMAO at this authors ridiculous ideas. What a quack!

cece81 posted 10/27/2013 15:38 PM

"We" = my husband and I

The other man doesn't know I'm married, so in some ways, I feel the need to explain.

But, it is very dangerous.

Card posted 10/27/2013 16:15 PM

Just because you've researched some quacks idea to support what YOU want to do doesn't make it = we..

Most of the waywards I know were very good at what we call gaslighting our Betrayed Spouse. We convinced them that because we told them about our attraction, that we must be telling the truth about everything else.
So NOT true.
Most waywards told just enough truth to our spouse to allow us to do what we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it!

A Good Book in the Healing Library called Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr. a leading expert in recovering from affairs, with over 30 years of experience, tells couples that immediate and complete separation of the affair partners is a must if you are going to survive this. No Contact! He also explains it's not dangerous to allow waywards to try for face to face closure, it's insanity!

Read the book!

If you are going to do this then your Betrayed Spouse needs to be present, otherwise it should be a NO!

If you're unwilling to have your betrayed spouse with you, then you're hiding the real facts.... He needs to be there!

Regardless of the meeting, I'd suggest that you and your H need to find the authorities over this professionals licensing and report him immediately. He is probably a predator and needs stopped.

[This message edited by Card at 4:35 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

OktoberMest posted 10/27/2013 16:56 PM

My husband suggested I see him one more time, ask as many questions as possible to help me make sense of things, and to make peace with the situation.

Huh? Really? What peace? You find the guy attractive and you're putting yourself into the situation to get what answers? He's you massuse- will you find peace if he says "I think you have a cute ass and it turns me on"...what exactly can be gained?

You say you didn't talk much, so why the need to talk now?

But I don't know where to begin.
That's just the point...this isn't a beginning, it's an ending. You end it by walking away and try and figure out what when wrong in you. You start buy stopping caring about this guy and care solely about your marriage.

[This message edited by OktoberMest at 5:00 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 10/27/2013 17:34 PM


I'm confused as to what happened between you and this say you barely talked to him and you haven't completely done anything...which I take that to mean you didnt actually have sex with him.

Can you be more specific with the details?

My other question is why does your BH want you to go and talk to him? And what about?

Like others said....there is no such thing as getting closure with an AP...everytime I tried to get closure with my AP it simply led to more talking...and the cycle continued.

cece81 posted 10/27/2013 22:06 PM


I think that that's exactly why this situation is confusing to me. We didn't talk much about our personal lives, but our attraction was growing for each other, and I think we both sensed it, and one day he acted on it, but I said no.

My husband thinks that, because it's weird situation, it would eat me up to not be able to say/ask things like: what happened? why do you think it happened? was this just a physical thing? i'm married-i'm sorry for letting it go too far. i wish you the best. whatever. So, he thinks an option is to confront and make peace, so that we can focus back in our marriage.

And maybe it would help to share that my husband was involved in an emotional affair a few years back, and we worked through it. I was distraught, angry. I felt betrayed, and I now find myself on this side of the fence. So, in some ways, he understands where I'm coming from, and he thinks that "ending things" is very different from "being at peace" with things. It wasn't until he has made amends/make peace--not just cut off ties--did he finally feel better about himself.

Perhaps another question I should now ask is: How did you make peace with yourself?

harrypotter posted 10/28/2013 03:56 AM

I have tried to wrap my head around this but I have to be honest I really can't. Going back to a person you yourself said you have a strong attraction too, and having a conversation, and expecting to make peace with it to be the outcome?? Do yourself and your husband a favor the first time he tries to convince you that there was something okay or right about any of this, please leave right then and there because there will be nothing left to talk about with him. Leave, never talk or see him again and talk and make peace with your husband. I feel like I might be coming off a bit hard but as I play this conversation out in my head "some from my own experience". I imagine this conversation containing a lot of " justification" for feelings or for the things that have happened. I don't see that bringing closure and peace in the long run I see it making things worse.

Alyssamd24 posted 10/28/2013 05:04 AM

It sounds like this was more of PA to me than an EA? What you have described sounds like it was just a physical attraction to an OM but no real conversation or connection with him? Is this right? And although he tried to take it to the next step you stopped him and wouldn't let it get to that level....I think I can somewhat understand where your husband is coming from, but still don't know that it's a good idea. I think maybe it's best to just forget the other guy and get MC for you and your husband.

In answer to your question, I have not made peace with is something I am continuously working on and trying to do. My A was a PA for two months and then evolved into an EA for another 8 months. I don't know that I will ever make peace with myself....

SlowUptake posted 10/28/2013 06:09 AM

I agree with the prevailing opinion here. Going back is a really bad idea.
Nothing will be accomplished.

The other man doesn't know I'm married, so in some ways, I feel the need to explain.

I would bet my life that he doesn't care whether your married or not.

We didn't talk much about our personal lives, but our attraction was growing for each other, and I think we both sensed it, and one day he acted on it, but I said no.

I would suggest you're not the first he "acted on" and I don't think you will be the last.
Not everybody says "no", unfortunately.

Well done for dodging that bullet.
Now don't screw up what you did right.

Herkemeyer posted 10/28/2013 08:06 AM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:18 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

nogoodap1 posted 10/28/2013 08:17 AM

I agree with everyone this is a BAD idea. And slow was right you are definitely not the first or the last. People like him use the "good feelings" that they give you as a way to open your legs. Happens all the time and not just with massage therapists, trainers at gyms use those same endorphins your body releases to take advantage of you. You wouldn't let some stranger off the street touch you on your body. Especially your inner thigh or around your breasts. But because you pay for it in a professional setting you think it's ok and normal. Just like strip clubs for guys...(don't get me started they are not ok, neither is a massage especially from the opposite sex) in short don't do it and figure out whats wrong with you. You owe this guy absolutely nothing... NOTHING and you owe your husband everything!!!! And if you are naive enough to feel you must, bring your husband. But as stated. This guy couldn't care that you are married plain an simple. Some of the guys at those places brag about their conquests and that's all you were. A pay check and possibly another notch on his belt to brag at work

dumbchick posted 10/28/2013 17:42 PM

Stay away! It will be a trigger for those unhealthy feelings. I had to go back to my previous job (where ex "other man" worked also). He wasn't even there and it triggered feelings. I had NC for three weeks until I went back. Don't do it!

cece81 posted 10/29/2013 13:24 PM

Thanks, everyone. I'm not going back. Wish me luck.

circe posted 10/29/2013 14:53 PM

Good luck in not returning to the therapist and working through the issues with your husband.

I just want to reinforce that the only place "closure" about romantic emotions can be said to happen is in your marriage. And in reality, it's not "closure" but perhaps more 'forgiveness and peace'.

Since you and the masseuse didn't ever talk, then having a real conversation would be adding a missing piece to your relationship. So I'm glad you chose not to further the problems by engaging even more in that relationship than you have already.

I hope your marriage finds some peace and understanding.

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