Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce 12-19-16
6 years ago, a scared, wounded woman who had been cheated on in EVERY relationship faced her biggest fears and got married. That's me. A 4 year relationship that was a major uphill battle to calm my fears about men and relationships was made "legit". The fear that morning is not something I will *EVER* forget.
I was recently saved, waiting in the back of the church and was FREAKING out. I wanted nothing more than to spend my life making the man waiting for me at the alter happy. That didn't stop my fears though. My photographer got a picture of me before I walked down the aisle and I remember wondering why she gave it to me - I looked TERRIFIED! I was.
I stood back there, praying. Reminding myself that my soon-to-be Husband was different than the rest. HE would never hurt ME. My God had told me what to do and I was walking in obedience and trusting both God and my almost-Hisband.
I was shaking. I was talking myself out of bolting. I was reminding myself just how different this relationship was. Two broken people had found each other and fought some of the most nasty demons together. I had a true companion waiting for me at the alter. It was time to start my new life. I swallowed hard and held my head high as I walked down the aisle.
I will never forget his face when he saw me. He looked so innocent and so beautiful. He couldn't take his eyes off me the whole ceremony. THIS man was who I had waited my whole life for.
Not even 3 years later, THIS man had made me into a monster in his head and pursued an affair. He took a woman who adored him and wanted nothing more than to make him happy and made her into all the nasty things HE was feeling. He stopped seeing ME 2 years after we said I do. The unspeakable, the unimaginable.
My divorce will be final in 3 weeks. This morning I stood next to him in the church we got married in and it felt like it was any other day and he was a stranger. I've waited for 4 years for MY Husband to come back to me. I guess my heart has no hope left.
Despite all this, I do not regret that day 6 years ago. I am not even close to the same woman. Through him, I learned to love again. Through his love, I learned just how powerful love can be. Through his betrayal I learned how strong I am. Through his betrayal I learned just how many of my own demons needed to be put into submission. My heart is forever changed because of this day, 6 years ago. A new woman was born that day. She has had a lot of growing pains and has many more to go in her future but she was re-born.
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an