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Newest Member: betrayedinil (61145)

User Topic: New feelings: Embarrassment/Pathetic-ness
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Happy  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So R has been going okay. He has taken point on R and has done a fantastic job, but I notice I am not as gung-ho this week.

One feeling that I have been struggling with this week is embarrassment in two different ways:

1) So I'm hanging around with this guy, who is 40. This guy thought a 23 year-old was the solution to his problems. When I hear his story, he sounds kind of pathetic. I am embarrassed for him. Embarrassed that this guy thought this was a solution, embarrassed that this guy was completely unprofessional and abused his role as a mentor, and embarrassed that he became "that guy" who has a midlife crisis and goes after someone out of college.

2) Wait a second. Holy crap, I am married to "that guy"!?! Now I am embarrassed for me. Not only is he "that guy", I am "that woman". Even when we are out and don't know anybody, my inner voice will start talking and say, "Yes, everyone he had an affair with a 23 year old. Yep, he had a text book affair, pretty sad, eh? Yep, I am doing to be the good wife and give him a second chance. Yep, I am just THAT awesome."

I am hoping this is a phase and it will evolve into a new feeling, but I am worried that I will always feel a bit embarrassed for the pathetic-ness of his choices and that I am pathetic for letting him walk over me and then taking him back.

Did other's experience this? Did it last? Advice?

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Standing right beside you feeling exactly that. Plus anger and bitterness. Man oh man, I do not want to feel like this.
Will this be something we will get over? Hopefully someone will come along shortly and help us both.
((((Hugs to you))))

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart says, I'm in the same place and it hurts.

My head says, your WH acted like a jerk out of a desire to sleep with a much-younger woman.

Having your WH act like a jerk doesn't mean he IS a jerk. If he was a jerk you wouldn't be giving him another chance. He made a selfish choice, that's all. Nothing to be embarrassed about, lots of pain to get through, though.

I have been feeling less and less shame as time goes on, and working on seeing my WW as someone who made an ugly, selfish choice that maybe I can live with, maybe not.

Stay strong and work on feeling pain without shame. It is possible and much more appropriate you've been hurt (therefore the pain) and you have not done anything to feel embarrassed about (don't own his shame).

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 40915
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so crazy and completely unfair that we BS's feel this way at all.
Did we get a say in WS's choices? NO!

We just get to deal with the fallout.

Just last week he gets invited to a reunion. A workplace reunion (somewhere he worked when we first started dating 30 years ago.)
I tell him I think he should go alone. I don't know anyone that will be there and he can visit without me. He insists I go with him, He want's "me there with him."
I have lost count of the number of times in the past that I have been with him in this type of situation. In the past (prior to D'Day) I always went with him to please him, to keep him happy. Old habits die hard. There we are at the reunion, and after that first hour he leaves me sitting there on my own while he wanders off to visit, he does this after he promised me that he would not leave me just sitting there. I had explained to him that socializing feels stressful for me now because of the feelings of shame and embarrassment I feel over his betrayal. So there I am again... I'm feeling like freaken Charlie
Brown running for the football. After 90 minutes he comes back. WE LEAVE! The ride home is a nightmare. I let him have it with both barrels.
Long story short, I think I might be getting pissed about things I should have been pissed about all along instead of being such a good sport ( you're such a knucklehead Charlie Brown).
Gift to me. I don't have to put myself in uncomfortable situations for him anymore.
That felt good!

[This message edited by toughernow at 3:05 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years

DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 40915
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I got so deep into my own rant there that I completely forgot to address the request for advice.


I try to "self-talk" my way out of those low feelings. I remind myself that I have lived my life with honesty and integrity, and at the end of the day I am responsible for my choices and actions , not his.
And I make myself a sandwich!

BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years

DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers

Posts: 103 | Registered: Oct 2013
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devastated30 - Thanks you for your support. Glad to know there are others feeling the same!

FeelingSoMuch - After I read your post, I think I am getting it, but just have to figure out how to accept it. Like you, I have to get the gut, heart, and head on the same page. He is the one that has to own it, not me. His choices were really pathetic, but I wasn't part of that. What makes it hard is that I do obsess over it and I think he would be perfectly happy if it was never mentioned it again. I hate how easily he can move on...

toughernow - That would suck! It is hard enough to be standing next to him, but if he would leave me alone, I would go crazy! Maybe you can have a code word like "Charlie Brown" for when he starts to head off and it will help him remember he needs to stick around. Otherwise the only time he can leave you along is he is 1) in the bathroom or 2) getting you a drink. :-)

[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:50 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38020
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through a period where I felt embarrassed about what he did. I was very secretive about it and got super angry when he said anything to anyone (he is not the best at keeping secrets) because I was afraid that people would judge me about his stupid decisions. Like people would think, "Internet cyber boobs are better than her." Sometimes I still feel that way, even though I know it is ridiculous.

There are definitely some silly and irrational fears that we have after affairs that nobody would understand just how reasonable unless they are going through the same thing.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."

Posts: 879 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ 40460
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally feel that way. I feel like a fool for sticking it out so long. I'm even ashamed of how long ago my DDs were and I'm still on these boards, not just to give help, but still to need it.

Also, my husband had his 2nd affair with his student, in the department where I also trained. And everyone knew us both - as a couple. I've always wondered who picked up on it. She wasn't a young student (2nd career) and is very pretty and he admits that they spent time getting tea in the cafeteria and that he was so excited to see her for rounds.

I'm just so embarrassed. I can't help but think that at least one or two people realized it. And may have thought "poor IDeserveMore"

Me 48, WH 51, 18yo DD, 16yo DS
DD#1 1998 followed by 1 year of blatant denial
DD#2 2004 followed by 6 YEARS OF TT. Do I win for the longest TT on this site?
Divorced and so very happy!

Posts: 329 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Pacific Northwest
♀ 35803
Member # 35803
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 27th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you just hit the nail on the head for me. For the past couple of weeks I have been feeling in a bit of a funk and this may be it. I spoke in confidence with someone at work and ended up being judged for my choice to stick it out. I wonder some times if the reason that I have wanted R is because I do not feel that this is all I am good for.
I used to feel pride for being with him and that I am his wife. I really miss this feeling. I am not proud any longer. I am embarrassed that he has turned in to "that man" and I am "that wife."
This does not make me feel good. UUGGHHHH!
Sending you hugs

BS- 37
married 13 years together 19
DD- 5/27/12
He walked out on me and the girls 5/26/12
Recovery started 9/15/12

Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 9

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